Wow really? Two days after I wrote that blog it came true. Unbelievable it really is. At first it was like oh wow no way is this really happening? Is this my dream? And it seemed silly because it was like I didn't know at first but at the same time I knew it was my dream. It had the same feeling and it resonated throughout my mind and hit so many emotions that it just made me recall over and over what I had thought about 2 days prior. It felt like my head was about to blow up.
I wrote down a few questions for myself.
Have you ever tried to find an old version of yourself because you've realized you've changed?
Have you tried to throw yourself into the past by watching old videos, listen go to old music that made you feel nostalgic, or talk to old friends and possibly exes?
Have you ever found yourself to be lost and couldn't find yourself anymore and somewhat like you couldn't find your way home?
(Like going to the army, coming back after a war, but it was like you never came back)?
I think you can't go back. My reason and analogies will be as follows. My reason being we change and we adept to new situations, never old situations. We constantly thrive and continue to drastically improve our minds and our lives from present to future. We "flow" only in one direction from present to future. There is no route back to the past. You can't change yourself because you grow. Just like you can't honestly be your 4 year old self. You only have your own impression and memories of being one.
Likewise my analogy that I like. A lot. Think of an empty palette, devoid of colors. You are the palette, age 0. Life, full of colors, decide to shape you and mold you into a color of your choosing. Sometimes you pick your colors, sometimes you can't. Anyway te point is you start off with a drop of one color, an experience an relationship, a love life, a new friend, anything. It is one color. And it comes in quantity, saturation, hue, vibrancy, and thickness whatever you name it. You have now have this color. Congratulations, you are born. You have taken your first breath, your first cry you know what it is to be a baby. You mix in more colors, white, orange, pink, blue... you are now age 1. You mix and you mix and you mix them all up until you get a different color, mixtures of all different colors with different amounts and quantities. See what i'm doing here? My past self, age 18 starting college. Mixture of colors. Present, age 20, mixture of different colors. It includes my old colors, but my new color that is me is different. can I go back to my old color? Sureee I suppose but, will I be those same colors? No because I have more amounts of colors. I have more experiences, relationships, love lifes, etc. I cannot go back to the past to reclaim my former self. It's impossible. My future self will have even more colors than now.
That pretty much hits the nail on all those questions except for the first.
Have I thrown myself in to the past? Yes of course I have. And I did so in search of my old self to find my old colors. And I partially did. Did I get it though? I wouldn't say I was successful, but it was good enough for the time being.
Did I find myself lost and could I find myself back? Yes and no. THere are new parts of me that I think that I have lost and I can't find myself back home just because I've forgotten how. That's what life does to you. You change and sometimes you can't remember. Example? Be a 3 year old, 4 year old kid. Do you honestly remember?
Now the first question. Have I tried to find myself? Yes why? because I didn't like the present and the only thing I could change was myself. I can't change others and I can't change life. I was taught that if I wanted to change something, the changes start with myself and the rest will follow because my change will affect those around me. Maybe I'll make a difference that way.
And that's what I thought and it's what I continue to believe today. What do I want to change? Well my dreams of course. When they come true, I get scared because I dont' want them to come true. I don't want to be left behind as a ghost or a mobile tree. I want to live damnit and I want to live with the people I know best and care about the most. It's as if I died, and I was a ghost watching them just like today when they were watching Up. I can see them but it was different. Skype is different, because i'm not in the same room because they can't see me. They can't tell how uncomfortable it is for me to just watch. I've been waiting a whole quarter to catch up with these two and at the chance i have all I end up doing is watching them watch a movie? Are you kidding me? Okay that's not how it really happened. I talked to them, I got a feel how hard their quarter was and it was extremely hard. And that was awesome. And I'm glad we got to catch up that way.
And yet I left with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I've looked in the mirror, and you can't tell but I know my colors have changed again. Do I want to find my old self again though? I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I even need to.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
recognition
I had a bad dream last night. I woke up in the morning all groggy thinking what happened there? I half wish that I wrote about it in the morning, but actually I wished that I just hadn't dreamed about it at all. It leads to the question of are we even friends? Am I living without you now? Two very simple questions with nothing substantial in the question itself, but the meaning and the story it has behind this question... that's what matters to me.
This was a strange dream, there were no huge events. Just emotion and feeling. Literally only one or two things happened. It goes like this. Diana Lester and I wake up in the same room in different beds. It's in the morning, maybe we're all living together. They're not dating and I'm not dating. We're just like roommates. Strangely enough, I am a ghost, but i'm not really a ghost, but I appear to be one. Why? Because I am ignored, but I am not hated. I am simply not heard, not recognized but they move around me as if I were a mobile tree.
And... that's it. That is all I can remember, but what I wanted to remember the most was my response, and how I felt in this situation. This leads me to my questions...Actually the first question, not so significant but it is obviously the common sense question. It would be the first thing to ask. In this case, there is no answer for this question just yet. I just wanted to explore the second question. Taken quite literally, I am living with them, but I am not living with them because I have no recognition. And to me,
To have no recognition is to not live.
But I am “living” per se. I am breathing, I can see, I can feel, I am part of “reality”. It feels like I am part of the world, or rather my world. It got me thinking when I woke up. Now generally I don't hang out with either of those two very much. And it will be less frequent in the upcoming year. So far I am only going back for 2 weeks for christmas break whereas they are already home. Furthermore, Diana is at Stanford working and so we cant exactly hang out during the weekday. And the times she's off, we will be with our families, or at least I plan to be. In this way it makes me think, is she losing me, is he losing me? Or is it that I am losing them? My winter break is shortened, I'm not quite sure if I'll be coming back for spring break and my summer vacation is only 2 weeks. How will I find time for them? I haven't even talked to Diana or Lester too much this quarter. I haven't really been updated by Diana either. I sent her a text during finals week saying we should catch up but she never goes online anymore. It's too hard by text to catch up. Am I expected to call her? Am I expected to call him?
Am I the Felix now...?
I don't even know if Diana and I are really good friends anymore. We may be busy but that's the problem. We've both learned to live without each other. And with that we've grown independent and we don't need each other. She hasn't exactly asked me for updates either. It seems so painful to text her and then ask her how are you doing, only to have her reply i'm good. At that moment in time, we are good. Do I know anything about her though? No. I don't. I really don't.
I don't even know if Lester and I are good friends anymore either. He disappeared last year because he was so insanely busy and now we have begun to live without each other as well. Here's the thing, we only have our digital copies for ourselves, online through facebook through aim. Sadly this is our form of communication. Our false communication. We won't post about our day, we won't explain what happened. We will just see a moment in our lives backed up with nothing. Pictures, blah, it's not even him in different places, doing different things. They're just pictures of him making faces.
Likewise they're just pictures of her with her new friends. They barely tell me anything. It's like i'm just stalking them through their digital lives. How pathetic.
Am I fortifying our friendship bonds with her, with him? No, I'm not. Is it even my fault? Possibly, but I chose to take up this job and it never required me to lose any of this. Who says taking up a job loses friendships? To fix this, we honestly just need to spend some quality time together, to ask questions, to be meaningful, to be important to one another. I don't think we are anymore. I dont think I am anymore.
Is this what I have to give up to become an adult? My dreams scare me.
This was a strange dream, there were no huge events. Just emotion and feeling. Literally only one or two things happened. It goes like this. Diana Lester and I wake up in the same room in different beds. It's in the morning, maybe we're all living together. They're not dating and I'm not dating. We're just like roommates. Strangely enough, I am a ghost, but i'm not really a ghost, but I appear to be one. Why? Because I am ignored, but I am not hated. I am simply not heard, not recognized but they move around me as if I were a mobile tree.
And... that's it. That is all I can remember, but what I wanted to remember the most was my response, and how I felt in this situation. This leads me to my questions...Actually the first question, not so significant but it is obviously the common sense question. It would be the first thing to ask. In this case, there is no answer for this question just yet. I just wanted to explore the second question. Taken quite literally, I am living with them, but I am not living with them because I have no recognition. And to me,
To have no recognition is to not live.
But I am “living” per se. I am breathing, I can see, I can feel, I am part of “reality”. It feels like I am part of the world, or rather my world. It got me thinking when I woke up. Now generally I don't hang out with either of those two very much. And it will be less frequent in the upcoming year. So far I am only going back for 2 weeks for christmas break whereas they are already home. Furthermore, Diana is at Stanford working and so we cant exactly hang out during the weekday. And the times she's off, we will be with our families, or at least I plan to be. In this way it makes me think, is she losing me, is he losing me? Or is it that I am losing them? My winter break is shortened, I'm not quite sure if I'll be coming back for spring break and my summer vacation is only 2 weeks. How will I find time for them? I haven't even talked to Diana or Lester too much this quarter. I haven't really been updated by Diana either. I sent her a text during finals week saying we should catch up but she never goes online anymore. It's too hard by text to catch up. Am I expected to call her? Am I expected to call him?
Am I the Felix now...?
I don't even know if Diana and I are really good friends anymore. We may be busy but that's the problem. We've both learned to live without each other. And with that we've grown independent and we don't need each other. She hasn't exactly asked me for updates either. It seems so painful to text her and then ask her how are you doing, only to have her reply i'm good. At that moment in time, we are good. Do I know anything about her though? No. I don't. I really don't.
I don't even know if Lester and I are good friends anymore either. He disappeared last year because he was so insanely busy and now we have begun to live without each other as well. Here's the thing, we only have our digital copies for ourselves, online through facebook through aim. Sadly this is our form of communication. Our false communication. We won't post about our day, we won't explain what happened. We will just see a moment in our lives backed up with nothing. Pictures, blah, it's not even him in different places, doing different things. They're just pictures of him making faces.
Likewise they're just pictures of her with her new friends. They barely tell me anything. It's like i'm just stalking them through their digital lives. How pathetic.
Am I fortifying our friendship bonds with her, with him? No, I'm not. Is it even my fault? Possibly, but I chose to take up this job and it never required me to lose any of this. Who says taking up a job loses friendships? To fix this, we honestly just need to spend some quality time together, to ask questions, to be meaningful, to be important to one another. I don't think we are anymore. I dont think I am anymore.
Is this what I have to give up to become an adult? My dreams scare me.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Forgot...
Now that this quarter is finally OVER. I feel like I can somewhat relax and focus on my life a bit more, like evaluate it. What I mean by that is to step back from all this business I was thrown into this quarter and just kinda think what were some good and bad times that I've had. Mostly trying to pin point any kind of drama or anything.
And the reason I focus on drama is because that brings out my character. It brings out who I am and how I deal with certain situations, and I feel as if I talk about them, I can have a better understanding of myself. Rather than thinking it through I feel as if writing it through gives me a better idea how to have a different approach on the same situation given the same situation.
Two main or rather, three, actually no, two big ones, one small issue that i've come across this quarter. I'll start with the first issue, but before that a slight introduction.
I'm living with girls. This isn't and shouldn't be a surprise. They're both two wonderful roommates, Debby and Steph, or Steph and Debby, take your pick. I chose to live with girls this year for two main reasons. The first and biggest reason why was because I wanted to see how living with girls is different from living with guys. Girls are well girls and guys are like me. There's a isn't noticeable difference between the two, and I say this because you would think so, but in terms of living, there honestly isn't too big of a difference. I'm an only child, so I don't know what's it's like to have a sister or a brother, but I'm sure that those who have siblings, know that having a brother or sister doesn't bring too much of a change. They live like you. So messiness, check. The biggest difference I think is just how they think and how they act differently from guys.
This brings me to my next point. Gossip. I'm not a fan of gossiping and neither is Steph and we get a long that much better. On the other hand, Debby gossips a bit more. I'm not saying this is bad, but it is different. My friends in high school usually don't gossip and the guys I lived with last year and the year before that didn't even gossip. In fact I don't really even like gossiping because one it's none of my business and two I don't really care. There isn't too much to say about this other than it's different because it seems to be an extremely interesting thing to some girls. *not only Debby*
I'm getting closer to my point... really. When girls get their period... that's an interesting time as well as well as how much freakin toilet paper girls use compared to me and all the guys I know and lived with. Not to say that they just a horrendous amount, but I'm not used to going through a toilet roll within a week to a week and a half. I think last year it takes about a month to go through that. I mean obviously we only use it when we take a crap. Now associated with periods are emotional fluctuations which I can't even tell if girls are on their period or not. This actually kind of bothers me, just because there are some actions from girls when they're on their period that just screams "bitch" like the girls who live below us. But if I had known they were on their period I might take it a little less negatively. I don't know girls are weird and they do some crazy things when you don't expect it D: and I want to blame it on the period but that makes me look like a douche.
Getting on the point, there was one time when Debby didn't do too well in school and had a big argument with her parents. And she also told everyone (steph and I) that she was on her period. And I was like oh. I guess that's why she's so emotional right now? Man I don't know how I'm going to tell... Anyway this brings a lot of drama becuse her parents then decide to come down for Thanksgiving break. Extremely awkward because they get here on Weds night and then it's okay... but then on Friday morning I get a rude awakening to a lot of yelling at 830 am in the morning. Lots of argumenting stomping and shit going down ensues and her parents leave. Now they drive down from norcal... just 2 days ago and now leaving friday morning. An extremely short stay, but pretty much I don't want to get too into this because this is gossiping. But pretty much I had to console her about life and parents and future actions and money, hope, strength etc. It was a painful because Debby and I aren't really close but come on she's really hurting here. I can't sit in my room while she's in her bed sobbing. This is all due to her parents and how they treat her. I later learn other things but I don't want to get into that.
Anyway this kinda has an effect on me just because I realize how I'm treated by mom and it's extremely chill compared to Debby's. I mean I got a freakin F on my last programming assignment that I spent LITERALLY over 35 hours in. I started the week before and every single fucking day I would program for 3-10 hours. And to get an F on something you worked so hard on in the last week is fucking bullshit because 35 hours is almost the same amount of time you would spend doing a full time job. And I had to go to school and work at the same time. So jesus that was an extremely painful week. Still kinda bitter but I'll deal. Anyway my mom's reaction to this was what you got an F! and I was like yeah i'm pretty pissed, but I told her various reasons on how I got that F and how hard I worked on it and everything. Cause when she called on me I pretty much told her I was programming all the time. So she knows and to have her trust me is the golden part of our relationship. Contrast with Debby's parents where they don't believe her at all... and are so harsh on her when she tries to do her best in school and everything. I don't know it seems like she can't even live her life her own way and she's 20 already. Come on seriously? I think after high school you should be free to be and choose who you want to be already as corny as it sounds. And overall I'm just glad that my mom trusts me and treats me with respect as do I for her. I love my mom for that.
If theres ever one thing you take away from my blog here it is. When I was young, I used to do everything for my parents meaning grades. Get that A for my mom because she wanted me to. It felt like an order like a necessary requirement that if I didn't, I would be kicked out of the house and I remember my mom specifically saying that I would be out of the house if I ever got a B. And it scared the shit outta me. Later on in high school I still have that mentality but it was also when my mom started to change and realize that everything I do is getting that much harder and those expectations weren't realistic, but I kept onto them. Eventually I started to realize they were stupid expectations. And heres the kicker, at one point from high school I stopped doing it for my mom. I started to do everything for myself. I had dream and I had hopes. My mom had given me the opportunity to push me close enough so I can grab hold of my own dream and go on with it. Asian parentin is hell when you're a kid, but when you get older you realize how ahead of the pack you can bewith all that pushing and shoving. It's something that I agree and disagree with. Sometimes it can be extremely harsh but it's rewarding as well. Anyway, I had dreams to become a computer engineer and so I knew I had to get good grades in math and sciences and I thought I did. And now that i'm in college. I aspire myself to be a great computer engineer. I don't want B's in computer science or electrical engineering courses anymore. And I actually haven't noticed until college but my mom stopped pushing me. I think it was her way of telling me oh you got this now, you have your own determination to push yourself to get to where you want to be. I think she was telling me that without her in the beginning when I was young, there would be no way I would ever get here by myself. I needed my mom and now that I got here, I go wherever I want. I can do things for myself now, I can achieve grades for myself for my future where everything has a point and a purpose.
I could tell you all day what my mom has done for me and how she's awesome at it, but I'll leave it at that. I was going to write more, but I'll continue another time, this was just 1 major part out of the 2-3 that I had planned.
And the reason I focus on drama is because that brings out my character. It brings out who I am and how I deal with certain situations, and I feel as if I talk about them, I can have a better understanding of myself. Rather than thinking it through I feel as if writing it through gives me a better idea how to have a different approach on the same situation given the same situation.
Two main or rather, three, actually no, two big ones, one small issue that i've come across this quarter. I'll start with the first issue, but before that a slight introduction.
I'm living with girls. This isn't and shouldn't be a surprise. They're both two wonderful roommates, Debby and Steph, or Steph and Debby, take your pick. I chose to live with girls this year for two main reasons. The first and biggest reason why was because I wanted to see how living with girls is different from living with guys. Girls are well girls and guys are like me. There's a isn't noticeable difference between the two, and I say this because you would think so, but in terms of living, there honestly isn't too big of a difference. I'm an only child, so I don't know what's it's like to have a sister or a brother, but I'm sure that those who have siblings, know that having a brother or sister doesn't bring too much of a change. They live like you. So messiness, check. The biggest difference I think is just how they think and how they act differently from guys.
This brings me to my next point. Gossip. I'm not a fan of gossiping and neither is Steph and we get a long that much better. On the other hand, Debby gossips a bit more. I'm not saying this is bad, but it is different. My friends in high school usually don't gossip and the guys I lived with last year and the year before that didn't even gossip. In fact I don't really even like gossiping because one it's none of my business and two I don't really care. There isn't too much to say about this other than it's different because it seems to be an extremely interesting thing to some girls. *not only Debby*
I'm getting closer to my point... really. When girls get their period... that's an interesting time as well as well as how much freakin toilet paper girls use compared to me and all the guys I know and lived with. Not to say that they just a horrendous amount, but I'm not used to going through a toilet roll within a week to a week and a half. I think last year it takes about a month to go through that. I mean obviously we only use it when we take a crap. Now associated with periods are emotional fluctuations which I can't even tell if girls are on their period or not. This actually kind of bothers me, just because there are some actions from girls when they're on their period that just screams "bitch" like the girls who live below us. But if I had known they were on their period I might take it a little less negatively. I don't know girls are weird and they do some crazy things when you don't expect it D: and I want to blame it on the period but that makes me look like a douche.
Getting on the point, there was one time when Debby didn't do too well in school and had a big argument with her parents. And she also told everyone (steph and I) that she was on her period. And I was like oh. I guess that's why she's so emotional right now? Man I don't know how I'm going to tell... Anyway this brings a lot of drama becuse her parents then decide to come down for Thanksgiving break. Extremely awkward because they get here on Weds night and then it's okay... but then on Friday morning I get a rude awakening to a lot of yelling at 830 am in the morning. Lots of argumenting stomping and shit going down ensues and her parents leave. Now they drive down from norcal... just 2 days ago and now leaving friday morning. An extremely short stay, but pretty much I don't want to get too into this because this is gossiping. But pretty much I had to console her about life and parents and future actions and money, hope, strength etc. It was a painful because Debby and I aren't really close but come on she's really hurting here. I can't sit in my room while she's in her bed sobbing. This is all due to her parents and how they treat her. I later learn other things but I don't want to get into that.
Anyway this kinda has an effect on me just because I realize how I'm treated by mom and it's extremely chill compared to Debby's. I mean I got a freakin F on my last programming assignment that I spent LITERALLY over 35 hours in. I started the week before and every single fucking day I would program for 3-10 hours. And to get an F on something you worked so hard on in the last week is fucking bullshit because 35 hours is almost the same amount of time you would spend doing a full time job. And I had to go to school and work at the same time. So jesus that was an extremely painful week. Still kinda bitter but I'll deal. Anyway my mom's reaction to this was what you got an F! and I was like yeah i'm pretty pissed, but I told her various reasons on how I got that F and how hard I worked on it and everything. Cause when she called on me I pretty much told her I was programming all the time. So she knows and to have her trust me is the golden part of our relationship. Contrast with Debby's parents where they don't believe her at all... and are so harsh on her when she tries to do her best in school and everything. I don't know it seems like she can't even live her life her own way and she's 20 already. Come on seriously? I think after high school you should be free to be and choose who you want to be already as corny as it sounds. And overall I'm just glad that my mom trusts me and treats me with respect as do I for her. I love my mom for that.
If theres ever one thing you take away from my blog here it is. When I was young, I used to do everything for my parents meaning grades. Get that A for my mom because she wanted me to. It felt like an order like a necessary requirement that if I didn't, I would be kicked out of the house and I remember my mom specifically saying that I would be out of the house if I ever got a B. And it scared the shit outta me. Later on in high school I still have that mentality but it was also when my mom started to change and realize that everything I do is getting that much harder and those expectations weren't realistic, but I kept onto them. Eventually I started to realize they were stupid expectations. And heres the kicker, at one point from high school I stopped doing it for my mom. I started to do everything for myself. I had dream and I had hopes. My mom had given me the opportunity to push me close enough so I can grab hold of my own dream and go on with it. Asian parentin is hell when you're a kid, but when you get older you realize how ahead of the pack you can bewith all that pushing and shoving. It's something that I agree and disagree with. Sometimes it can be extremely harsh but it's rewarding as well. Anyway, I had dreams to become a computer engineer and so I knew I had to get good grades in math and sciences and I thought I did. And now that i'm in college. I aspire myself to be a great computer engineer. I don't want B's in computer science or electrical engineering courses anymore. And I actually haven't noticed until college but my mom stopped pushing me. I think it was her way of telling me oh you got this now, you have your own determination to push yourself to get to where you want to be. I think she was telling me that without her in the beginning when I was young, there would be no way I would ever get here by myself. I needed my mom and now that I got here, I go wherever I want. I can do things for myself now, I can achieve grades for myself for my future where everything has a point and a purpose.
I could tell you all day what my mom has done for me and how she's awesome at it, but I'll leave it at that. I was going to write more, but I'll continue another time, this was just 1 major part out of the 2-3 that I had planned.
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