It's weird... *explosions in the sky*

Theres always been moments for me where especially in college where I'm sitting on my chair with the light on and only my desk light, not even my room light and I'm staring at the computer screen, reading some stories or relationship advice or just something that's useful like news. Weell first of all I do read a lot of relationship advice and opinion from lots of people, it's just interesting and it's something to do and it just turns out to be extremely helpful to either you guys or for myself. You know, it does make me a better potential boyfriend. And to top that off I used to read a lot of romantic fiction, only like fanfiction, but it's cute and it made me a real romantic buff. I still am in a way. Anyway it's just weird sometimes to sit in the dark with the light on, listening to Explosions in the Sky, wondering about relationships. Usually I would think about potential date scenarios, or potential people that I like and what I would do with them on a date, if I went on a date with them. And one reoccuring thought is going up to a hill and overlooking a city and then stargazing on a hill at night on a warm blanket. And we would hold hands and snuggle up to each other to stay warm, that sort of thing. Isn't that romantic? Of course if I was realistically doing this, I would only do it with like my girlfriend of a few months probably. You know so we get over the fact of physical touch kinda like Tina in a way. If I were to hug her from behind at the waistline she wouldn't like feel it anymore lol. But anyway being on top of a hill like that is nice because she can slowly fall asleep and I can watch her sleep and maybe we can fall asleep together.

You know, I have seen Tina sleep before. It was a very interesting sight. I have no idea why it was so interesting cause it's just Tina sleeping. Oh this was back in Relay for Life when both Tina and I went to camp overnight. THis was when I was a sophomore going onto junior year. During that time Tina and I already got used to physics contact and it felt good when she slept on me. It was incredibly hard though because I can't exactly lean on the tent otherwise it'd fall over so I was using my ab muscles to keep myself upright hardest thing to do in the world lol. So she eventually went to sleep by herself and when I came back I just kinda watched her sleep. Sure it makes it a creeper but damnit it was so interesting. I don't know if girls can ever relate to how I feel but it warmed my heart. Oh another romantic thing to do is well sleeping on the opposite side with her and facing each other. One thing I want to do is have her wake up to my smile and another is to just kiss her softly until she wakes up.

But of course, I'd probably start to do this like a few months in as well because we would have to get over the kissing part of the relationship. Since Tina and I didn't, well that's why i never really did it. Plus it's pretty PDA, to be in a tent unless it was just us two, but I didn't think that was the case. Either way I think it is extremely awkward to have pepole you know come in and see you kissing with your gf/bf. Especially when it starts to be boderline making out, that's just embarassing and to the people who walk in I bet they find it just plain disgusting, like get a room. I remember Julia said GET A ROOM YOU TWO just when we were hugging, which is some PDA, but not as bad as kissing...But after we get over the stage of kissing, well I can probably kiss her good morning. Pretty nice eh?

You know lots of people, including myself at times would think that the girl who will date me will definitely be one of the luckiest girls right? Just imagine lots of her friends go Awww you're so lucky to have him, because I want to have my girlfriend be loved a lot by me. Of course i'm going to have to watch out for being too attached to her so she doesn't suffocate, but she will definitely know that I love her and care for her a lot. My goal to be honest is well basically to make her happy and do good things for her for her well-being. But you see, this only happens after the walls break down, and after she gets to know me, but the hardest part is, tat she has to genuinely like me for who I am and that being with me, brightens her day and makes her happy. And well that is hard to find.

Doing all cute things and great things for friends who are girls are great, but that doesn't mean jack sometimes if she doesn't like you like you. Well what i mean is, I'm sure my friends who are girls are still really grateful, but she won't feel lucky to be like my girlfriend or anything, perhaps just lucky enough to be and have found a friend like me. And that's great, but I want someone who cares about me on a deeper level too.

And now we almost went in a full circle.

It's weird thinking about this because I always have a lonely feeling, I mean it makes sense because it means i'm longing for a girlfriend, which can also be a bad thing if it gets too extreme, but it's weird beacuse every time I experience this loneliness, it's like I've never felt it before and every time it's at its full potency and I always feel terrible in a way. I feel sad, lonely, a bit worthless, or less so, but you know I guess it's pretty natural to want someone to love you after all hormones you know.

Well it's a full circle because I dream and wonder about relationships, and it causes me to feel lonely. Sometimes I feel lonely and I think about this stuff and I don't feel lonely. it doesn't really matter which occurs first or which occurs last. It's all the same in the end. Sometimes I have to go through this cycle like 3 to 4 times before I can fall asleep. Damn you insomnia. But this only happens when I am seriously hooked on thinking about it, when I'm actively thinking about it. And sometimes I can't stop. Sometimes i'll stop thinking about it and it'll haunt me in my dreams. Do you know how many times I've had dreams about Tina or people who I've liked? It's pretty ridiculous cause I've lost count...

I doubt theres anything wrong with me, It's not like this happens daily It only happens every so, now and again. Few times a month. Tonight just happened to be those nights and I know why. It was because I thought about how everybody is starting school. And what happens if I started school. Well on some nights when I like awake, and lie in bed with the bed light on. I think about this, I remember how lonely I used to be in my own room. One light on, eyes half closed, Insomnia striking, and my heart sinks a bit, and then it floats back up and I'm higher than a kite only to come crashing down and sinking below the surface, and then rising... falling.... and finally I stay afloat and I can sleep peacefully, and well tomorrow's a new day, right?

Until next time.