...Fucking A.
This is has got to be the most dreams I've ever had about one person, and I already don't like her and I think got over her. I don't know what to do anymore, and I am utterly confused. If I didn't have these damn dreams about her, I'd be damn sure that I didn't like her, but because I have dreams about her, I can never say that I'm fully over her or I fully don't like her.
Damn it all. Stop haunting me in my dreams D:
Now, again I'm contemplating if I should ask her about everything. And maybe in a few days worth of time it will pass. i swear if I get another dream again about her, I will talk to her about it.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
The Pinnacle of Relationship Comfort
May 4, 2009
1:52:33 AM Steven Fong: and how i don't hav esomeone anymore
1:52:49 AM Steven Fong: just makes me realize that to the girl that i really do like
1:52:52 AM Steven Fong: and i know she likes me back
1:53:09 AM Steven Fong: i know that someday sometime i just want to pour all my love for her and just show her that i care :D
1:53:30 AM Steven Fong: because that's just really kind of like sacred feeling that only you can have with someone else
1:53:42 AM Steven Fong: and some people are like aww i want to love someone.
1:53:48 AM Steven Fong: even if they found a person tomorrow
1:53:54 AM Steven Fong: it just won't be as special
1:54:06 AM Steven Fong: and i'd rather just wait and just possibly land on the love of my life someday
1:54:20 AM Steven Fong: and just love her with all my heart
1:54:32 AM Steven Fong: okay after i know she's right for me.
1:55:05 AM Steven Fong: but i guess if you think about it in the long term
1:55:39 AM Steven Fong: your pains and heartaches are just temporary to make up for all the great things that you'll experience with someone that you will truly love and he will truly love you back
Booyah, Bold and italics to make it more epic than it really is.
Mmmm that was a great night. And you're right one day I probably will make someone really happy and that's she's lucky to have me.
1:52:33 AM Steven Fong: and how i don't hav esomeone anymore
1:52:49 AM Steven Fong: just makes me realize that to the girl that i really do like
1:52:52 AM Steven Fong: and i know she likes me back
1:53:09 AM Steven Fong: i know that someday sometime i just want to pour all my love for her and just show her that i care :D
1:53:30 AM Steven Fong: because that's just really kind of like sacred feeling that only you can have with someone else
1:53:42 AM Steven Fong: and some people are like aww i want to love someone.
1:53:48 AM Steven Fong: even if they found a person tomorrow
1:53:54 AM Steven Fong: it just won't be as special
1:54:06 AM Steven Fong: and i'd rather just wait and just possibly land on the love of my life someday
1:54:20 AM Steven Fong: and just love her with all my heart
1:54:32 AM Steven Fong: okay after i know she's right for me.
1:55:05 AM Steven Fong: but i guess if you think about it in the long term
1:55:39 AM Steven Fong: your pains and heartaches are just temporary to make up for all the great things that you'll experience with someone that you will truly love and he will truly love you back
Booyah, Bold and italics to make it more epic than it really is.
Mmmm that was a great night. And you're right one day I probably will make someone really happy and that's she's lucky to have me.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
You're not perfect
I'm sorry.
I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. I don't know what got me thinking about this, but it never really occurred to me how much it would hurt to have you so busy. And I'm not talking about me being hurt, i'm talking about you being hurt. I just thought about the nostalgia post I made and how I wrote that I didn't like to think that you busy, but I guess out of selfishness I didn't think about how you would feel or respond or react to that. I'm sorry about that. I guess today I thought it must be such a horrible feeling to find out that you can't be there for me sometimes. You're just going to be busy and busy and just make total sacrifices for your future right now by working hard and getting the best grades. I'm sure you know what you're giving up, and although I think you hate to admit it, you know you're giving up a lot of things right now and I'm pretty sure it hurts so much to think about it sometimes. You can't be perfect and you can't make everybody happy. I think that at some point, you thought that you could just somehow make everybody happy and I think that you really can't. I can always try, of course, but I can only imagine the pain and hurt you must feel when you find out what either me or someone else is going to be unhappy even though you're trying so so SO hard. And for that I'm sorry I expected that from you. It didn't occur to me how painful you might feel.
You know I think there is one thing that may have gotten me to think about this. Two days ago I read a xanga entry on a girl who had trouble with a guy. At first they were wonderful and dating but after one month that guy started to say to the girl that she needed to be skinnier and dress nicely and such. The girl complied and did so, but she never really meet up to his standards. Sadness and despair took over the girl and eventually her self-image of herself shattered into tiny pieces. Thank Goodness that she's not dating that guy anymore but it definitely got me thinking Have I ever done that? It was basically an expectation issue from the guy... yes I've had that before and it always related to you. And then I got to thinking did I expect things from you such that if you couldn't fulfill it, would it in turn hurt you so much as this girl in the story? Maybe...
At least, that's how I subconsciously got myself to this post..
I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. I don't know what got me thinking about this, but it never really occurred to me how much it would hurt to have you so busy. And I'm not talking about me being hurt, i'm talking about you being hurt. I just thought about the nostalgia post I made and how I wrote that I didn't like to think that you busy, but I guess out of selfishness I didn't think about how you would feel or respond or react to that. I'm sorry about that. I guess today I thought it must be such a horrible feeling to find out that you can't be there for me sometimes. You're just going to be busy and busy and just make total sacrifices for your future right now by working hard and getting the best grades. I'm sure you know what you're giving up, and although I think you hate to admit it, you know you're giving up a lot of things right now and I'm pretty sure it hurts so much to think about it sometimes. You can't be perfect and you can't make everybody happy. I think that at some point, you thought that you could just somehow make everybody happy and I think that you really can't. I can always try, of course, but I can only imagine the pain and hurt you must feel when you find out what either me or someone else is going to be unhappy even though you're trying so so SO hard. And for that I'm sorry I expected that from you. It didn't occur to me how painful you might feel.
You know I think there is one thing that may have gotten me to think about this. Two days ago I read a xanga entry on a girl who had trouble with a guy. At first they were wonderful and dating but after one month that guy started to say to the girl that she needed to be skinnier and dress nicely and such. The girl complied and did so, but she never really meet up to his standards. Sadness and despair took over the girl and eventually her self-image of herself shattered into tiny pieces. Thank Goodness that she's not dating that guy anymore but it definitely got me thinking Have I ever done that? It was basically an expectation issue from the guy... yes I've had that before and it always related to you. And then I got to thinking did I expect things from you such that if you couldn't fulfill it, would it in turn hurt you so much as this girl in the story? Maybe...
At least, that's how I subconsciously got myself to this post..
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Nostalgia
So much has changed this year a few good things but a few bad things too. I would like to say that there are always a few memories that should be left untouched and unchanged, yet I should never think about those memories because they are so.. painful. But there are a few nostalgic moments thankfully in the recent years that can be reflected upon, but felt only with melancholy in return.
Trying to start from chronological order of last summer,
Dad, I miss the way that we got along so well as a family. I miss the weekly poker nights. I miss the monopoly sessions that lasted over 2 hours only to have all hotels at the end of the game before going completely bankrupt. But I hated how you used to argue with mom so much.
Tina, I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. And most of all, I miss your presence when I'm with you. I definitely miss your warmth since when I held you, I felt that I was safe and whole complete and I felt loved. The thing I miss the most? Your quirkiness and our cute talks together as a couple, our name calling even though we still do that to some extent. And I've always missed how I was able to make you laugh. But I hated how it had to end up like this, I hated how I had to find an inconvenient truth through my blind eyes.
Jennifer, I miss your innocent nature. I never thought that you would be the one to drink or try drugs, or put your body through harm like that for a little experience, for a little fun. I remember we used to be pretty good friends, at some point I think I even had a crush on you, a small one but you became significant to me. You helped me through my depression. The thing I miss the most? I miss the old you. Although you can still be described as the cute, funny, smart, pretty girl, I can never see you as the innocent one anymore. We all grow up, but I thought you grew up too fast. I hated how we just slowly started to drift away. You liked these things and I didn't. I tried to be a good friend, maybe I am, but for all I know, I lost you somehow someway and I know i'll never find the same girl again.
Felix, I miss your coolness. You were always a cool, straightforward, down to earth, one of the most chill person ever. And things changed and we started going down our own separate paths, right before my eyes and I couldn't do anything. We used to be so close, always hanging out and getting lunch. I miss that. I miss the fact that you'd just hit me up and we'd go bowling. I miss that you even talk to me sometimes. I miss that we used to goof around and what I miss the most? Somehow we just connected on a level where we didn't have to speak, but I hated how our friendship was so strong and yet you let something get in the way of things when I know you could have done something to preserve our friendship. I felt like you didn't make the right choice and now you're too far down along that road and now I can't even see that road anymore.
Diana, I miss how close we were. By far you are the closest friend that I had ever had. You were the only one who made the effort to talk to me every. single. day. I loved it to b honest. Although I knew the painful truth that it would never last forever, I wondered to see how far you could keep up. You make me proud to have you be my best friend; it's great. I miss how we never had an awkward silence and today it amazes me to think how did I/we do that. Maybe I always had something to say, or maybe you always had something to say or to ask and we got so close. I miss skipping things or cutting things early to have to tend to your assistance. I genuinely felt important, I felt loved. The thing I miss the most? The free time that you once had so that we could honestly talk about anything however long it may take. Even if we never finished we could always do it the next day. Now it seems such a rare occurrence. But I hate how I always have to tell myself it's cause she has homework, she doesn't have time for me sometimes. Although you said sometimes I can say "Can we talk for a bit?" I know somehow that'll never really happen. We'll never have all the time in the world to talk about things.
Lester, I also miss how close we were. I cannot believe that you went to another school just because you didn't pass chem ap. We could've been at the same school, doing the same things, we could've been roomies. You could have taught me guitar. We could have gone to badminton together have thursday office nights together at the girl's suite. I miss how we used to hang out a lot, but now it seems you're too preoccupied with your girlfriend and church. I understand that you're busy, but I only saw you once this summer just ONCE. The thing I miss the most? When we would be jamming together at your house without thinking that we sucked when I really did suck, but I hate how as I said, that we don't hang out enough and you don't exactly call me up to hang out nor do you go online on aim anymore What's up with that?
I felt like I lost a whole bunch more than these stories here. But here a picture is worth a thousand words and more than enough to tell you how I feel especially tonight.
The artist comment was "Why do people people sit on benches and watch everyone else go by. it's because there are sad and reflecting on life."
Trying to start from chronological order of last summer,
Dad, I miss the way that we got along so well as a family. I miss the weekly poker nights. I miss the monopoly sessions that lasted over 2 hours only to have all hotels at the end of the game before going completely bankrupt. But I hated how you used to argue with mom so much.
Tina, I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. And most of all, I miss your presence when I'm with you. I definitely miss your warmth since when I held you, I felt that I was safe and whole complete and I felt loved. The thing I miss the most? Your quirkiness and our cute talks together as a couple, our name calling even though we still do that to some extent. And I've always missed how I was able to make you laugh. But I hated how it had to end up like this, I hated how I had to find an inconvenient truth through my blind eyes.
Jennifer, I miss your innocent nature. I never thought that you would be the one to drink or try drugs, or put your body through harm like that for a little experience, for a little fun. I remember we used to be pretty good friends, at some point I think I even had a crush on you, a small one but you became significant to me. You helped me through my depression. The thing I miss the most? I miss the old you. Although you can still be described as the cute, funny, smart, pretty girl, I can never see you as the innocent one anymore. We all grow up, but I thought you grew up too fast. I hated how we just slowly started to drift away. You liked these things and I didn't. I tried to be a good friend, maybe I am, but for all I know, I lost you somehow someway and I know i'll never find the same girl again.
Felix, I miss your coolness. You were always a cool, straightforward, down to earth, one of the most chill person ever. And things changed and we started going down our own separate paths, right before my eyes and I couldn't do anything. We used to be so close, always hanging out and getting lunch. I miss that. I miss the fact that you'd just hit me up and we'd go bowling. I miss that you even talk to me sometimes. I miss that we used to goof around and what I miss the most? Somehow we just connected on a level where we didn't have to speak, but I hated how our friendship was so strong and yet you let something get in the way of things when I know you could have done something to preserve our friendship. I felt like you didn't make the right choice and now you're too far down along that road and now I can't even see that road anymore.
Diana, I miss how close we were. By far you are the closest friend that I had ever had. You were the only one who made the effort to talk to me every. single. day. I loved it to b honest. Although I knew the painful truth that it would never last forever, I wondered to see how far you could keep up. You make me proud to have you be my best friend; it's great. I miss how we never had an awkward silence and today it amazes me to think how did I/we do that. Maybe I always had something to say, or maybe you always had something to say or to ask and we got so close. I miss skipping things or cutting things early to have to tend to your assistance. I genuinely felt important, I felt loved. The thing I miss the most? The free time that you once had so that we could honestly talk about anything however long it may take. Even if we never finished we could always do it the next day. Now it seems such a rare occurrence. But I hate how I always have to tell myself it's cause she has homework, she doesn't have time for me sometimes. Although you said sometimes I can say "Can we talk for a bit?" I know somehow that'll never really happen. We'll never have all the time in the world to talk about things.
Lester, I also miss how close we were. I cannot believe that you went to another school just because you didn't pass chem ap. We could've been at the same school, doing the same things, we could've been roomies. You could have taught me guitar. We could have gone to badminton together have thursday office nights together at the girl's suite. I miss how we used to hang out a lot, but now it seems you're too preoccupied with your girlfriend and church. I understand that you're busy, but I only saw you once this summer just ONCE. The thing I miss the most? When we would be jamming together at your house without thinking that we sucked when I really did suck, but I hate how as I said, that we don't hang out enough and you don't exactly call me up to hang out nor do you go online on aim anymore What's up with that?
I felt like I lost a whole bunch more than these stories here. But here a picture is worth a thousand words and more than enough to tell you how I feel especially tonight.
The artist comment was "Why do people people sit on benches and watch everyone else go by. it's because there are sad and reflecting on life."
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