First Loves

Sometimes I randomly think about her because I miss her. And it always starts when I talk to her on aim because all of the things we do on aim, for the most part we still do. She's the only person who calls me llama, regularly and actually recently it's been like llamastew lol. She switches it up.

Yesterday while I was driving home, I passed by Shoreline on Central Expressway. I thought, If i ever needed to visit Tina for any reason I'd take this. Then I started to miss her. And what I concluded was that although what we had was special and we most likely we'd never have it again, it still remains special. I thought about dating another girl, like pretending if I really had another girlfriend at the moment. Hopefully i'll still be able to be good friend with Tina, but thinking about it, if i were to hug my current girlfriend and cuddle, it's just not somehow the same with Tina. Maybe just thinking about cuddling with Tina again, man, it feels like it is only a unique experience and intimacy that only we share. I could do the same with another girl, but it's just not the same, we probably would never click on the same level as her.

I'm not really sure if it has to do with First loves, or just the fact that past relationships with ones that invested in seriously, will always have a unique feel to it. No other girl that I have ever met probably can make me feel that special. I could be wrong cause I haven't dated since then, but even so, I'd still think that she'll always be special, and not known as my ex, but known as my first. Yeahh..

I guess sometimes, she's still that special.

Edit: 8/13/09

Sometimes I wonder if I should tell her about how I feel. Maybe not, but I mean ask her a few things like how much did you really care for me. Do you still think about me, or miss me? And just what if we just started dating again. I've always wondered if at any point did she really love me, did she really fall for me. Did she really feel warm, welcome, and safe in my arms. Did I do a good job as her first? Did I ever leave a lasting impression that she'll remember for years. And also, does she ever regret ever not truly falling in love with me?

My answer to the last question, No, not really. I don't really regret that I've dated her because I got experience, and the times and memories that we spent together were memorable and most definitely worth it. I still think about whether or not if I still loved her or not, and I always come to the conclusion that somehow I just didn't. Or wait, Maybe I did just for a night, or just for a few precious intimate moments together before we separated and she had to go home or something.

One thing that I'm really afraid of is well just asking her those questions. Although I would love to hear her response, maybe get some more closure, even though it was well hm, I'm not sure. But it seemed pretty final and exact, she didn't love me and she didn't plan on loving me so that was that at the time. I wonder if she ever thought about it and wondered if she ever would change her mind on that. Or during the time that she was dating me. It kinda sucks ultimately because it seems that I didn't truly make a difference in her life, just being her boyfriend. I just feel sad that she couldn't bring herself to love me and it hurts to think about it sometimes because somehow, it was me and I don't want be alone.. I felt that she made a difference in my life, but I really can't say the same to her. And I'm also afraid of asking her because of the answers I'll get. If they're bad answers, i'll just feel worse about myself. If they're good answers, that'll just be another reason to like her again.

It's not like I want to try again cause I know it won't work out. I guess it's just, I wish she had a better reason to break up with me, but at the same time I myself can't even think up a better reason.