Silence

And then there are times when we have nothing to say.  As much as we'd like to say something special something meaningful, there is nothing and we just sit and wait in silence until something interesting comes along.  

As much as i like to talk about some personal things.  Sometimes I feel as if there isn't anything left to say in which sparks silence... which leads to distance, a friendship put on hold really.  Let the silence be broken by you.

Memories

I added music today :O it's on the top right! It's auto play but if you don't want it you can always push pause and it'll stop playing.  I"ll change the song every so often. It apparently doesn't work on google chrome but it does work with firefox and safari.

Beautiful green trees and grass in an open field flooding with a peaceful serenity.  Green grass of the sky illuminated by the rising sun of the morning.  A bit chilly, but extremely quiet, peaceful, tranquility is the dominating feeling.  As wide as the eye can see is the green color that floods your eyes and makes you want to fall down and sleep, roll, enjoy, soak it all up.  Even so the blissful sight, a feeling of sadness, melancholy becomes introduced as well.  Close your eyes and see the children playing and growing old.  See that they progress through their lives and fall down and smile.  Watch them be free.  But the cycle continues and doesn't wait for anyone.  Time also, doesn't wait for anyone.  Leaves turn old and frail and soon begin to fall from the trees that look so strong and so tall.  They lose the leaves, that are now to be yellow orange.  Kids cannot seek shelter from the trees anymore.  No they become left to fend off for themselves.  But even through the coldest of the nights and the hottest of the day, somehow we still make it.  And when we do the grass is green the sky is blue and populated trees with leaves are back.  Serenity, the cycle of beauty.

The Real Me

A lot of the posts I think that I make and will make on blogger is that I want to talk about the more personal aspects about me and my life.  I really think a lot my friends know me by the surface as a funny carefree guy who is mostly always happy.  I want to show them the other side of me in this blogger because that's really not all who I am.  I am both parts sad and happy.  As much as I'd love to be happy all the time, let's face it I'm not.  And I think by reading the blogs that I put on here, people will know more of the real me, not the one that I trick you guys into knowing.  I will most likely post my fears, my wants, my problems, my dreams, my beliefs, basically anything that you wouldn't really catch me talking about in public with other people.  Well that is all. 

P.S.  I will also most likely make my entries long just to scare away those who want an easy answer as to who I am.  Obviously one cannot experience the same effect reading sparknotes than compared to one who actually read the book.  This will be me as in what goes on in my head because you've seen how I act.  Yes?

Dreams

Last night I had a dream.  It was a very very strange and incredibly long, at least longer than my normal dreams.  So basically I was in thie ghetto place that was all graffitied and I entered a wooden shack and crawled through some tight spaces kinda like Half life 2 crouching through small vent spaces and such.  Then coming to an opening I was found with wooden walls covering everywhere basically.  I go through and I turn a corner and there are just more wooden walls with another corner.  This was kinda of like a maze, but not.  I meet this old man who greets me but I dont remember much of that.  I just go on and then eventually i climb up a ladder to find myself surrounded by a cold damp stone walls, kinda like a ghetto prison.  And the old man also climbs up with me and suddenly this yeti, yes a friggen yeti, comes out of nowhere and throws a bench you see at parks at an opening but it crashes to the ground and misses the old guy and me.  And for some reason this yeti just spontaneously has unlimited park benches because it just keeps throwing it at us for no apparent reason.  And so I got restless and bored and so I somehow summed a broom and I became a witch or warlock?  and I bust down the wall of broken park benches and the yeti runs away in fear.  Then this beautiful girl comes around the stone wall and claps for me.  The girl kinda reminds me of kiki's delivery service, I'm not sure if you guys ever watched that movie but it was that girl, but like a lot prettier :D  And so naturally she is a witch and she like zooms away on her broom.  And I follow her into the sky and this is daylight and I can see her really far away, and sudeenly i'm flying after her on my broom but not exactly sitting on it.  I just held it in my hand and did a one handed superman stance fly.  And when I finally start to catch up to her, she takes a dive and dissapears in a hugeee pond below me that was dark water.  I get off my broom and i'm walking on the water only to try and find her.  I finally find her and she is small as a water bug just floating around and swimming away and i'm yelling KIKI!!! KIKI!! And she's just kinda not paying attention to me like she suddenly got possessed or something and kinda just ignores me.  I walk off sad that she ran away and as I'm walking on the water I see this purple eye on the surface of the water that looks like an egyption eye all ornamented and its eyeball looks at me and i'm pissed because this entity was the thing that was controlling Kiki and shrunk her to a water bug size and is ignoring me so I take my broom and totally smashes that thing only to realize that I can't really kill the eye because it's floating on water and I just get myself wet and the eye just floats on the water.  After like 5 hits on the eye the eye slowly starts to shrink me and I quickly try and get away from the water and as I am getting smaller and smaller I barely can reach the pond wall so I climb out.  I am now like midget sized and i'm back at the beginning of my dream near the ghetto graffitied place and I go into the shack hoping to see the girl again, crawl through the vents and all and appear at the wooden wall place.  I'm thinking... hmmm I should SAVE LOL wtf! And somehow I think "ESC" and suddenly this menu comes up before me and i'm like SAVE and the menu disappears following the words "your life as been saved..." and right when I see those words the old man finds me this time and he rushes at me and starts beating me with his hands like a mindless zombie and i'm just standing there absorbing the blows.  And then later this old lady comes behind the old man and starts screaming and shrieking really wildly and starts beating me too and all this time I can't feel anything and i'm just going... Can you guys please stop trying to hurt me? You can't.  I'm God.  

I seriously have some subliminal subconscious mind girl issues and issues about where I stand in life right now.  Help me out?  

College talk and drinking.

It hasn't really dawned on me the fact that we're not going to see each other again.  I remember in AVID that we had a talk about not seeing each other and our AVID class is a lot of like a family since we've been together for 4 years.  It was a very emotional talk I remember, and people cried.  Sadly it is only a little less than two weeks before I leave for college.  I'm actually look forward to it, but I don't know how it will be when I don't see my friends when they're at other schools.  And on top of that there's the drama of everybody in a relationship ><.  *sigh* Very depressing.  

You know now that we're going to college, I think we'll all have to make choices that are really going to impact our lives.  Well because of the fact that we're living away from home, it'll be like we're totally dependent with nobody to really look after us.  I believe that how we choose to live in college will really mirror how we'll really live when we really have our own place.  I personally think it's awesome, but at the same time this comes with a ton of responsibility.  And another thing about college we are going to be 18 years old.  Legally our parents really can't tell us what to do anymore.  It's time to make our own choices and take control of our lives for real and start using what we've learned.  And then there's the big 21, which brings me to drinking in college.  I don't know man.  I've still been literally trained to just dislike it when people start talking about it, especially when it's underage.  You know why?  I suppose it's because I lose focus or control of my body, but of course there's always the argument that I can always control how much I drink.  Still I fear myself.  Kinda scary to think about, but I think there is something really dangerous about me when I don't have a lot of control.  I think it's because of my childhood or the result of coming out of my depression.  I am a firm believer that what I did in the past is a huge reflection of who I will become or will play a large role of who I am in the future especially more focused on childhood.  When I was a kid, I was a really violent kid and also I wanted a lot of attention.  I really don't want to go a lot into my childhood, it's not like reaaallly bad but there was a lot of family issues and i'll leave it at that.  Anyway I think that violence carried over.  Example:  In freshman year when I was still kinda emotionally unstable, I tended to get mad or just really sad very easily and there was that one time when Justin took my seat on the bench because I threw something away.  And I remember him saying this smart ass comment or something and I got soooo mad that I like violently pushed him off the bench and he was on the ground and I yelled at him.  I don't remember what I said but he definitely backed down.  I totally regret doing that.  Usually I can take a lot of crap from people and kinda still hold my pride, you know?  Maybe that's the key to why I'm so happy because a lot of things has to happen to get me down now.  Another example, also in freshman year.  I was taking out my badminton racket the crappy wilson one and Tiffany and Andrea like took it and ran off with it as a joke.  I kindly asked for it back because I try not to be mean to girls, and I couldn't get it back so I got overly depressed and I whipped out my ipod to listen to emo music.  Here is a picture.  Okay don't know how to post a picture... but it's not important.  But as a reference picture # 646 outta 753.  Yes so that is my behavior when stuff gets the best of me.  Another thing that scares me even more is the fact that I create alternate realities in my head aka day dreaming.  At least I think it's day dreaming.  I don't know I just imagine something happening in my head while I zone out for a minute sometimes as much as 10 minutes.  Anyway sometimes when I'm angry or depressed I day dream about it and how I can change it.  I take multiple routes, usually not ending in a very happy place.  Sometimes I can get really mean and nasty.  Example.  My step dad asked me to type up a list of the movies on dvd that we were going to sell, but I couldn't really read his writing and i said that, but he snapped back and said Oh are you serious?  I can write better than you can!" That was really... not cool.  And it was true because I couldn't read his hand writing and I had to ask him multiple times what it was.  He writes in cursive, fyi.  Anyway that was the event.  My day dream about it.. which was just 3 days ago was about me talking back to him saying WHY DON'T YOU DO IT YOURSELF YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT.  YOU'RE JUST GOING TO WATCH TV!  I really thought he was lazy, but that's how my day dreams are on depressing stuff.  Oh it gets worse.  Those are the daydreams which I talk, but there are the more scarier dreams in which I will actually kill maim hurt skewer chop pull cut shoot taser punch pummel and you get the idea.  I really don't think this is really healthy for me.  But that's what i'm really scared of.  I'm really scared of drinking because it is a depressant and will make me relax too much and I might get set off by this sad experience I had and will actually do something about it.  Obviously this is when i'm drunk, but seriously when I will drink I WILL lose control and just thinking about what I do, it's just scary.  Plus this relates to my childhood again about drinking.  Domestic violence.  

I really filter what I say and what I do.  Maybe that's why I appear happier than I really am, but I guess I just show my other side when i'm day dreaming.  I do have a ugly side, I really do.  I just hope none of you reading this will ever see it.  I'm sure you have or will, but for the time being i'm making my best effort to never let it show.  I think i'll just name this drinking and college, since I mainly talked about that.