Let me tell you...

Let me tell you why I write and how painful it is to write in this blog every now and again.  

I write, for the purpose of writing, to express the thoughts of my inner soul, myself, and what I feel that can be transcribed into words, much like... a medium of art; technically it is "art".  My art opens a window into my soul, which you can peek in through now and again to see what I felt on this day, at this time.  

I write, for the purpose of writing, to express the thoughts that are significant, or most significant at this time, that I deem to be significant, and that is judged by the pain that I describe later in this blog.  

You see, everytime when I write in this blog, it hurts because of all the sad events that occur, that might occur, or will occur.  And in this diary, which I call, will soon be chalkful of painful memories, which I intend to leave in the dust behind me.  But what's ironic is that the writing here becomes permanent, and can never go away, much like the events that have occurred in my life.  It hurts to write a painful memory and so, it hurts to write in here because of the trigger that I know this is a book of pain, my pain.  

And the most significant part? It hurts the most to write in here, because I know I'm going to write about something sad, something that angers me, something that makes me confused, something that starts to chew away at myself and I start to lose a part of myself and I fall into an abyss of darkness (for imagery).  

And it becomes writing with my own blood.

The most strangest part? 

I write because it hurts, but at least it reminds me that I'm human.  I guess it's going to be impossible to have a reaction of... "oh no" when I tell you that I wrote something in my blog now.  Maybe... it didn't have to be this way, but it was, and it's not going to change.  

The thing on my mind that caused me to write this?  I can't think of another thing, other than the drama and sad songs that touch just the right chord and of course, silence.  

I just wish you told me.

I just wish you had told me that talking to her was such a big problem instead of just keeping it all inside, hoping that it would have gone away.  Why would you do such a thing to her and to me?  And I don't understand why you were so jealous of me, and you couldn't come talk to me.  This isn't mean girls where you just talk shit behind my back, but just I wished you just confronted me and say hey man, can you not talk to Diana so much? Of course, I would have asked why not and seeing as it bothered you so much.  Of course I would have not talked to her so much.  It may have been over the top for you and for that I'm sorry, but we BOTH figured that you were long gone; you weren't apart of her life so much anymore, and i'm not saying that I replaced you, although that is probably how you thought of it to be.  But why did you stand so idle?  I still wonder.  

It was also the first time we really had an argument over a girl.  I thought this would never happen to me in my life, but what's strange is that I don't even like her and likewise for her.  I just understand it's in her nature to act super nice and that makes her so nice to be around and to hang out, and there are also fallacies to that such as leading someone on, but I understand completely.  

One other thing I don't understand.  You were jealous, but how and why did that happen?  Was it because.. it all started with a neglected phone call?  And the problems started to arise?  A flame needs it's wood to stay alive, otherwise it would smolder and then die, remember that.  And then.. I stepped in to help? ; As a friend.  And from that moment on we also became the best of friends.  But what exactly did you do?  Nothing?  That's what I don't understand from you.  And then what, you became jealous that I helped her with the issues that you created?  And now you hate me for it?  Did you ever stop to think why I talk to her so much?  It's not because I like her but we're just good friends and it's because I can be there when she needs someone; at least I try my best?  

I understand you took a job at the cafeteria?  To pay off your College expenses? Sure lets say that, that you HAD to take a job.  Understandable. I wish I had one too since I'm less well off than you and that's fine, but look what you gave up.  You claim to be busy, and look at where that ended up.  And now you want her back?  What the hell do you want, then?  What will change?  And if you knew that the job will interfere with your relationship, talk to her.  It may hurt, but why are you just not talking and just wondering what will become?  If you didn't have enough time, then isn't it understandable to end a relationship with good reason?  Rather than, to act like you disappeared, without a trace, without knowing why?

I don't understand you, and I don't know if I ever will now.  I know I didn't deserve the bitterness, but I'm here aren't I?  And lastly, it was worth it to be here because I changed your life, in fact, both of your lives.  

Do you remember the post from Oct 29?  Truthfully, I wasn't really homesick.  It was very much like the homesick feeling, and technically it was, but it was triggered by you because things just weren't the same anymore.  You acted like I wasn't there, and when I saw you again at Panda Express?  There wasn't a sign of any friendliness, it was all so neutral.  And you made me feel homesick, because I missed how we used to be.  And suddenly I didn't feel like playing badminton anymore and so I left.  

I'm sorry that I had to keep this from you, and that I didn't tell you what was going on between him and me.  

You be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, and I'll be the wings that keep your heart in the clouds.

Unexpected

It was very unexpected today, that you were so happy.  Maybe unexpected isn't the right word, but I was really surprised, like you were surprised that there was 1440% vitamin C in my Jamba Juice lol :D  And I wouldn't say that you being happy is a bad thing, because you being happy made me really happy too.  What's significant is, I'm not quite sure, that you are so capable of being happy that as a best friend, I would never be able to keep up with you.  What I mean is, I'm not sure if I'll be able to do the same.  Sure I can be happy, i'm not saying it's like "Oh hey, Hi." and leave it there, but man you just blew me away.  Don't worry, I really loved it :D and it really made my day a million times better ^_^.  I'm just worried that I'll never do the same to you, and to me it just somehow seems unfair and somehow, makes me an unworthy friend, which is taken to a very extreme level, which I know for a fact isn't true.  But it does make me feel bad, in a way.  Though please I want to say it again, don't get me wrong, I still loved it very much, :D and I hope you can keep smiling like that forever.  I'm just not sure if I'll be able to.

Jealousy

It's weird.

I think out of all the time I spent time with Tina I was never really jealous when she hung out with other guys, well probably because she didn't >_>.  Typically.  And there was that one time when I think a family friend asked her out to go to a junior prom, but she was like "Uhh sorry >_> I have a boyfriend" And I remember she telling me this and I remember she said the guy gasped and said "Oh sorry about that ><;;" and carried on the conversation like normal.  Poor guy.  But anyway I don't think I've ever been legitimately jealous of some guy that Tina may have liked.  

And this brings me to my story tonight.    So like at 12:38 am tonight, she moved her status on facebook from "single" to "no longer single" and when I saw that I was like OMG WTH!?  And I IMMEDIATELY went to her facebook.  And realized it was like "married to Anna Diley" or so I think.  Haha, randomly Mr. Brightside started playing.  Ironic eh?  Anyway I have no proof that her status is that because you can always hide your relationship status but it will always show up on everybody's feed when you move the relationship status to something else.  

And this brings me to my point tonight.  For the first time I was jealous, or at least cautious/wary/extremely curious that I shouldn't have been.  And I think this is due to the fact that Tina and I remain great friends, but it's like we know each other so well after going through a relationship.  And I feel like no other guy can really know her as well as I can, but that's not really to say that I won't let her have a boyfriend.  But I am worried about her because she doesn't like a lot of things that guys I think are.  First of all I think a lot of guys are ASSES.  Wait I just thought of something.  She obviously wouldn't date an ass.  Okay scratch that.  Assuming she was dating a guy she liked, first obvious flaw, alcohol.  He may like alcohol and pressure her or try to bring her to a party.  I know she hates alcohol and I would never pressure her to go, and it always sucks to have a drunk or a boyfriend that drinks.  Okay so there could be those who don't drink that much, and just occasionally, but stilllll D:  Second thing, dances and freaking.  Tina absolutely HATES freaking and hates freakers.  I would have to say I come close to freaking with her, but no I don't.  If you see freakers, you see them freak, that's obvious. If you see us, it's like...not exactly and I consider it not freaking.  Third thing, and the thing I worry about most of her, moving too fast or kissing or anything like that.  I'll just be honest with you guys whoever is reading this.  I have NEVER had my first kiss yet with a girl.  Yup.  Not even with Tina because I just knew she wasn't ready for it.  I kissed her on the cheek a FEW times.  Let's see.. Valentines Day, and twice when she came to my house summer before college because I just thought it was time and I would rather try to kiss her than regret NEVER doing it because I knew we wouldn't be together with her during and after college and it would be very sad D:  IRONICALLY.  That kiss on the cheek, ultimately led to the breakup with me and her because I asked her if she was comfortable and she wasn't, and then I figured out she wasn't really read for a serious relationship and there we go.  Bam we weren't together anymore.  Once she said that it was basically all over.  I'm still sad because of it.  But I have to constantly remind myself it wasn't my fault and I just tried my best and did the best I could.  It is sad I haven't kissed a girl yet, I'm sure you're still thinking that and you're still going "OMG YOU NEVER KISSED HER?!"  Yeah I didn't.  I didn't want to pressure her and obviously we moved too slow, and I should have at least talked to her about kissing and I guess it never happened. THAT was my fault.  I suppose I never got my first kiss from my first girlfriend because it was my fault.  That's okay, I'll learn.  Anyway I'm sorry, back to the point.  I'm really afraid she will have to move faster or something and she won't like that.  Wait, If she does have a boyfriend, then she's ready to move on, and she's ready for a serious relationship.  Okay I guess that ruled that one out.  So.. I guess I'm just jealous that I couldn't have that, and some lucky guy can have that because I really think Tina is a very very beautiful girl and I would definitely sing every love song on guitar for her and actually mean it, cause I really loved her, and even now I think I am very lucky to have dated her :D I am so jealous for the guy who will be her boyfriend, but maybe i'll grow up and accept it and I might as well start doing that now.  That still doesn't change the fact I feel like I am the one who knows her best and I want her to be happy, yet I don't want a guy who just doesn't know her as well as I do.  I just want to point out the complex relationship that we have, because we had a nice break up and we still talk.  In fact I talked to her on skype yesterday for like an hour and I really enjoyed that.  I guess, I just kinda miss her.  I don't even know if I miss her as a friend or girlfriend right now and if I could, what I want most right now, is just to go up to her and give her a hug like I used to do, and just say, "I want to be there for you and I will be."

Good night, everyone!

She likes me, she likes me not

Hmm so on Saturday, at 130 ish pm, I went to do laundry, well get my clothes out of the dryer and into my basket.  And when I opened the door, there was a girl putting her clothes in the dryer.  And I was taking out my clothes from the dryer and there was a really long awkward moment because it's just awkward... and then she breaks the silence by asking me if i'm on this floor.  And I say yes, I just live right over there *points* and.. she's like OH yeah I live on that side too! I'm in lauren's suite.  And i'm like. what really?! I never see you there >_> And she says well it's cause i'm studying usually x_x.  She was nice :D and pretty cute I guess.  

Maybe i'm attracted to quiet girls who study all day... >_>

Sorry her name was Martina.

Anyway, sadly I don't think I can have her.  No, I don't know if she's taken, but if she wasn't taken then it's still like sorry I don't think I can date you T_T even though you may be an awesome person.  I may be just thinking too much into the future.  And i'm trying to juggle everything at once... What about summer vacation?  She lives in norcal, San Mateo, No I didn't stalk her, I just happened to see her name on the door and everybody's name has cities of where they live under them.  Anyway, Summer? 3 whole months.  And theres no possible way that I can see her. And my mom won't like the idea that I have a girlfriend again *sigh* Plus if I date her. Think about the time frame, Let's say we get together the beginning of 2nd quarter, that leaves 6 months of dating, Yay that's fun.  And then comes summer 3 months of not seeing each other.  That's just depressing. I don't really want to go through a break up =_=  To be honest the one I went through was hard enough that I can handle and got over in a week.  I really don't want ot be lamenting over a girl I love that'll take a month or two to get over.  That's just painful.  I think... I'll get a car first?  Next year Maybe then i'll have a girlfriend.  SO I can also have time to recollect, be more mature, and at least be ready to be a boyfriend.  So far, I think i'm not ready to be one yet, at least not a good one up to my own personal standards.  I want her to feel like a princess basically, and that I"m alwas there.  Like I'm your friend :D, but i'm yours, personally yours.  That's who I want to be.  I want to be more than a friend to her, I want her to rely on me and I want to be there and also give her anything she wants.  And seeing her over the summer, definitely needs to be a requirement xD 

Mmmm at least I know we can just be friends :D

Homesickness

Now I can only look at my feet when I walk,

And only remember where I've walked,

And where I've been.  

Another simulation,

Devil Inside - Utada Hikaru

Please,

Save Me - Darren Styles.

It was the first time I couldn't and didn't want to play badminton.  And letting the ache just fill up inside.  Here we go again.  

To be or not to be?

A simulation, in my head of what will happen, what might happen and also cynically what I wish could happen.

A story simulation of what may have occurred after playing badminton.

I'm walking outside of the gym, sweaty, hot, tired and my feet hurt while knowing tomorrow I will have another blister on my toe.  This jacket is oh so sticky and I want to keep it on because I don't want to catch a cold when I go outside.  Come on Jennifer, let's go! I think to myself.  I head out the door first while also holding the door for Jennifer to catch up.  The cold breeze outside is definitely chilling and piercing and yet it feels refreshing, like a cold tall drink of water after a long run.  And I'm presented with this option.

"Jennifer do you want me to walk you back to Marshall."

"No I'm okay you can go back to Warren."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah yeah don't worry about me, it's not that late. I'll be fine"

"Please? How about halfway or something to upper marshall apartments.  Then I can go down RIMAC hill and that'll seem a lot quicker."

"Are you sure, going through Center is a lot qui-"

"Jennifer..., do you remember what happened last Friday night when I walked Amanda home? She said the exact same thing.  Look I know I trust you, but at least if I go with you, I know you're at least safe.  Besides it's not really a bother for me.  I know I should have finished walking Amanda to ERC, but I wanted to trust her.  You know when parents, people, friends in general don't think you're capable and you want to prove them wrong by doing it?  Maybe that's what she needed.  I thought she just wanted trust from another person.  I know she must have felt bad for dragging me out so far away to ERC, which is uphill and far away, but I didn't care.  It was the reason I was there.  She didn't seem drunk, she looked and sounded completely sober.  So I trusted her. And I went back, and remember I was questioned how I got back so quickly and figured out I had made the wrong mistake.  And both you Tim Belinda all said that I had done the wrong thing and I had failed as being an escorted.  Look, Jennifer, I don't care if it takes me longer or whatever.  I at least want to make sure that you get home safer than me walking back home right now.  I know you trust yourself, I trust in you, but I want to make sure something I couldn't do for Amanda.  I'm glad she got home safely but next time I promised myself I would fully walk them there no matter what I was doing.  And so right now I don't care."

Why is it that when I try and do the right thing of taking people home, I still mess up and have people hate me for it?  You know maybe for walking people, I guess I'll never trust them, no matter what they say I'll just walk you home, but only for girls I'm guessing.  Why is it that I can't be a good friend, and also a good person at the same time?

edit: This was a lot cleaner than what I had wanted to say in my simulation just fyi. 

Goodbye my Lover, Goodbye my Friend.

I can't help but notice a drift in friendship, and i'm not talking about those who are not in the same college as me, but more of those who are in the same college as me.  So if you don't go to the same school as I do, that's okay, but if you do consider this.  Most likely the readers are not going the audience i'm targeting.  In fact i'm just going to say that i'm targeting only 2 people, who are here.  In some slight chance that they do read this, read it and know that I'm telling you straight up what's happening.  

I'm going to make this anonymous as possible, but there are always hints to know who it is just because I can't write that well.  Anyway onto what i'm going to say.

I've known you for a very long time, but it feels as if we're drifting away.  We used to talk a lot on aim, but we're busy now, we're in college and that's understandable.  I haven't exactly been able to hang out wth you, nor do I call you because I don't know.  That's my fault.  But it really feels as if we're both in different worlds now and somehow we just don't connect anymore.  I'm afraid that i've been a bad friend to you because you ask for small favors and yet I can't accomplish that, and then you get mad.  You never used to get mad, or at least you never showed it to the extent that I felt like a failure.  I understand that it's always been there, but it was just that image of you, the image of you that I still hold that I try and preserve while you slowly chip away the foundation of what I hold and treasure you dearly.  But in the end I can't do anything about it, since we're just two different people.  I've always wished we could just stay friends, but i'm starting to lose sight of what the future is.  You'll be in your world being dragged into another while I just stay here hoping that you'll come back.  Maybe I should go after you and bring you back, but did you even want me back?  I feel like an awkward turtle, and I feel like I always get in your way.  Maybe youre trying to escape me.  I doubt I wasn't a good enough friend, but I really don't know what's up now.

I've known you for a less amount of time.  We used to hang out a lot and then it just started trailing off into the distance.  I don't know what's up with that either.  Suddenly you just became really busy, and when I try to hang out with you, it seems you're busy, and you never exactly call me to hang out either.  I really don't want our friendship to deteriorate, but it is, and I can't seem to do anything about it.  For the readers, in case you're wondering, it wasn't your fault, Now i'm referring to one person.  It wasn't your fault.  It's just life.  Stop trying to think it was your fault please.  If not you, and me, it was him okay?  I really hope we get to hang out soon otherwise we really won't this year. 

Why is it that the friend that is closer to me, I am willing to let go easier?  Can I be too great of a friend, such that I am worried of being selfish for you to be my friend and not others?  Is that why i'm losing you and you getting tired of me?  

Silence

And then there are times when we have nothing to say.  As much as we'd like to say something special something meaningful, there is nothing and we just sit and wait in silence until something interesting comes along.  

As much as i like to talk about some personal things.  Sometimes I feel as if there isn't anything left to say in which sparks silence... which leads to distance, a friendship put on hold really.  Let the silence be broken by you.

Memories

I added music today :O it's on the top right! It's auto play but if you don't want it you can always push pause and it'll stop playing.  I"ll change the song every so often. It apparently doesn't work on google chrome but it does work with firefox and safari.

Beautiful green trees and grass in an open field flooding with a peaceful serenity.  Green grass of the sky illuminated by the rising sun of the morning.  A bit chilly, but extremely quiet, peaceful, tranquility is the dominating feeling.  As wide as the eye can see is the green color that floods your eyes and makes you want to fall down and sleep, roll, enjoy, soak it all up.  Even so the blissful sight, a feeling of sadness, melancholy becomes introduced as well.  Close your eyes and see the children playing and growing old.  See that they progress through their lives and fall down and smile.  Watch them be free.  But the cycle continues and doesn't wait for anyone.  Time also, doesn't wait for anyone.  Leaves turn old and frail and soon begin to fall from the trees that look so strong and so tall.  They lose the leaves, that are now to be yellow orange.  Kids cannot seek shelter from the trees anymore.  No they become left to fend off for themselves.  But even through the coldest of the nights and the hottest of the day, somehow we still make it.  And when we do the grass is green the sky is blue and populated trees with leaves are back.  Serenity, the cycle of beauty.

The Real Me

A lot of the posts I think that I make and will make on blogger is that I want to talk about the more personal aspects about me and my life.  I really think a lot my friends know me by the surface as a funny carefree guy who is mostly always happy.  I want to show them the other side of me in this blogger because that's really not all who I am.  I am both parts sad and happy.  As much as I'd love to be happy all the time, let's face it I'm not.  And I think by reading the blogs that I put on here, people will know more of the real me, not the one that I trick you guys into knowing.  I will most likely post my fears, my wants, my problems, my dreams, my beliefs, basically anything that you wouldn't really catch me talking about in public with other people.  Well that is all. 

P.S.  I will also most likely make my entries long just to scare away those who want an easy answer as to who I am.  Obviously one cannot experience the same effect reading sparknotes than compared to one who actually read the book.  This will be me as in what goes on in my head because you've seen how I act.  Yes?

Dreams

Last night I had a dream.  It was a very very strange and incredibly long, at least longer than my normal dreams.  So basically I was in thie ghetto place that was all graffitied and I entered a wooden shack and crawled through some tight spaces kinda like Half life 2 crouching through small vent spaces and such.  Then coming to an opening I was found with wooden walls covering everywhere basically.  I go through and I turn a corner and there are just more wooden walls with another corner.  This was kinda of like a maze, but not.  I meet this old man who greets me but I dont remember much of that.  I just go on and then eventually i climb up a ladder to find myself surrounded by a cold damp stone walls, kinda like a ghetto prison.  And the old man also climbs up with me and suddenly this yeti, yes a friggen yeti, comes out of nowhere and throws a bench you see at parks at an opening but it crashes to the ground and misses the old guy and me.  And for some reason this yeti just spontaneously has unlimited park benches because it just keeps throwing it at us for no apparent reason.  And so I got restless and bored and so I somehow summed a broom and I became a witch or warlock?  and I bust down the wall of broken park benches and the yeti runs away in fear.  Then this beautiful girl comes around the stone wall and claps for me.  The girl kinda reminds me of kiki's delivery service, I'm not sure if you guys ever watched that movie but it was that girl, but like a lot prettier :D  And so naturally she is a witch and she like zooms away on her broom.  And I follow her into the sky and this is daylight and I can see her really far away, and sudeenly i'm flying after her on my broom but not exactly sitting on it.  I just held it in my hand and did a one handed superman stance fly.  And when I finally start to catch up to her, she takes a dive and dissapears in a hugeee pond below me that was dark water.  I get off my broom and i'm walking on the water only to try and find her.  I finally find her and she is small as a water bug just floating around and swimming away and i'm yelling KIKI!!! KIKI!! And she's just kinda not paying attention to me like she suddenly got possessed or something and kinda just ignores me.  I walk off sad that she ran away and as I'm walking on the water I see this purple eye on the surface of the water that looks like an egyption eye all ornamented and its eyeball looks at me and i'm pissed because this entity was the thing that was controlling Kiki and shrunk her to a water bug size and is ignoring me so I take my broom and totally smashes that thing only to realize that I can't really kill the eye because it's floating on water and I just get myself wet and the eye just floats on the water.  After like 5 hits on the eye the eye slowly starts to shrink me and I quickly try and get away from the water and as I am getting smaller and smaller I barely can reach the pond wall so I climb out.  I am now like midget sized and i'm back at the beginning of my dream near the ghetto graffitied place and I go into the shack hoping to see the girl again, crawl through the vents and all and appear at the wooden wall place.  I'm thinking... hmmm I should SAVE LOL wtf! And somehow I think "ESC" and suddenly this menu comes up before me and i'm like SAVE and the menu disappears following the words "your life as been saved..." and right when I see those words the old man finds me this time and he rushes at me and starts beating me with his hands like a mindless zombie and i'm just standing there absorbing the blows.  And then later this old lady comes behind the old man and starts screaming and shrieking really wildly and starts beating me too and all this time I can't feel anything and i'm just going... Can you guys please stop trying to hurt me? You can't.  I'm God.  

I seriously have some subliminal subconscious mind girl issues and issues about where I stand in life right now.  Help me out?  

College talk and drinking.

It hasn't really dawned on me the fact that we're not going to see each other again.  I remember in AVID that we had a talk about not seeing each other and our AVID class is a lot of like a family since we've been together for 4 years.  It was a very emotional talk I remember, and people cried.  Sadly it is only a little less than two weeks before I leave for college.  I'm actually look forward to it, but I don't know how it will be when I don't see my friends when they're at other schools.  And on top of that there's the drama of everybody in a relationship ><.  *sigh* Very depressing.  

You know now that we're going to college, I think we'll all have to make choices that are really going to impact our lives.  Well because of the fact that we're living away from home, it'll be like we're totally dependent with nobody to really look after us.  I believe that how we choose to live in college will really mirror how we'll really live when we really have our own place.  I personally think it's awesome, but at the same time this comes with a ton of responsibility.  And another thing about college we are going to be 18 years old.  Legally our parents really can't tell us what to do anymore.  It's time to make our own choices and take control of our lives for real and start using what we've learned.  And then there's the big 21, which brings me to drinking in college.  I don't know man.  I've still been literally trained to just dislike it when people start talking about it, especially when it's underage.  You know why?  I suppose it's because I lose focus or control of my body, but of course there's always the argument that I can always control how much I drink.  Still I fear myself.  Kinda scary to think about, but I think there is something really dangerous about me when I don't have a lot of control.  I think it's because of my childhood or the result of coming out of my depression.  I am a firm believer that what I did in the past is a huge reflection of who I will become or will play a large role of who I am in the future especially more focused on childhood.  When I was a kid, I was a really violent kid and also I wanted a lot of attention.  I really don't want to go a lot into my childhood, it's not like reaaallly bad but there was a lot of family issues and i'll leave it at that.  Anyway I think that violence carried over.  Example:  In freshman year when I was still kinda emotionally unstable, I tended to get mad or just really sad very easily and there was that one time when Justin took my seat on the bench because I threw something away.  And I remember him saying this smart ass comment or something and I got soooo mad that I like violently pushed him off the bench and he was on the ground and I yelled at him.  I don't remember what I said but he definitely backed down.  I totally regret doing that.  Usually I can take a lot of crap from people and kinda still hold my pride, you know?  Maybe that's the key to why I'm so happy because a lot of things has to happen to get me down now.  Another example, also in freshman year.  I was taking out my badminton racket the crappy wilson one and Tiffany and Andrea like took it and ran off with it as a joke.  I kindly asked for it back because I try not to be mean to girls, and I couldn't get it back so I got overly depressed and I whipped out my ipod to listen to emo music.  Here is a picture.  Okay don't know how to post a picture... but it's not important.  But as a reference picture # 646 outta 753.  Yes so that is my behavior when stuff gets the best of me.  Another thing that scares me even more is the fact that I create alternate realities in my head aka day dreaming.  At least I think it's day dreaming.  I don't know I just imagine something happening in my head while I zone out for a minute sometimes as much as 10 minutes.  Anyway sometimes when I'm angry or depressed I day dream about it and how I can change it.  I take multiple routes, usually not ending in a very happy place.  Sometimes I can get really mean and nasty.  Example.  My step dad asked me to type up a list of the movies on dvd that we were going to sell, but I couldn't really read his writing and i said that, but he snapped back and said Oh are you serious?  I can write better than you can!" That was really... not cool.  And it was true because I couldn't read his hand writing and I had to ask him multiple times what it was.  He writes in cursive, fyi.  Anyway that was the event.  My day dream about it.. which was just 3 days ago was about me talking back to him saying WHY DON'T YOU DO IT YOURSELF YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT.  YOU'RE JUST GOING TO WATCH TV!  I really thought he was lazy, but that's how my day dreams are on depressing stuff.  Oh it gets worse.  Those are the daydreams which I talk, but there are the more scarier dreams in which I will actually kill maim hurt skewer chop pull cut shoot taser punch pummel and you get the idea.  I really don't think this is really healthy for me.  But that's what i'm really scared of.  I'm really scared of drinking because it is a depressant and will make me relax too much and I might get set off by this sad experience I had and will actually do something about it.  Obviously this is when i'm drunk, but seriously when I will drink I WILL lose control and just thinking about what I do, it's just scary.  Plus this relates to my childhood again about drinking.  Domestic violence.  

I really filter what I say and what I do.  Maybe that's why I appear happier than I really am, but I guess I just show my other side when i'm day dreaming.  I do have a ugly side, I really do.  I just hope none of you reading this will ever see it.  I'm sure you have or will, but for the time being i'm making my best effort to never let it show.  I think i'll just name this drinking and college, since I mainly talked about that.