Danger!...

Danger! You are now entering the friend-zone!

I admit, I think I have a problem with being friend-zoned. Going back to the comic yet again... there are lot of things I do like that stick figure guy. I am scared of rejection, I thought relationships grow smoothly out of friendships, I'll be there for someone night after night, I'll make you realize how good I am for you, I value our friendship, and. yada yada ya read the comic. Anyway the comic sadly ends with, I'll date this jerk, sorry. This post isn't really about jerks this time, it's about the method.

As I said before, this method doesn't work because it gets you friend-zoned. I describe that as in my case a girl who decides you are a friend, and will not see you as a potential boyfriend. How does this happen? Surely there must be a way to avoid that.

Sadly I think I am cursed to be in the friend-zone. It's the way I treat people, girls. I be nice to them cause I'm a nice guy. Have you seen the WongFu video of "nice guy?" It's quite the story of my life, except I don't get the girl haha, but that wasn't the point. It's that I'm nice, and I don't know if I treat girls that I like differently than my friends who are girls.

Do I have to be a jerk?

You're a Jerk Part 2

There was also another thing to consider. If it's not the girl that decides if she likes you, maybe it's you, the guy who also plays a role. After all not everybody in the world who is a guy looks super handsome and hot. How do they get the girl? Answer here is also somewhat simple, but the rabbit hole runs deep if you know what I mean.

The answer is,

Confidence.

Now of course, I have a big problem with confidence and talking to girls in general. I used to be even worse, oh man one time my heart was beating sooo fast when I this girl wanted some of my sheet music for a song and she was like sure! I didn't exactly like her but I was soo nervous. Mind you, this was in the 7th grade grade. Even so onto 9th grade and 10th grade. Oh man 10th grade homecoming was a time when I asked a girl out to a dance as friends. But that was a very very stressful day for me. I didn't even ask in a cute way, I just simply asked if you wanted to go with me. She said yes.

Fast forward to now, I still have a confidence problem, not being around girls anymore, but showing a distinct flair that is unique to me that would set apart myself from the rest of any guy she has met. That is literally the task I am trying to do right now, really hard, but I know the secret to it as well. It's be myself. But it's so much harder than that. Confidence is the huge factor into showing that flair, something that I don't exactly have. I'm fine around girls; I don't get too nervous, but I am shy. I won't go up to any girl I just met and engage in a conversation unless we're right next to each other, and it's super awkward quiet then I'll say something cause it's so torturous. And to me, sometimes it is silly because after all you're just making conversation with a person, but it is intimidating. It's most likely because I have an image of myself, If I somehow come off as something I'm not, maybe then I won't show the exact same image of myself to others. In plain english, It's fear. Fear that somehow they won't get me, which is why I have a lot of trouble making good first impressions on girls because I am the quiet shy one. But once you get to know me, everything shows, perhaps not the confidence girls seek, but more of myself, and my personality.

More on "confidence girls seek". I believe that in general terms, very very general terms, that girl seek a confidence that isn't just someone like me. An attractive confidence is someone who doesn't fear or fear less than I do. And thus spawning from that, comes to be an adventurous, charming, wicked (both good and bad), perhaps abusive, loving, caring ... jerk. After all, first impressions are pretty key here. Not all girls are attracted though; some may but in general terms and taking into account of the comic, it is there. Lots of girls ask, why can't I leave him? My answer, I don't know, why did you like him in the first place? Yes I think it's the initial attraction to those jerks, because they're more dangerous, and willing to take risks, but bear in mind no risk comes without consequences. In essence that is what sets them apart from every "nice guy" a girl has known. Again, this jerk, has less of a fear than I do. That may be why he goes off and does crazy stuff because it's "interesting"

See I don't have that kind of confidence. I have that fear. I am pretty much driven by my fear of what she'll think of me. I don't want to be a bad boyfriend. Risks have consequences. A greater confidence has its risks, but has excitement. I don't want to take those risks because I don't want to be a bad boyfriend. And at this point in my life, I can say that people don't typically change too much and so if they're confident and risk takers, it's not only a few things they do it all the time in their lives. Is that what leads to bad boyfriends? Why can't I leave him? He has made so many mistakes, he has cheated on me, he has lied to me, maybe he beat me, but he's my everything. Is that true? Can't a nice guy be your everything, but not lie to you, not cheat to you, not beat you. I just don't get it sometimes. I guess that was addressing only a specific portion of the women out there. In a more general sense, why did he lie to me. That's something everybody has to deal with for guys who are jerks. They are jerks. OH yes, there is another thing about jerks. They don't fear rejection, or most of them don't. I do. I don't like being rejected, it makes me feel like crap because I wasn't good enough. Of course everybody has to deal with this, but nooo not the jerks. They may think they're just high and mighty, and that it's not they who are not good enough, but the girl was not good enough for him. So they keep going, they stay strong they stay confident. Next girl!

There's gotta be another way that I can be set apart from the others, and not be a jerk and yet show my flair. Be myself... be myself. As true as this may be, I may never even reach that point in confidence because I fear... a lot of things. The only thing I can do, is pretty much be confident and take risks and be rejected. And then maybe one day, I'll be confident charming and be the ideal boyfriend.

You're A Jerk

For quite some time, ever since I was young, young being what 6-7-8 years old, I've been brainwashed into thinking that personality is a greater factor than looks and you don't judge a book by its cover. I've come to hard code that into my brain and for the most part, it is still hard coded into my brains. Since then, all throughout middle school and perhaps a bit through high school, I never really cared about how I looked. I had acne, not too terrible and I've always had medication to stop it and prevent it. But I never really stuck to it and I applied it only perhaps once a week, every other day. And so I remember one time in the 9th grade, I was asked a question How many times do you take a shower? And I responded, oh maybe once every 3-5 days. Disgusting, isn't it? Well back then my hair didn't make a lot of oils yet, so it wasn't as disgusting as you think. Now I do and it's like I have to take a shower every other day, or everyday. Anyway I never really cared too much about how I looked until I started dating Tina and taking it more and more serious. Around the end of sophomore year, I decided to try and look better you know I don't want to look like crap when she sees me. I wanted to be more of an ideal boyfriend where she can be like this is my boyfriend! Except I knew I wasn't a good-looker and I didn't really try too hard. Still at that point in my life, I thought well my personality waaay overweighs my looks. I mean I think I'm a pretty good boyfriend, I will always be there for her and everything! And I was, I think. Think of me what you will but I thought I was a fairly decent boyfriend.

Actually as I went onto junior year I had a different hairstyle, I remember as a freshman or sophomore I would have this ridiculous hair style, the mushroom cut/bowl cut. And I would never like to get my hair cut cause I thought it was a waste of time and annoying. Not anymore. As Senior year came I would cut my hair in a month's time. Usually keeping it short cause I thought it looked better. Plus I had gel, and I experienced with that a bit to get a better look, but never really bothered to apply that during school days, only on formal occasions. So eventually we broke up and its summer going onto college. I still kinda have the same viewpoint that personality dominates over looks, but it changed a bit. I thought well even though that is true, you can't look like crap in front of your girlfriend/boyfriend right? Looks matter to some degree when you're dating...

I remember this one conversation I had with a friend. I thought pretty highly of myself because I knew I treated Tina well and I thought wait what if there are going to be lots of girls that like me. What am I going to do? Aha, but first there has to be girls liking me. As I entered college, that was quite hard to do, obviously, stupid me. But not like I wanted a girlfriend at the moment, I was just simply afraid that a girl may have liked me during this time when I had broken up with Tina. Fortunately no girl liked me, at least to my knowledge. But in some way, I was disappointed as I thought hm, perhaps I wasn't nice enough or maybe just didn't talk to her enough to show her that I'm nice since obviously, if you can't talk to her, then she won't know how nice you are! So I try and be a little more confident, and talk to girls and say hi and ask how was their day and just simple simple stuff that doesn't even hint that I like them. After all, I say that to my friends who I don't like either.

I remembered I liked this one girl and we did talk for a bit when we saw each other, like office hours or the same class. And then we didn't see each other again. Way different from high school. Oh yes, just because we had one class doesn't mean we have the same class again. Thinking about it, I have 10 weeks to make an impression on her. Didn't happen.

There was another girl that I liked, and she was reallly prettty. And I did talk to her, and well conversations didn't last very long with her, only because she was busy. Busy... to avoid me? I'm not sure. Later my suitemate and I would be walking on the way to go back to my hall and we pass by her. She says hi to my suitemate, cause we were in the same class, but not to me. This happened a few times actually. Either she'll say hi to him and not to me, or she'll just wave hi at both of us. Hm. I suppose she doesn't like me. Oh I guess it's because... the way I look maybe? Wow, shallow girl? I suppose I would have to experience them sooner or later. And I think, wait was she really shallow? I guess I'll never know.

So I stick to my philosophy of personality. Hm all I needed was to talk to a girl long enough to show her that I care. And so I did, and I tried with her. Somehow I thought maybe if I act a boyfriend at times, maybe I'll be a boyfriend.. eventually. I know now that approach quite doesn't work, in fact it just gets you into a worse position than ever. You like her, but she doesn't like you back. See this comic.

http://xkcd.com/513/

Hm that was a headache, although actually it was my fault cause it wouldn't have worked out and I knew that myself. But by the time I tried it, I knew this approach is not good at all. It's dumb. It just gets me friend-zoned.

You know there is another thing as well. There are a TON of pretty girls at UCSD, some of which are extremely beautiful, some who are average looking and a handful who don't care how they look. Anyway, I see many of them, pass by many of them, talk to a few of them. And I thought why not me? And well that's a very simple answer. It's based on how I look. Oh nooo that can't possibly be it, personality is greater than looks.... in the long run.

Thinking from a girls' perspective, there are TONS of cute guys at UCSD, some of which are extremely hot, some who are average, and some who look like he just rolled out of bed. My point is, there are lots of guys at UCSD, theres gotta be some way to pick people out. Thinking about this aggregatively, and also through sexual selection, you choose the mate that appeals to you the most. After all, there are SO many guys on campus, why settle for the not so hot looking one with a good personality, but find a guy who is SUPER HOT and has a REALLY great personality? There are definitely enough guys who actually may fit the bill. Whereas in high school, sure there may be a lot of guys, but hey girls don't generally date down, so they date up or someone in their grade. My class had 420 people about. If half of the are girls, then that's 210 guys. Now there are instantly some guys who you won't date, based on their personality, or clique or... whatever. Now at UCSD there are about what 24,000 people who go here? Lets just take account of the people on campus. First and Second years. These are very very rough estimates but that would be about 12,000 people. Assuming you're a First year girl, you'd date either in your grade or above, so that'd leave you with 6,000 guys, approximately, all over campus. Obviously there are other factors, such as being in the right time in the right area as there are 6 colleges. But damn even if it was 3000 guys that's way more than 210. In fact, about 10 times as much. Seriously, why settle for the guy with acne next to you when you have this hot guy sitting next to you on your left?

Back to my point, that's the system. Sorry man, you don't attract me physically, there are other UCSD guys out there. So guess what, I've been trying to do is make myself look better. Not to an extreme point, but hey trying to look better is better than just going whatever. So I've been starting with the facial features.

Hmm acne =_= I know I don't have terrible acne, but applying it everyday is a good start.

Teeth. Did you know I like barely rarely every brushed. Disgusting I know, but when I was young I was pretty stupid. I only started brushing like regularly around senior year when I got my electric toothbrush!! I love it haha. Anyway just this year I started to regularly floss and rinse with listerine. God, my gums were bleeding like none other, but they don't bleed asss much now and they aren't swollen as much after listerine. And I think they're getting whiter. Which is a good improvement on myself. I'm proud.

Hair. I always have this really really awful cowlick on the back of my head. I don't really know how to get rid of it, other than go cut my hair which would be extremely annoying cause that would have to be every 2 weeks. But I found out that I can use either gel, or take a shower, whatever works.

Glasses. I've been meaning to get rid of my glasses cause I think I look better without glasses. Except when I laugh I look SUPER asian cause my eyes disappear. But maybe they won't as much with contacts just cause I need to like literally pry open my eyelids to get them in. Maybe consistently doing that will make my eyes bigger. Of course I only wear contacts to more social events and also to formal stuff. I haven't been doing that even. Maybe i'll try to wear them more regularly this quarter.

Skin. I have the most dry skin ever. It is extremely scary to catch me on a day where I haven't put on lotion for like 2 days. I've been trying to put on lotion and this has definitely been a life recurring problem, but actually my skin has gotten better over the years. Just gotta keep applying it after I take a shower and when it gets dry the next day.

Clothes. Starting last year during winter break, I went to the mall like a legit mall like JCPenny and Macy's and American Eagle to go get nicer prep clothing. Although I don't look like a prep and I can't pull of a prep look, I like the shirts as they make me look more "fresh". Actually I do ruin teh prep look because I wear XXL American Eagle shirts... apparently a prep look is to have tight tees that cut off at the waist line, but I like it going on a bit further cause I don't want people seeing my boxers when I reach down to grab something!

Weight. You know ever since I was in high school, I noticed a very peculiar thing. It's very hard for me to gain weight and that I am SUPER friggin skinny. So skinny in fact that when I weighed myself recently I was 136.8 pounds without any clothes on with the exception of my boxers and a shirt that I sleep in. Anyway I've been trying to remedy this by going to the gym more and getting more muscle. You know I wasss 145 when I came to UCSD still extremely skinny but gotta start somewhere. Hopefully i'll be able to hit the gym more.

Stay tuned for part 2!

Bumper stickers

So I was looking around on facebook for bumper stickers since this is like the 10th time I got requested and I've been ignoring like most of them, but finally I accepted it because i was like whatever. And I'm glad I did because I found this awesome quote that i'd like to share.

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

-Dr. Seuss

Save us

Best Cartel Fan video ever...

This is a bleeding heart and an exhausted tongue laying it out there...
Dripping with brutal truth and honesty...
Sometimes the people you hold so dearly in your life are the ones that you hurt the most...
Life is too short to keep loved ones away
too hold grudges
too judge someone by their looks, or age
as humans we are interesting creatures,
we are the only ones with the capacity to love someone genuinely
the willingness to put someone else before ourselves
and the commitment it takes to truly be with someone
but sadly we also possess an innate propensity to betray and hurt the people most important to us.
we turn our backs on our friends
sometimes our own family
even our lovers
we say things we don't mean
and we do things we don't mean to do
with so much going on at times
its' often hard to find the right way, the right things to say, the right way of doing things
but the only thing we can do to get by is seize each and every day
we can't keep turning our backs on what we should truly cherish in this life
because there truly is absolutely nothing worth regretting
and certainly nothing worth going over the deep end for (suicide)
even when we find ourselves in hell
we must breathe.
we must take the time to let the dust settle,
and we must accept the events that transpire
no matter how bad the sting,
how hard the fall,
or how severe the pain
there's always a way and reason to carry on
in a harsh world like today
friends and family are all you have
they are all you can count on
cherish them.

I've lost it

I've just been so critical, that I don't know how to genuinely help someone anymore without putting them down. What is wrong with me? Have I really been this way this whole time?

Benches

Sunsets and benches.

Flimsy

Apparently I'm not supportive. I'm too harsh and too realistic, but I have my reasons for doing so. I apologized, but I don't regret it. I guess that makes me a bad person. Low blow for a low blow I guess or an eye for an eye. But i'm not going to argue. I wonder what I should do now? I owe it to him to whip him into shape, but my way just isn't a good way to him. Instead it just makes him feel worse. I feel like I had this argument with my mom before, I wondered how she handled it. What I have to question is, how can i push someone if they're not pushing hard enough themselves? When they're not being smart about it? Maybe i'll just stop. Yeah, probably two to three weeks.

Powerless and Lost

At least I haven't had a dream about her since my last post. I guess that's good.

You know I've been wondering a question to myself. Am I happy and am I a good person. It goes a bit of both ways for me at this moment. I guess I'm happy cause I have a good life and such, compared to those who are waay less fortunate. Even compared to those who are really fortunate, well my life is pretty good in that perspective too. It may not be the greatest but most of it just seems materialistic anyway.

Okay to be continued... Got a favor to do tomorrow.

*at the orthodontist*
Am I happy? Am I a good friend that positively influences them? Sometimes I wonder if I am a good friend these days. Sometimes I feel a bit powerless to help friends. And I feel like a bunch of things are going on right now and sometimes it overwhelms me. I feel like a few things happened that just kind of shakes me, but I think it's the mix of emotions everywhere that gets me. It's like a mixture of sadness, lonesome, and then combating it with the feeling that you're too busy to worry about these things. But it's still there, that's the thing. And sometimes that overwhelms me and I don't really know what to do. It's kind of weird.

As for the lonely part, maybe it's just that I miss talking to someone, but I think it's hard since if I talk to a girl I don't want to get too close, and if it's a guy, usually they're kinda not online to talk. And it's not exactly that I miss you, it's just a person to talk sometimes with.

Dream curse

...Fucking A.

This is has got to be the most dreams I've ever had about one person, and I already don't like her and I think got over her. I don't know what to do anymore, and I am utterly confused. If I didn't have these damn dreams about her, I'd be damn sure that I didn't like her, but because I have dreams about her, I can never say that I'm fully over her or I fully don't like her.

Damn it all. Stop haunting me in my dreams D:

Now, again I'm contemplating if I should ask her about everything. And maybe in a few days worth of time it will pass. i swear if I get another dream again about her, I will talk to her about it.

The Pinnacle of Relationship Comfort

May 4, 2009

1:52:33 AM Steven Fong: and how i don't hav esomeone anymore
1:52:49 AM Steven Fong: just makes me realize that to the girl that i really do like
1:52:52 AM Steven Fong: and i know she likes me back
1:53:09 AM Steven Fong: i know that someday sometime i just want to pour all my love for her and just show her that i care :D
1:53:30 AM Steven Fong: because that's just really kind of like sacred feeling that only you can have with someone else
1:53:42 AM Steven Fong: and some people are like aww i want to love someone.
1:53:48 AM Steven Fong: even if they found a person tomorrow
1:53:54 AM Steven Fong: it just won't be as special
1:54:06 AM Steven Fong: and i'd rather just wait and just possibly land on the love of my life someday
1:54:20 AM Steven Fong: and just love her with all my heart
1:54:32 AM Steven Fong: okay after i know she's right for me.
1:55:05 AM Steven Fong: but i guess if you think about it in the long term


1:55:39 AM Steven Fong: your pains and heartaches are just temporary to make up for all the great things that you'll experience with someone that you will truly love and he will truly love you back

Booyah, Bold and italics to make it more epic than it really is.

Mmmm that was a great night. And you're right one day I probably will make someone really happy and that's she's lucky to have me.

You're not perfect

I'm sorry.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. I don't know what got me thinking about this, but it never really occurred to me how much it would hurt to have you so busy. And I'm not talking about me being hurt, i'm talking about you being hurt. I just thought about the nostalgia post I made and how I wrote that I didn't like to think that you busy, but I guess out of selfishness I didn't think about how you would feel or respond or react to that. I'm sorry about that. I guess today I thought it must be such a horrible feeling to find out that you can't be there for me sometimes. You're just going to be busy and busy and just make total sacrifices for your future right now by working hard and getting the best grades. I'm sure you know what you're giving up, and although I think you hate to admit it, you know you're giving up a lot of things right now and I'm pretty sure it hurts so much to think about it sometimes. You can't be perfect and you can't make everybody happy. I think that at some point, you thought that you could just somehow make everybody happy and I think that you really can't. I can always try, of course, but I can only imagine the pain and hurt you must feel when you find out what either me or someone else is going to be unhappy even though you're trying so so SO hard. And for that I'm sorry I expected that from you. It didn't occur to me how painful you might feel.

You know I think there is one thing that may have gotten me to think about this. Two days ago I read a xanga entry on a girl who had trouble with a guy. At first they were wonderful and dating but after one month that guy started to say to the girl that she needed to be skinnier and dress nicely and such. The girl complied and did so, but she never really meet up to his standards. Sadness and despair took over the girl and eventually her self-image of herself shattered into tiny pieces. Thank Goodness that she's not dating that guy anymore but it definitely got me thinking Have I ever done that? It was basically an expectation issue from the guy... yes I've had that before and it always related to you. And then I got to thinking did I expect things from you such that if you couldn't fulfill it, would it in turn hurt you so much as this girl in the story? Maybe...

At least, that's how I subconsciously got myself to this post..

Nostalgia

So much has changed this year a few good things but a few bad things too. I would like to say that there are always a few memories that should be left untouched and unchanged, yet I should never think about those memories because they are so.. painful. But there are a few nostalgic moments thankfully in the recent years that can be reflected upon, but felt only with melancholy in return.

Trying to start from chronological order of last summer,

Dad, I miss the way that we got along so well as a family. I miss the weekly poker nights. I miss the monopoly sessions that lasted over 2 hours only to have all hotels at the end of the game before going completely bankrupt. But I hated how you used to argue with mom so much.

Tina, I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. And most of all, I miss your presence when I'm with you. I definitely miss your warmth since when I held you, I felt that I was safe and whole complete and I felt loved. The thing I miss the most? Your quirkiness and our cute talks together as a couple, our name calling even though we still do that to some extent. And I've always missed how I was able to make you laugh. But I hated how it had to end up like this, I hated how I had to find an inconvenient truth through my blind eyes.

Jennifer, I miss your innocent nature. I never thought that you would be the one to drink or try drugs, or put your body through harm like that for a little experience, for a little fun. I remember we used to be pretty good friends, at some point I think I even had a crush on you, a small one but you became significant to me. You helped me through my depression. The thing I miss the most? I miss the old you. Although you can still be described as the cute, funny, smart, pretty girl, I can never see you as the innocent one anymore. We all grow up, but I thought you grew up too fast. I hated how we just slowly started to drift away. You liked these things and I didn't. I tried to be a good friend, maybe I am, but for all I know, I lost you somehow someway and I know i'll never find the same girl again.

Felix, I miss your coolness. You were always a cool, straightforward, down to earth, one of the most chill person ever. And things changed and we started going down our own separate paths, right before my eyes and I couldn't do anything. We used to be so close, always hanging out and getting lunch. I miss that. I miss the fact that you'd just hit me up and we'd go bowling. I miss that you even talk to me sometimes. I miss that we used to goof around and what I miss the most? Somehow we just connected on a level where we didn't have to speak, but I hated how our friendship was so strong and yet you let something get in the way of things when I know you could have done something to preserve our friendship. I felt like you didn't make the right choice and now you're too far down along that road and now I can't even see that road anymore.

Diana, I miss how close we were. By far you are the closest friend that I had ever had. You were the only one who made the effort to talk to me every. single. day. I loved it to b honest. Although I knew the painful truth that it would never last forever, I wondered to see how far you could keep up. You make me proud to have you be my best friend; it's great. I miss how we never had an awkward silence and today it amazes me to think how did I/we do that. Maybe I always had something to say, or maybe you always had something to say or to ask and we got so close. I miss skipping things or cutting things early to have to tend to your assistance. I genuinely felt important, I felt loved. The thing I miss the most? The free time that you once had so that we could honestly talk about anything however long it may take. Even if we never finished we could always do it the next day. Now it seems such a rare occurrence. But I hate how I always have to tell myself it's cause she has homework, she doesn't have time for me sometimes. Although you said sometimes I can say "Can we talk for a bit?" I know somehow that'll never really happen. We'll never have all the time in the world to talk about things.

Lester, I also miss how close we were. I cannot believe that you went to another school just because you didn't pass chem ap. We could've been at the same school, doing the same things, we could've been roomies. You could have taught me guitar. We could have gone to badminton together have thursday office nights together at the girl's suite. I miss how we used to hang out a lot, but now it seems you're too preoccupied with your girlfriend and church. I understand that you're busy, but I only saw you once this summer just ONCE. The thing I miss the most? When we would be jamming together at your house without thinking that we sucked when I really did suck, but I hate how as I said, that we don't hang out enough and you don't exactly call me up to hang out nor do you go online on aim anymore What's up with that?

I felt like I lost a whole bunch more than these stories here. But here a picture is worth a thousand words and more than enough to tell you how I feel especially tonight.



The artist comment was "Why do people people sit on benches and watch everyone else go by. it's because there are sad and reflecting on life."

Remember

1 year 1 month.


"Tina, I have to be honest with you. Over the past 2 and half years, it's been such a fun time being with you, but recently, remember when we had that talk about our relationship when you were in China? That really hit me, the fact that you didn't want a serious relationship, and it made me depressed, not majorly depressed, but mildly depressed to the point where I seriously started thinking where this was leading and how it personally affected me and you. It didn't exactly sound like... you were really hurt or.. even worried that we weren't in a serious relationship, but you have no idea how much it impacted me, and at this moment I do wish that you had told me sooner. You see, I've been waiting for you (creepy music) No not stalking, but from the beginning you first poked me, liked me, even when I first danced with you during sophomore Homecoming. I was really shy then, and asking you to dance.. I didn't mean your back to my front, I meant just holding hands but I was very surprised, but I had enjoyed you being so close to me dancing at that time. And your hair was in the way lol, but I didn't care. Little digression, but from those first moments that we were together, I KNEW you weren't ready. Hugging squashing... those were okay, it took a while to do that too. And we didn't really do it until the end of sophomore year and beginning of Junior year. And I knew you weren't ready still.. There were so many times when I thought about kissing you, not because of other people were doing it. I am not the person who wanted to push you or force you to be ready. And I waited and I waited for you to be ready.

We never really had many talks about our relationship because... we never really had any arguments, and when we did it was over.. debating abortion, something you are truly passionate about. Just like me and my macs and how you think windows is cool. But I really wish we could talk more about it, but I remember you said you didn't like talks that much, but wasn't that the downfall of our relationship right there? No communication. And I don't know if you remember this but... the first time when I asked you about our relationship was a long time ago back when your aim font was green with black background text. And.. I asked you "What if i said I loved you" and you said "O____O" ">> <<" And I knew you weren't ready. I was too young to understand love and I wasn't in love with you, YET. But how can I love you if I can rarely enter your heart? How can I love you if you never let me in? How can I if you never wanted it in the first place? And lastly, how can I love you if I wait for you or if you're never ready? But regardless of your response at that time *sophomore year* I had my hopes. Very high hopes, and I hoped one day, you'd be ready for me so I could take it to another step. Like Kiss. OBVIOUSLY NOT SEX. I never aimed that high. And if you wanted sex, I would've refused but I knew you would never wanted sex. My hopes started really dwindling around the middle of senior year. Yeah. I waited for you that long. Basically two years. I really really wanted to make an impression on you or at least make a move because it's our last year together. Why did you think I kissed you on the cheek? And it wasn't that serious but you weren't comfortable, and I knew it wasn't something you could get used to. If you didn't feel comfortable with a kiss on the cheek you wouldn't like a kiss on the lips and it wouldn't really be something you'd get used to either. Though how I waited for you so long still amazes me to this day. You see if you were ready, I could show more affection. I tried to show you that I was ready. I'm sure you remember how I touched you. And you said that I was a "molesting llama". Obviously that negative word wasn't what I was aiming for, but I wanted to show you that I was ready, that I was ready to love you, but unfortunately you never replied back with the same kind of response. And I tried my very best to say "soon.. soon", but I guess it never came and it never will.

And then we had our talk, and probably one of our last relationship talks and right then it feels as if my whole world has changed. When you told me you weren't ready for a serious relationship, a few days later, I don't know, but I just stopped liking you. I couldn't bring myself to understand why or how so suddenly. My naivete kicked in and I thought maybe it's not seeing you for so long. But now I realize it's because my mind, my heart just stopped waiting for you and I knew I needed to move on.

Tina, I can't wait for you anymore. I hope you can realize that. And somehow just staying with you or just sometimes thinking about you hurts now. Why? Because I feel as if somehow I was played as a loser, that you really had no intention of having a relationship with me from the beginning, and possibly at the most friend with benefits. I think it just all started when everybody thought we were together and dating. And we just went along with that. I feel as if all that waiting and showing affection for you was for nothing. My love for you was for nothing. At least, it wasn't what I wanted, anyway. Okay in reality it really wasn't all for nothing, but our relationship is ending and it feels like everything i've done was for nothing if I'm ending it. I hope you can understand that. My only regret was that I wished you told me earlier what you really wanted out of the relationship. I won't lie to you. You hurt me pretty badly.

We definitely had our highs and lows when we were together. I'm still sorry that I was a slave driving bitch to you during badminton. I wanted to be mvp, and I wanted to be the best, but it wasn't worth the arguments between us. As I close this painful letter, I want you to know that I still want to be your friend. I don't know if you'll be hurt and I really don't want you to be because the way I see it, it's still my fault for never asking you about what do you think about our relationship and what do you want from it. I just assumed you wanted some time because you weren't ready. If it makes you feel any better, you didn't screw up my life because I couldn't love you. I couldn't dedicate much of my life to you. You just gave me an important lesson about communication. But yes, I want you to be my friend. Whenever you want me to do some computer stuff, call me up or send me an e-mail or im, that is if you even want to be my friend. I hope you don't end up as a cat lady because letting someone into your life will be amazing. I just wish I could have been that one person who could do that.

Lastly, I forgive you. I know it wasn't your intention to hurt me. I can't say that it wasn't your fault, and even if you are sorry, it doesn't change anything for me right now. But it was also my fault... for never telling you what was going on, with me. I really had no idea how I could tell you that I was ready other than my hints. I just assumed many things that apparently I wasn't supposed to assume. But I can say that right now, there's nothing really we can do. I've lost hope in our relationship and I guess I lost hope in you as a girlfriend as well. Even so, the time that I spent with you was indescribable. You made me happier than I ever was in high school and I thank you for that."

It's weird... *explosions in the sky*

Theres always been moments for me where especially in college where I'm sitting on my chair with the light on and only my desk light, not even my room light and I'm staring at the computer screen, reading some stories or relationship advice or just something that's useful like news. Weell first of all I do read a lot of relationship advice and opinion from lots of people, it's just interesting and it's something to do and it just turns out to be extremely helpful to either you guys or for myself. You know, it does make me a better potential boyfriend. And to top that off I used to read a lot of romantic fiction, only like fanfiction, but it's cute and it made me a real romantic buff. I still am in a way. Anyway it's just weird sometimes to sit in the dark with the light on, listening to Explosions in the Sky, wondering about relationships. Usually I would think about potential date scenarios, or potential people that I like and what I would do with them on a date, if I went on a date with them. And one reoccuring thought is going up to a hill and overlooking a city and then stargazing on a hill at night on a warm blanket. And we would hold hands and snuggle up to each other to stay warm, that sort of thing. Isn't that romantic? Of course if I was realistically doing this, I would only do it with like my girlfriend of a few months probably. You know so we get over the fact of physical touch kinda like Tina in a way. If I were to hug her from behind at the waistline she wouldn't like feel it anymore lol. But anyway being on top of a hill like that is nice because she can slowly fall asleep and I can watch her sleep and maybe we can fall asleep together.

You know, I have seen Tina sleep before. It was a very interesting sight. I have no idea why it was so interesting cause it's just Tina sleeping. Oh this was back in Relay for Life when both Tina and I went to camp overnight. THis was when I was a sophomore going onto junior year. During that time Tina and I already got used to physics contact and it felt good when she slept on me. It was incredibly hard though because I can't exactly lean on the tent otherwise it'd fall over so I was using my ab muscles to keep myself upright hardest thing to do in the world lol. So she eventually went to sleep by herself and when I came back I just kinda watched her sleep. Sure it makes it a creeper but damnit it was so interesting. I don't know if girls can ever relate to how I feel but it warmed my heart. Oh another romantic thing to do is well sleeping on the opposite side with her and facing each other. One thing I want to do is have her wake up to my smile and another is to just kiss her softly until she wakes up.

But of course, I'd probably start to do this like a few months in as well because we would have to get over the kissing part of the relationship. Since Tina and I didn't, well that's why i never really did it. Plus it's pretty PDA, to be in a tent unless it was just us two, but I didn't think that was the case. Either way I think it is extremely awkward to have pepole you know come in and see you kissing with your gf/bf. Especially when it starts to be boderline making out, that's just embarassing and to the people who walk in I bet they find it just plain disgusting, like get a room. I remember Julia said GET A ROOM YOU TWO just when we were hugging, which is some PDA, but not as bad as kissing...But after we get over the stage of kissing, well I can probably kiss her good morning. Pretty nice eh?

You know lots of people, including myself at times would think that the girl who will date me will definitely be one of the luckiest girls right? Just imagine lots of her friends go Awww you're so lucky to have him, because I want to have my girlfriend be loved a lot by me. Of course i'm going to have to watch out for being too attached to her so she doesn't suffocate, but she will definitely know that I love her and care for her a lot. My goal to be honest is well basically to make her happy and do good things for her for her well-being. But you see, this only happens after the walls break down, and after she gets to know me, but the hardest part is, tat she has to genuinely like me for who I am and that being with me, brightens her day and makes her happy. And well that is hard to find.

Doing all cute things and great things for friends who are girls are great, but that doesn't mean jack sometimes if she doesn't like you like you. Well what i mean is, I'm sure my friends who are girls are still really grateful, but she won't feel lucky to be like my girlfriend or anything, perhaps just lucky enough to be and have found a friend like me. And that's great, but I want someone who cares about me on a deeper level too.

And now we almost went in a full circle.

It's weird thinking about this because I always have a lonely feeling, I mean it makes sense because it means i'm longing for a girlfriend, which can also be a bad thing if it gets too extreme, but it's weird beacuse every time I experience this loneliness, it's like I've never felt it before and every time it's at its full potency and I always feel terrible in a way. I feel sad, lonely, a bit worthless, or less so, but you know I guess it's pretty natural to want someone to love you after all hormones you know.

Well it's a full circle because I dream and wonder about relationships, and it causes me to feel lonely. Sometimes I feel lonely and I think about this stuff and I don't feel lonely. it doesn't really matter which occurs first or which occurs last. It's all the same in the end. Sometimes I have to go through this cycle like 3 to 4 times before I can fall asleep. Damn you insomnia. But this only happens when I am seriously hooked on thinking about it, when I'm actively thinking about it. And sometimes I can't stop. Sometimes i'll stop thinking about it and it'll haunt me in my dreams. Do you know how many times I've had dreams about Tina or people who I've liked? It's pretty ridiculous cause I've lost count...

I doubt theres anything wrong with me, It's not like this happens daily It only happens every so, now and again. Few times a month. Tonight just happened to be those nights and I know why. It was because I thought about how everybody is starting school. And what happens if I started school. Well on some nights when I like awake, and lie in bed with the bed light on. I think about this, I remember how lonely I used to be in my own room. One light on, eyes half closed, Insomnia striking, and my heart sinks a bit, and then it floats back up and I'm higher than a kite only to come crashing down and sinking below the surface, and then rising... falling.... and finally I stay afloat and I can sleep peacefully, and well tomorrow's a new day, right?

Until next time.

Thanks and Thank you

Sometimes... I feel like such a hopeless romantic, a dreamer and that's it. One who wants, but cannot do.

Found another interesting entry on xanga.

The Subtle Difference Between “Thanks” and “Thank You”.
Whether you’re a man or woman, at some point you’re going to go out of your way to do something nice for someone you feel is special. It can could be a gift. Or it could simply be a little something extra that you probably wouldn’t do for just anybody. While on the surface our actions may be generous and gracious, underneath lurks a selfish motivation. We want that special person to recognize and appreciate the effort and affection behind our gracious deed. But often times as the saying goes, “No good deed goes unpunished”.

Despite your best efforts, your good deeds can go under-appreciated or worse - unwanted. Sometimes that special someone may actually like the gift, but they wish someone else was giving it to them, not you. At this point it’s probably best to scale back your efforts and refocus them on someone else who will actually appreciate them.

But it’s not always easy to tell. Most people are taught to be at least somewhat polite when someone does a nice deed for them. This politeness throws a lot of people off. Yet I’m here today to give you an easy decoder to help you determine if someone actually appreciates your good deeds and maybe has an interest in you. Read the following scenarios.

Scenario #1

Man: “I was at the music store today and I remembered you said you didn’t have Pink’s second album and that you’ve been dying to get it, so I picked it for you. Here you go.”

Woman: “Oh, thanks. You shouldn’t have.”

Scenario #2

Man: “I was at the music store today and they were giving out free CDs and I got an extra one for you. Hope you like M.C. Hammer.”

Woman: “Haha, thank you!”

In both scenarios, the guy gets points for thinking about the girl while he was at the music store, but clearly the guy in the first scenario put in more work. He remembered what she liked and actually spent his money to get it. However the girl gave a polite but unenthusiastic “Thanks”. Followed by “You shouldn’t have”, and when combined with “Thanks”, the meaning is often literal. She obviously likes the gift, but doesn’t really have any affection for the guy or worse might possibly be uncomfortable receiving gifts from him.

In scenario two, the guy basically snagged an old bargain bin CD that he doesn’t even know that she likes, yet the girl clearly has a certain level of interest him, which is indicated by her enthusiastic “Thank you!” She’s just happy that he was actually thinking of her while he was at the music store. His good deeds no matter how small will go rewarded with her.

When you say “thanks” to someone, it’s like a quick verbal pat on the back. The word itself doesn’t take much effort to say and it just rolls off your tongue. If you drop a pencil and someone picks it up for you, you’d say “thanks.” You basically would say thanks to just about anybody.

“Thank you” on the other hand is a verbal hug. It takes more effort to say and people often add some tonal emphasis on either the first or second word. Plus it’s more personal since it actually includes the word “you.” Rarely do people say “Thank you”, and not mean it. It’s often a genuine expression of appreciation and possibly affection.

Obviously body language also plays a part, but don’t underestimate the subtle clues embedded inside even in our most common everyday phrases. It might save you some heart-ache or at the very least some of your hard earned money.


And now I have to make sure I do the right one!

First Loves

Sometimes I randomly think about her because I miss her. And it always starts when I talk to her on aim because all of the things we do on aim, for the most part we still do. She's the only person who calls me llama, regularly and actually recently it's been like llamastew lol. She switches it up.

Yesterday while I was driving home, I passed by Shoreline on Central Expressway. I thought, If i ever needed to visit Tina for any reason I'd take this. Then I started to miss her. And what I concluded was that although what we had was special and we most likely we'd never have it again, it still remains special. I thought about dating another girl, like pretending if I really had another girlfriend at the moment. Hopefully i'll still be able to be good friend with Tina, but thinking about it, if i were to hug my current girlfriend and cuddle, it's just not somehow the same with Tina. Maybe just thinking about cuddling with Tina again, man, it feels like it is only a unique experience and intimacy that only we share. I could do the same with another girl, but it's just not the same, we probably would never click on the same level as her.

I'm not really sure if it has to do with First loves, or just the fact that past relationships with ones that invested in seriously, will always have a unique feel to it. No other girl that I have ever met probably can make me feel that special. I could be wrong cause I haven't dated since then, but even so, I'd still think that she'll always be special, and not known as my ex, but known as my first. Yeahh..

I guess sometimes, she's still that special.

Edit: 8/13/09

Sometimes I wonder if I should tell her about how I feel. Maybe not, but I mean ask her a few things like how much did you really care for me. Do you still think about me, or miss me? And just what if we just started dating again. I've always wondered if at any point did she really love me, did she really fall for me. Did she really feel warm, welcome, and safe in my arms. Did I do a good job as her first? Did I ever leave a lasting impression that she'll remember for years. And also, does she ever regret ever not truly falling in love with me?

My answer to the last question, No, not really. I don't really regret that I've dated her because I got experience, and the times and memories that we spent together were memorable and most definitely worth it. I still think about whether or not if I still loved her or not, and I always come to the conclusion that somehow I just didn't. Or wait, Maybe I did just for a night, or just for a few precious intimate moments together before we separated and she had to go home or something.

One thing that I'm really afraid of is well just asking her those questions. Although I would love to hear her response, maybe get some more closure, even though it was well hm, I'm not sure. But it seemed pretty final and exact, she didn't love me and she didn't plan on loving me so that was that at the time. I wonder if she ever thought about it and wondered if she ever would change her mind on that. Or during the time that she was dating me. It kinda sucks ultimately because it seems that I didn't truly make a difference in her life, just being her boyfriend. I just feel sad that she couldn't bring herself to love me and it hurts to think about it sometimes because somehow, it was me and I don't want be alone.. I felt that she made a difference in my life, but I really can't say the same to her. And I'm also afraid of asking her because of the answers I'll get. If they're bad answers, i'll just feel worse about myself. If they're good answers, that'll just be another reason to like her again.

It's not like I want to try again cause I know it won't work out. I guess it's just, I wish she had a better reason to break up with me, but at the same time I myself can't even think up a better reason.

You Can Love Anyone

So I found this xanga entry and I thought it was pretty insightful.



When I was younger, I had this (ridiculous) idea that my dream man would somehow magically appear out of thin air, parade into my life & resolve my life-long fear of being "the cat lady." I didn't really care about the details, I just had this feeling that he'd show up, one day.

Well, now I'm an older (& more realistic) person. I don't know if it's just because the reality of graduating college & having to enter "the real world" is hitting me hard or what - but it feels like a lot of the magic I used to believe - particularly when it comes to love - has well, gone out the window.

Take this, for example: I used to suffer from severe social anxiety. If I could maintain a conversation (& eye contact) with you for more than 10 minutes, you were a shoe-in. I basically thought anyone I could actually connect with - & stand - for that long was a winner - & had definite "forever after" potential.

Now, I've spent the last four years working on my anxiety - & let's just say I can pretty much carry on a conversation with anyone - from the mailman to the cashier chick at McDonald's. And I definitely DON'T consider either of those people to have "the One" written all over them.

I've slowly started to believe that love is less about finding "the One" - & more about ACCEPTING & LOVING someone so much that they just..BECOME everything you want. I now believe that you can pretty much find lots of things to connect with others about & being in a relationship with another person is simply about finding someone who you are willing to accept, love & cherish - regardless of their flaws. No one is going to come along & be perfect from the get-go. Instead, you just have to constantly remind yourself that they don't have to - & neither do you.

So basically what I'm saying is, I believe we can love anybody. I really & truly do. Maybe the love we feel for certain people will feel different - like a friendship kind of love - or maybe we'll even start to feel ourselves falling for someone we normally wouldn't (girl crush, anyone?). But either way, I think that this idea of our one-and-only-true-soulmate should be thrown out the window. Instead, I think we should just look around us for the people in our lives who make our hearts go pitter-patter & try to give them all the love we got - until one day we find someone we want to give our love to for as long as we live.

You Smell Like Christmas

So today I went to go see Paper Heart and that was I think a really good funny, yet also somewhat informative movie for me. It was good because i'm looking for an answer for What is love as well. The movie wasn't particularly useful, but it's nice to know the journey to find love. And of course there are so many different varieties of love, different definitions. And it's strange because for such a concept of love, there is no absolute definition so I wonder why we call such an intangible, indescribable feeling love when nobody really knows.

Aside from that, it helped me with my dream that I had last night. It was about Tina. It was very strange because it was about love. Heres what I remember, Tina and I were like dancing like ballroom dancing.. I've always wanted to ballroom dance with Tina and when we did it was fun. But basically in my dream we were ballroom dancing and slow dancing in a room. Then later as we were finishing up, we both looked in each other's eyes and she said it. She said I love you in the most passionate and most caring way I ever could have imagined. And right there I instantly fell in love with her all over again, butterflies in my stomach, everything. It was like pure euphoria. I still kinda can't believe it though because it never really did happen to me. I remember that Tina and I did say I love you at some point, but it was never like constant. It was more like she said it or I said it just to see what would happen, or to just get it out there. But I knew that when she said it, she didn't mean it like in my dream. I never said it and I 100% meant it in my dream. I could have, but I think it would've freaked her out too much. You know, I kinda did wish that she meant it at one point so I could mean it too. To feel that kind of happiness from another, well I guess that was love that I felt last night, at least just a taste of it.

Foggy days

Second week on the job, 7th day total. Already made 230 dollars woo! Pays for my head unit and most likely a new fuse cause I blew one out attaching the wrong wire together gr. >< Oh well, more knowledge and the fuses only cost like 10-15, nothing major in the couple hundreds.

It's been a week since you've left though andd I'll be honest I thought about you today while working, mainly because I was kinda bored. I guess thinking about you have been toning down. I don't miss you a lot. You know, at first I was going to say I'm going to miss you before you left, but then I shouldn't only because I think of "I miss you" 's as kind of a boyfriend girlfriend thing so I didn't. Not really important, just thought I'd throw that out there in case that ever crossed your mind. Which is whyy I'd very rarely first say i'll miss you if you didn't do it first. There was a time when you said you missed me and i said aw I miss you too, which was like during AP testing.

But I have been taking your advice, if i'm not spending time with you, i'm spending time with my other GREAT friends. Mostly Pedro, watching movies with him, which have been indeed, good movies and that's always fun. No idea where the heck is lester @_@ when I call him, he's busy lol. Talking to Marisa and Emily for problems that I may have. Also putting it out there. You know I told Marisa about graduation, your graduation. But before I tell you about that, I'd like to say that it's really REALLY great to have friends like Marisa who go "what the fuck? " , which I never see until someone does that because I'm severely blind by emotion. Heres what I said:

Oh man, LAHS's graduation is on the 4th. Do you think I should fly back?
What for?
Well to watch Diana's graduation.
>_>
Too extreme?
Yup.

And that was the water'd down version, but that's essentially what happened. And when you read this, it's not that I didn't want to, I really want to, but after thinking about it, it's going to be really inconvenient for me @_@ Mainly because I'd have to spend like 140 dollars to fly back, have my mom pick me up, while taking a day off. THen I'd have to drive all the way to los altos to watch you for like 2 hours, have a what I think will be an awkward confrontation with your parents and then spend time for like 30 minutes taking pictures, which I think I will only be in 1 maybe 2, and theeen you're off to grad night and I only spent like an hour with you. An important time in your life though, but man, gotta drive back, then fly back the next morning. Theeen study for finals.

Opportunity cost? (The thing I could have been doing instead of doing all of that?) Studying for my finals so my GPA doesn't drop. Yeah... also important. So I know like I KNOW that you'd understand and saying sorry to you would be like oh nooo I understand silly :P

So as for now, my point was it's really good to have friends who kinda go dude you're being crazy again. And do that check. And also, I think I told her so I could get that response, meaning I need to talk about you, what would I do for you, only to get a no answer from somebody else so let myself know that I'm not crazy for saying no. Basically getting some support...

A Campfire

Ever since I seriously started thinking about relationships, around 8th grade to 9th grade since that's when they started to form. I had this metaphor, a campfire, which I thought represented a relationship very very nicely. And I love this metaphor to this day and fully believe in it because it is a simple, yet I think a very effective way of measuring a relationship in terms of health. Simple test though, and tests can do so much so it's not too broad or expansive. It is just a metaphor.

My campfire metaphor, well here it is. A campfire is like a relationship. Very hard to start a fire yes? Rubbing two sticks together, matches, flint stone whatever it may be. I won't go into detail on how starting fires represent. My point is that starting fires is hard, much like starting a relationship. Once this fire gets going, it needs fuel, like a relationship needs love okay maybe not love but it needs time and commitment and faith. Let's say that's firewood. Once the fire starts burning we need to feed it with firewood, time, commitment and faith.

I was thinking if I ever had a girlfriend, and we would get too close, I might have to tell her I need some space. I know I've gotten attached before, and it's honestly suffocating. It's like taking a drug you know is bad but you do it anyway. It really becomes an unhealthy addiction that sometimes I can't control anymore. Even for some simple pleasure of happiness maybe that's what drives me to be attached. Either way my point was if at some point either I or my girlfriend gets attached, then I may have to lay down this metaphor. And this is how I imagined it. Let's say her name was Madeline.

You know Madeline, we've been hanging out and talking almost every day.

Yes so? Don't you like it?

Well of course I do, you know I love being with you. But don't you think it can be unhealthy, or at least hurtful on the days we can't or don't get together?

Yes I know what you mean, but that's why I hang out with you so much. So I can cherish the moments with you together as much as I can.

But doesn't that just make it worse for ourselves when we really can't see each other?

What do you mean?

Well... *breaks down the campfire metaphor*. So every fire needs fuel right? Well let's say we hang out 7 days a week at least 1 hour every single day. It's like feeding our camp fire a TON of firewood right? And this will make our campfire huge, like a bonfire, a big bursting yellow golden fire. But there will be a time when we're going to run low on firewood, and have less time to spend with each other due to homework or just in case we're busy. We're going to have to find some firewood, find the time to spend with each other and it'll start to get increasingly hard don't you know? And on the days we can't feed our fire, we can't find the time to spend with each other. Do you know what will happen? Our fire will slowly die, it will slowly go down needing more and more firewood. Don't you see? If we feed the fire by dumping in huge amounts of firewood, then we'll have to always keep dumping in the firewood. Listen Madeline, I never want to hurt you or let you feel heartache, but by doing this to ourselves, we're hurting each other. I'm not saying that we shouldn't spend time together. Let's just keep our fire contained, well lit. Warm comforting since it offers us protection from harm. A fire's warmth is absolutely comforting and precious. Don't worry we won't let it die.

All i'm saying is if you have something to do, then go do it. If you want to go hang out with your friends, go do it. Don't let one phone call from me cancel your plans with something you wanted to do previously. I want you to live your life and be independent without me too sometimes okay? We don't have to be attached at the hip all the time. And this way, we can keep our fire small, steady, but strong. And sometimes we can splurge and make a big fire for toasting marshmallows and having a fun night together. If we do it this way, we can be happier together.

And she'll smile at me and say, Okay we'll do that. I love you.

I love you, too.

<3

The end.

I wonder how great of a boyfriend I'll be able to be. Somehow, part of me can't wait to meet someone special and just sweep her off her feet and make her think, he's the best for me.


p.s. On a more unrelated note, you're the best and I owe you.

She will be loved

Sometimes I catch myself thinking of Tina and most of the times I don't want to only because I know if I do that I'll start missing her again. 2 weeks ago on a Monday I believe, possibly Tuesday. I saw her again for the first time after school. In total I think it was the second time that I saw her after our breakup, the first was Andrea's birthday party at a nice European restaurant. It was really nice seeing her again. But sometimes it scares me when I see her because I don't know what I'm going to do anymore. I mean we've "dated" for like 3 years or something maybe 2 whatever. And during that time I've gotten extremely comfortable being around her. It was like I could hug her while she's reading and she won't even notice me anymore and frankly I was so used to that. And not doing it anymore well I guess it helped not getting used to that feeling anymore, but when I saw her on that day at the library, I was confused what I should do to greet her. Like any girl I would rather hug than a guy hand shake like Pedro and I's fist pound explosion combo. But it was strange when I saw her because I literally forgot how to hug her and I wanted to stand there because I didn't want to do the wrong thing. I ended up hugging her above her waist, well above her shoulders which felt really freaking awkward like I was going to suffocate her with my height (AHAHAH). And she was like "ahhh *wiggle wiggle* And to lessen the tension for myself I immediately said omg how are you I didn't see you all school year! And then I made fun of her hair :P and then tried petting it HAHAHA. And then I got called out. You could say in a way that I can be still very comfortable with her.

So we're at Pedro's house and I'm about to leave and I was in a hurry because my mom was outside lost and I was like oh crap I really have to go so when I tried to hug Tina, this was hella awkward because I stopped thinking on how I hugged her and what I did was hug her like waistline like I used to do. But i was like OH SHIT! and then I immeediately hugged her over the shoulders again and that like apparently hella surprised her LOL. Cause she was like what the hell @_@ I think it was just awkward for her or awkward for me if I hugged her the way I used to. Like the sexual hug >_> or maybe just even a normal hug. For a normal girl hug it's like waistline but my hands go upward and I don't like touch her with my hands, well okay I do but very very lightly. It's not one of thosee "ahh i'm melting on you" I'm sure you know xD

First I want to point out how different my situations from others. For one we had a very strange relationship together. We both didn't invest a lot of emotional feelings for each other, at least not as much as we could have. If you think we had a lot going for each other, well we might have but to be honest. Weee we like friends with benefits LOL. All we did was hug seriously. I never got to kiss her on the lips remember? It sucks to say that every time very embarrassing for me. And another thing I wanted to point out was that when we broke up, well "broke up", it wasn't as bad because we didn't invest in each other too heavily and another thing was that our breakup wasn't too much of a breakup. I'd say it was just a put on hold kind of a thing. Cause you know we parted or took a break or whatever because I found out she didn't want to be in a serious relationship. I probably felt as much pain as I did compared to that of a big argument with your significant other. I just exacerbated it by thinking we "broke up" but if I thought we were still together then it wouldn't have been so bad. Besides I was like sad about it for like a week TOPS, maybe a week and a half. Yeah I got over it hella fast, at least I think I did. Anyway my point is our break up wasn't exactly a breakup. Wait that's a bad explanation. Okay a breakup to me is when your bf/gf does something intentionally to you and you get hurt for it. Like I don't love you anymore or I cheated on you or I won't be there for you anymore. Things like that are normally self-controlled, he or she wanted to do something and the result sucked for you. In my case, I don't really consider it to be Tina's fault she never did anything.


Okay nevermind I just went to the bathroom and realized how stupid of an argument this is lol. She made the conscious decision to not be in a serious relationship with me. Okay ouch. And now I have to wonder is it because she really wans't ready or she really didn't want to be in one.

Another thing I wanted to say is that I can't really hate her, even if she made the decision to not be in a serious relationship with me. Probably because it was technically my responsibility to know, and technically I did know but I chose to believe she wasn't ready. So it was kinda my fault for not finding out for myself so can't really hate for something that was my responsibility, right?

Which becomes a problem because then I give myself a reason to like her cause I don't hate her.

Adelaide

This may come to you as a surprise, but I've always wanted a baby sister, a little sister. Maybee 2 or 3 years younger than me. That would put her at 16 years old or 15 years old. A girl in high school, who just finished sophomore year and going to junior year, or she's finishing junior year and going to senior year. And i've always wanted a baby sister, just cause I wanted to have the role of an older brother. To me there's a difference between being an older brother if you have a younger brother and being an older brother of a sister. One I think that being a brother to a younger brother would involve a lot of fighting, some competition and I would imagine a lot of ball punching in our younger years. Hm I'd say the biggest reason for wanting to have a younger sister is so that she can rely on me as an older brother. Not exactly like a boyfriend, although I can do many of the things a boyfriend can, like giving her rides or buying her food. Most of all I just want to protect my little sister from something or someone. This doesn't have to do with any of my friends or anything, I"ve always wanted a sister since I was little. I remember I used to ask my mom if she could have another baby even though I was like 6 or 7 year old. And I wanted a girl and my mom asked why and I said, because I wanted a beautiful sister who I could love and protect with all my heart. That's exactly what I said. Pretty corny huh.

Anyway, I had a dream a few months back. I don't really remember it anymore other than I was running with a girl, who was apparently my sister. Her name was Adelaide and she was a beautiful girl. Except I remember that we were poor, kinda like slumdog millionaire, but not that poor. We didn't have a home, we didn't have any money. But the area wasn't as poor as like India. There was modern civilization and everything, it's just that we were well, poor. We used public showers to get clean and as long as I can remember in my dream, I would always have to bail Adelaide out of trouble, because she was a feisty one. She would always get into trouble, and I would have to bail her out of trouble. Saying stuff like sorry it's just a girl she doesn't know any better and she wasn't brought up as well as I. And other times when she would get into trouble, I'd always have to take the hit and either run or get beat up. It would always end up with, "sorry big brother, I didn't mean for you to get hurt" and I said "that's okay, it's what i'm here for, it's what big brothers do" and I would always say that with a smile so genuine, it'd make her smile as well and she would always fully believe me. Except in my dream, I would never ask for anything in return, I'd never even asked her to stop making trouble because it'd get me in trouble. It was so strange. It was like my whole life's job and commitment was for her and to love her as my baby sister. In a sense it made me seem useful. Because we had no home, we were all we had. Each other. We didn't have anywhere to go. In fact, Adelaide would always just come up with the most random places to go and we'd always try to get there the best we can. I remember in my dream I would always get a ride, and the ending of my dream was just we were riding on a pickup truck driving away in a sunset going... well wherever she wanted to go. And frankly I never complained and I never cared where we would go. Hm Adelaide, maybe one day I"ll name my kid that, a girl :D

Recap

You know this past year has been filled with soo many memories. And I have to point out this past year of my life had SO MUCH drama in it. It's literally been crazy. To recap:

1. My dad had no where else to go and so he stayed at our place for a little while, before he got kicked out cause he couldn't find a job.
2. I broke up with TIna, enough said. That was joyous *sarcasm*
3. College Started
4. I helped you through a harsh breakup
5. I drank alcohol, and on another occasion I got caught with people who drank alcohol. That was not fun. Didn't get written up though
6. I lost a good friend of mine
7. Moved to Hayward, 25 miles away from friends.
8. Helped you through some relationships
9. GIrl problems, enough said.
10. More relationship issues.
11. More girl problems.
12. And sadly... I have to emphasize, more girl problems, except they're not all you, of course. I have yet to talk about this.

Wow I really did go through a lot of shit this past year.

I have to say, although high school was pretty good at changing my life, college takes the cake. This past year, changed my life forever and now sometimes I don't know where i'm going or where I want to go. I just feel a little lost sometimes and I don't have a goal anymore, I don't have hope for tomorrow. But at least, i'm spared the drama and the pain. I think if I don't know what lies ahead, I have no expectations, and I won't get hurt. I guess it's a step in the right direction for the next part of my life called moving on.

You're the best!

You know I was wondering what might happen after, like if we started growing a bit apart from each other. Then I thought... nah we won't do I have to ask a question like that? :D I'm really glad and lucky to have a friend like you.

You're the best!

Insomnia

Tuesday night I couldn't sleep. I only vaguely remember what I was thinking about. I just remember I was actively thinking, and I got too "caught up" that I couldn't stop thinking about it and thus I couldn't sleep. Basically I kept myself awake, a fairly effective strategy I might say. And I know I fell asleep because I remember I completely finished thinking about it, I would try to sleep half way through with half thoughts but it seemed torturous, I was only reminded of how tired I was at 5 am.

I was thinking about a very silly thing, to be honest. I was thinking what would it be like to go on a date in college. Sadly I'm not sure if I ever went on a date with Tina. Maybe I have. I recall two moments with the highlight of date in mind. One was at Chevy's with Andrea Valerie and Julia and of course Tina. Tina and I had our own table. THe only reason we went was because they had a special or something. Actually I remember it to be either we finished our food really quickly, and we got bored and thought it was weird for us to have 2 different tables so we joined them. I wouldn't say this was really a date date, maybe cause we did eat together at a table, just the two of us. Not too spectacular as you may think. Another time was when Tina and I went minigolfing. I don't remember if there were more people involved, I think there was. I think Pedro was there but I don't seem to recall 100%. I do remember that, it was also the day that I actually got a hole in 1 on the 19th hole, you know the last LAST hole where you try and hit the ball into the small tube but RARELY ever goes in. I hit mine in, no luck and Tina was like whatever you can just do it. I hit it in, siren goes off everybody stares at me haha. I would have to say that would be a really nice perfect moment for a date too. Obviously I was like SHE HIT IT IN!! It was quite cute I suppose, and she still had her golf club stick thingy. Sadly she didn't let me off the hook and I had to take credit for it and if you hit it in golfland gives you a free pass for next time. Turns out, as I was looking at my previous wallet, I still have that free pass. Too bad it expired already. That may have been a date, but it seemed like hanging out.

Isn't dating also hanging out? Maybe perhaps with more intimacy. Personally I don't thikn Tina and I are one for PDA, although there was that one time in English class that Oliver was like Can you guys stop holding hands or something. We were poking each other, it was quite cute as well. Really embarrassing now that I think about it. Imagine how awkward it was for Oliver to just kinda watch us poke each other in class. Kinda disrespectful, definitely distracting. Makes me not want to do PDA ever again in public

Anyway, foreshadow of things to come, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what I might say in my next post, maybe the next one after that. I'll get to it. Maybe I won't.

I'm sorry, I was thinking about my first date in college. How it would turn out, how it would play out. Heres how I imagined it. She definitely has to be cute in a way, probably not short, long hair is a definite yes least past the shoulders straight, maybe curly. I always thought the perfect height of an asian girl is about 5'5 to 5'6. I know that I may be 6', but I always thought maybe for an asian It's a little bit tooo tall, cause then I would want to find a girl slightly taller, 5'8 5'9 just so I can kiss her easier. Kind of a lame reason but I'd rather take a girl who's around 5'5 to 5'6. I just prefer that height. Let's see she's also well toned, she doesn't have to be super athletic, abs and all that. Maybe go running every once in a while once or twice a week at the gym? Maybe with me? :D Definitely has to be super nice, but with a unique personality, something about her that keeps me interested. She doesn't have to be a mystery. I want to be able to uncover the pieces of her life bit by bit, putting them together to form a beautiful picture, of her the way I see her.

I want it to happen like this. I always think a real date is a cliche movie and a dinner. well maybe not the movie, but definitely dinner! My imagination split two ways one restaurant and one home/apartment cooking. Of course, I'll tell you both.

If it was at the restaurant I'd want to dress nicely, but not too formal. I guess a nice shirt would do. I would have to say, if she wore a tshirt, jeans whatever I'd be cool with that. Hm in my mind a semi-formal dinner attire, would have to be a dress =_= Maybe not a fancy prom dress, but a black dress. I think I love black dresses on girls. I think it makes them look really striking, sexy, and super cute all at once. I guess i'm a fan of hair too, if she has long hair, I would guess she has to do something with her hair. As a guy I never know how long or the effort it takes to make a girl's hair look great, or the amount of fasting or exercising she must do before a date or a dance. As for myself, I don't need too much work, a shower, a nice shirt, nice slacks, gel my hair and shave, and put on nice aftershave so I smell decent. And that's it, prep time is an hour at most. And i've heard girls taking 5 hours to get ready. wtf @_@ Props girls, I give you props. But it is just the first date, whoever spends that much time for a first date, must either really like me or just likes to look extremely nice. Either way, it definitely will have an impression on me. i would like to think that, if you look different on a date than what I see you at school, then you already made an impression. I know some guys like to gel their hair all the time, everyday. I never want to. Why? because when the occasion comes and you ran out of time and you don't gel you hair, people think you just went down a step. Since I don't, people won't care, but if I do gel my hair they think OH snap Steven did something different, he's making an effort to look nice. And well, to be honest guys don't have a lot to do to make themselves look different, girls do.

So that's how she'll dress, maybe with some earrings, not super long ones or like studs or anything, just a simple decorative short earring. No nail polish, I never really understood that. I like the natural color of a girl's nails. And for restaurant, we're at Rock Bottom, which has to be one of my most favorite restaurants ever, expensive yes. But I really like their food and their service cause it is really top quality. Of course I"m paying, because I would have asked her out on this date. We would laugh and talk and even though she may argue for the bill and having a good time, I would have to say, I asked you out, so i'll pay. But if she reallly has a problem with that then fine we'll split. But instead what i'll do is, I'll pay for the check and she can pay me back in whatever she wants, either money later or maybe even something for me later on. Pretty slick yeah?

But sadly I spent most of my time thinking about the home cooked version. It'll be the same attire, either she'll come in a tshirt or decked out in a nice black dress. I will always choose to have gel hair and nice shirt and pants. What'll happen is that I am a great cook and so I will basically cook anything :D First when I would have asked her out I definitely would have asked, so what do you like to eat? And then probably ask her out then to eat at my place for the nice and probably add in. dress nicely or something. I do wonder how I would have to ask a girl to eat at my place but make it a date. Obviously asking a girl out to eat, is more like a date, asking her to eat at your place doesn't really sound like a date, it just sounds like getting lunch at Subways. Or meeting up to go eat at a fastfood joint. Maybe I would've added in, "Oh if you want, dress nicely!" And I would've said that with a smile. If she didn't dress nicely, well I would've considered it my fault for not making it clear. Hm because this is my fantasy, I say she loved seafood. So I cook... SALMON for her :D Actually I in reality I would've asked her oh what kind of seafood. But for now let's just say salmon for simplicity. So I cook salmon, one plate for her and one for me with like a huge slab of super fresh expensive salmon. Cooked very tenderly and nicely with oyster sauce, the same way my mom cooks it, I love it. But that obviously can't be it, I cook a few other dishes, such as pork and also some veggies perhaps baby bok choy, or A cai , or steamed brocolli and of course every nice fancy dinner that I'll ever make will have to include goood home made soup. Bones from pork would be simmering in the pot, and I would add in carrots, lettuce and wintermelon. Much of this is home food. And of course, First thing is the soup, and then bring out everything, the main course salmon and a bunch of other foods.

And I imagined to be... Hey come to my place at 7 and come hungry ^__^
She would arrive punctually at 659, Very close to 7, I love being punctual for formal things. But being realistic here, I wouldn't know exaclty when she comes so I start cooking the salmon right when she first knocks on the door, but of course I have everything prepared. One of my roomates gets the door and they welcome her in. What she wears, doesn't matter at this point and I welcome her and I pull out the chair and say take a seat :D Already the soup has been made and the pot is being kept warm on the stove. I quickly get a bowl for her and myself and I give her a bowl full of soup and ask her to give it a try and tell me what she thinks. My roomates actually head out now, and leave the whole apartment to my date and I for a few hours and on the way out Jarod says, You are in a BIG surprise, STEVEN'S COOKING IS AMAZING!! alright Steven we're out cya later!! They'll head either to cafe V or OVT for dinner and they'll take 2-3 hours we planned this out before hand. So my date and I will have a nice quiet dinner time to chat and talk about ourselves while having a delicious meal. I tell her try the soup and tell me what you think. Sorry the salmon isn't done yet, I wanted to make sure that when you get her it would be straight out of the frying pan. She may be even really surprised, One i'm cooking, and two I'm making all these dishes that are already done or very close to being finished. At first she may even be blown away at the soup and everything such great hospitality right? And she even is surprised by the fact that I got salmon and salmon I think isn't really cheap =_= it's pretty expensive. Anyway she even be surprised at that. Well i start cooking the other dishes first, the veggies and pork. I finish and then I put them on the table and I say, Oh the right let me get you a bowl of rice too. And so I scoop her a bowl of rice and she waits for me. I finish the salmon and I bring the frying pan over and I give her the larger salmon piece and finally I finish cooking. The food Looks Great. Steaming salmon straight out of the frying pan onto her plate. And I say, okay done cooking let's eat!! She must be impressed that not only did i make an effort to dress up, but also put out all this food for us to eat. It must really be something. Well she eats it and finds it amazing. Everything is perfect :D If she didn't dress up or do anything special, she apologizes for not doing anything. I say it's alright, and I say I just wanted our dinner to be a bit special, that's all. She smiles poltely and says Thank you.

And that's how we begin. I personally think how it's amazing to able to make such an impression on a girl with not a lot of money, I would assume all that material of food cost about 20-30 dollars. Obviously with a crapload of leftovers too. I don't think she and I would eat everything, meaning this meal for both of us maybe have been just a mere 10-15 dollars. 10 dollars, plus 2 hours of food prep time, 1 hour of getting ready to look nice plus a summer's work of getting good at cooking, and one very lucky girl who'll get blown away for all i've done, equals one of the best and most memorable nights i'll ever have in my life. So worth it.


Damn my insomnia. I was finally able to go to sleep after finishing it right there. And now I'm hungry XD BREAKFAST FOOD TOMORROW MORNING FTW!

Update

You must be checking this a few times I suppose, but I just wanted to let you know that i'm okay. I did feel a bit lonely when I got back and I expected that we would hang out, but we haven't, or at least talk a lot on aim, but we haven't. And as usual you're busy, but that's okay. It's not your fault, I forgive you. Besides i've already started to move past that so it's not as bad anymore.


That's all.

I forgive you

I don't know if you have noticed but I am a little irritated. And to be honest I feel really stupid writing this and I say that because i'm always complaining and it's starting to make myself feel stupid. Let's face it, i'm pretty needy. I'm sorry that if you saw or rather felt that I was angry or weird or something. I felt that I may have something that made you upset, maybe I didn't but i'm sorry anyway.

SItting here, I don't really exactly know why i'm sad. Irritated yes, I'm irritated because of the little things such as not talking to me or just you being busy. And none of that's your fault. I guess I really am too needy, and I just expect too much again.

You're absolutely right, you shouldn't have to talk to me all the time, that's such a ridiculous request. It's stupid, i'm stupid. What was I thinking. I still give you props, you lasted out many times longer than anybody every did regards to talking to me frequently, everyday for many months before it stopped. I'm glad I was there. But things never last forever, and eventually we all lose the battle against time. You don't have to anymore, it's starting to seem like a chore now right? How pathetic am I..

The thing is, you never did anything to me. Be happy in the future, I feel like this is the price you paid for being busy in order to get where you are. There were many times I was jealous of you, but also proud of you. All that because you work hard. I probably knew this already. I know I could've done it too, I trust that I have much perseverance. I just knew in my heart I felt that I would have to give up so much though, and it didn't seem worth it. Just be happy for me then, wherever you are, or wherever you'll be.

You'll never see this anyway.

No I was was wrong, look at my yearbook

Loneliness?

I have to admit, it's pretty lonely to be back. Back at UCSD, there was always someone to talk to, but I wake up everyday, spend almost all my day with nobody but myself. I guess I wasn't ready for that.

I think it's hard to hide sadness, and loneliness, but I do it anyway. Maybe I really should get a job. It feels like that's the trend these days huh. Maybe that'll keep me busy and keep my mind busy. And I'll have something to look forward to at the end of the day, even simple as having good food or chatting.

But this home wasn't the home i expected. I feel like I have everything, yet all I found was that I have nothing.

Another note to myself, don't expect good things to happen, even if you feel that you deserve it.

Forget it.

I'm going to sleep.

Immovable Pedestal, Part 2

Well hopefully you haven't forgotten that I still like you more than a friend, but I still hold that we shouldn't date so you shouldn't be too worried about that. And it's just something I want you to know throughout the entirety of this blog.

Anyway, do you remember how hm not to name any names but he used to like you and you said something like forget about me and find someone else and he said there is no one else. And just to clarify

8:07:10 PM blubrry x3 icing: this is what the bio book says
8:07:16 PM blubrry x3 icing: "The heart sounds heard with a stethoscope are caused by closing of the valves"
8:07:21 PM blubrry x3 icing: boring so far
8:07:22 PM blubrry x3 icing: then it goes on
8:07:23 PM blubrry x3 icing: "(Even without a stethoscope, you can hear these sounds by pressing your ear tightly against the chest of a friend – a close friend)"
8:08:58 PM Steven Fong: wow
8:09:07 PM blubrry x3 icing: HAHAHA
8:09:17 PM blubrry x3 icing: "The sound pattern is "lub-dup, lub-dup, lub-dup."
He says... "its like the writer just lost it..."

And now you know who he is. And what I have to say is I can kind of relate to him now. Do you remember the previous post that I had, immovable pedestal, I believe. I guess that's it, you really are immovable haha.

If I were introduced the prettiest girl tomorrow and we were friends after that, I don't even think I could bring myself to date her, only because you are such a big part of my life. To be honest it scares the crap out of me, how I can think so much about you and not her. I suppose it shows how much you mean to me. And I wouldn't say that this is bad, I guess i'll remind you again that I'm not doing to date you silly. It's just I'm not sure if I can date another girl, which -- okay here is a clearer explanation of guy logic that just doesn't even make sense to me.

Okay, I cannot date you. At my age, I believe I should be dating, you know experience, loving someone, caring so much about someone, and so guy logic says I should date someone that is not you since that makes logical sense. But emotional says, what about you? And that question just has so much impact behind it that it basically wins over guy logic and i'm like stuck going oh, yeah I don't know what to do now >_>.

I guess the answer right now is to just not date anybody. But maybe next year that'll change. If I were to meet the prettiest girl tomorrow and not date her, well that's just hypothetical. If we were truly friends and had some chemistry going on between us, who knows? But for some reason, I am very damn well sure that you still take priority over her.

So for next year, it's either don't date at all, or go find a girl that I like and just develop a strong bond, and see where that goes. Okay seriously man, it's not your fault :P cause I know you'll think that and you'll just say Just MOVE ME DOWN!

That's the problem with me, I know I have your permission to move yourself down, but do I want to move you down?

The Right Thing

I think that part of being a good friend is knowing when to ask what's wrong, especially when he or she doesn't want to talk about something. No matter how much I want to know, no matter how much I want to fix it, and even if I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing by letting you hurt, it should be better if I just waited, until you're ready to talk. Just know that when you are, or feel like it, I'm going to listen and i'll help you through it as much as I can, I promise.

But sometimes I wonder if i'm going the right thing. Are you doing it out of consideration? Or do you need space?

Reminder

9:57:31 PM Steven Fong: hey
9:57:34 PM Steven Fong: thanks for checking up on me
9:57:37 PM Steven Fong: that was really thoughtful
9:57:38 PM blubrry x3 icing: =]]]]
9:57:49 PM blubrry x3 icing: what are best friends for? =D
9:57:51 PM blubrry x3 icing: *hugs*
9:57:56 PM Steven Fong: hehe true true
9:57:57 PM Steven Fong: *hugs*
9:57:59 PM blubrry x3 icing: :]]
9:58:08 PM Steven Fong: you're the best xD
9:58:15 PM blubrry x3 icing: XD no you are
9:58:18 PM blubrry x3 icing: cuz you're super patient w/ me
9:58:19 PM blubrry x3 icing: lol
9:58:21 PM blubrry x3 icing: suuuper patient

You really made my night right there :D

Sometimes I used to wonder when we did become best friends and the actual definition of a best friend. I suppose we become best friends recently after I went to college? At least that's when we got super close. Thinking about it, I remember that I initially thought that you'd probably just ask me for my opinion on Felix and such and then kinda stop talking to me. And also before that I would think that eventually you'd stop iming me every single day. Both those presumptions about were you blown away and you proved me wrong. I'm glad you did because it shows how much you care :D I don't think anybody else eve really did that for me; I mean stay in constant contact with me. Maybe that's why I was thinking sometimes that I treat you like a girlfriend or I act like a boyfriend or something when we both know we're not. I guess a lot of communication between each other displays that. Okay i'm not trying to say anything here, I was just pointing it out. And I'm not saying that it's bad because I love talking to you :D it's awesome to know that someone's there to talk to about anything really.

But anyway back to best friends. I think the actual definition of best friend is someone that you hold on to, that nobody else you know has that special bond. But sometimes I dont like to use the word best friend, only because I like friends that are close to me, and I don't mind having a few, which means I probably have a few best friends. Definitely you are one of my best friends, and Pedro is the other :D. Many examples follow. Lester's kinda lacking to be honest cause we don't talk a lot >_> but if he's there he's a really great friend as well.

Anyway to the main point, at one point I started to think of you as a best friend, but sometimes I was more or less afraid to say it, only because one it signifies a big attachment, something I try to avoid for obvious reasons. 2nd, I didn't know if you considered me as a best friend. I mean it's really obvious now, but something in me said maybe I'm not. Well I mean I am really close to you, but aside from me, I don't really know your friends, like Sae Lome, or Tina, or Seena or uh Angela, or Jamie. I mean they may be friends to you, but I wasn't sure how close they were since I haven't even been properly introduced to them xD I just kinda know them through you and Facebook. Anyway I guess it has to do with a past experience of mine, where I thought I had a best friend, but turns out his opinion of me changed over the years and I finally learned that I wasn't his best friend, which was kinda sad to me because he was like a childhood friend and I basically did everything with him. But I guess learning that, I suppose the definition of best friend is really complicated, and so defining it was very complicated as well, since two people have to agree. And there are so many people who are close that just the word "best" singles out everybody, and so I don't like having one best friend, I mean there is a go-to friend, that would be you :D But there are other best friends as well like Pedro.

Okay so I didn't really want to make this post long and I want to end on a happy note because you'd be reading it and you would get distracted and such xD, but the for reals main point that I was trying to make is that I'm really happy that you consider me as a best friend cause it really means a lot. Since you know, you are pretty damn popular :P and so I guess it gives me a big boost on self-esteem because I know there are a lot of friends that you could get close to as well :D Even if you had multiple best friends, like Sae Lome and Tina, I don't mind, I guess just having you say it means a lot to me and I really appreciate it ^_^

Btw, when you read this, it'll probably be a Saturday or Sunday xD Maybe Monday at the latest, but I'm going to sayyy Saturday cause you check this like hella. And of course, it was to make you study and not get distracted. Besides I would say this was a happy post so think of it as a reward after OWNING two SAT 2's because I know you'll just OWN it cause one you're the best (need I say more?) and you're DIANA CHOU!