Let me tell you...

Let me tell you why I write and how painful it is to write in this blog every now and again.  

I write, for the purpose of writing, to express the thoughts of my inner soul, myself, and what I feel that can be transcribed into words, much like... a medium of art; technically it is "art".  My art opens a window into my soul, which you can peek in through now and again to see what I felt on this day, at this time.  

I write, for the purpose of writing, to express the thoughts that are significant, or most significant at this time, that I deem to be significant, and that is judged by the pain that I describe later in this blog.  

You see, everytime when I write in this blog, it hurts because of all the sad events that occur, that might occur, or will occur.  And in this diary, which I call, will soon be chalkful of painful memories, which I intend to leave in the dust behind me.  But what's ironic is that the writing here becomes permanent, and can never go away, much like the events that have occurred in my life.  It hurts to write a painful memory and so, it hurts to write in here because of the trigger that I know this is a book of pain, my pain.  

And the most significant part? It hurts the most to write in here, because I know I'm going to write about something sad, something that angers me, something that makes me confused, something that starts to chew away at myself and I start to lose a part of myself and I fall into an abyss of darkness (for imagery).  

And it becomes writing with my own blood.

The most strangest part? 

I write because it hurts, but at least it reminds me that I'm human.  I guess it's going to be impossible to have a reaction of... "oh no" when I tell you that I wrote something in my blog now.  Maybe... it didn't have to be this way, but it was, and it's not going to change.  

The thing on my mind that caused me to write this?  I can't think of another thing, other than the drama and sad songs that touch just the right chord and of course, silence.  

I just wish you told me.

I just wish you had told me that talking to her was such a big problem instead of just keeping it all inside, hoping that it would have gone away.  Why would you do such a thing to her and to me?  And I don't understand why you were so jealous of me, and you couldn't come talk to me.  This isn't mean girls where you just talk shit behind my back, but just I wished you just confronted me and say hey man, can you not talk to Diana so much? Of course, I would have asked why not and seeing as it bothered you so much.  Of course I would have not talked to her so much.  It may have been over the top for you and for that I'm sorry, but we BOTH figured that you were long gone; you weren't apart of her life so much anymore, and i'm not saying that I replaced you, although that is probably how you thought of it to be.  But why did you stand so idle?  I still wonder.  

It was also the first time we really had an argument over a girl.  I thought this would never happen to me in my life, but what's strange is that I don't even like her and likewise for her.  I just understand it's in her nature to act super nice and that makes her so nice to be around and to hang out, and there are also fallacies to that such as leading someone on, but I understand completely.  

One other thing I don't understand.  You were jealous, but how and why did that happen?  Was it because.. it all started with a neglected phone call?  And the problems started to arise?  A flame needs it's wood to stay alive, otherwise it would smolder and then die, remember that.  And then.. I stepped in to help? ; As a friend.  And from that moment on we also became the best of friends.  But what exactly did you do?  Nothing?  That's what I don't understand from you.  And then what, you became jealous that I helped her with the issues that you created?  And now you hate me for it?  Did you ever stop to think why I talk to her so much?  It's not because I like her but we're just good friends and it's because I can be there when she needs someone; at least I try my best?  

I understand you took a job at the cafeteria?  To pay off your College expenses? Sure lets say that, that you HAD to take a job.  Understandable. I wish I had one too since I'm less well off than you and that's fine, but look what you gave up.  You claim to be busy, and look at where that ended up.  And now you want her back?  What the hell do you want, then?  What will change?  And if you knew that the job will interfere with your relationship, talk to her.  It may hurt, but why are you just not talking and just wondering what will become?  If you didn't have enough time, then isn't it understandable to end a relationship with good reason?  Rather than, to act like you disappeared, without a trace, without knowing why?

I don't understand you, and I don't know if I ever will now.  I know I didn't deserve the bitterness, but I'm here aren't I?  And lastly, it was worth it to be here because I changed your life, in fact, both of your lives.  

Do you remember the post from Oct 29?  Truthfully, I wasn't really homesick.  It was very much like the homesick feeling, and technically it was, but it was triggered by you because things just weren't the same anymore.  You acted like I wasn't there, and when I saw you again at Panda Express?  There wasn't a sign of any friendliness, it was all so neutral.  And you made me feel homesick, because I missed how we used to be.  And suddenly I didn't feel like playing badminton anymore and so I left.  

I'm sorry that I had to keep this from you, and that I didn't tell you what was going on between him and me.  

You be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, and I'll be the wings that keep your heart in the clouds.

Unexpected

It was very unexpected today, that you were so happy.  Maybe unexpected isn't the right word, but I was really surprised, like you were surprised that there was 1440% vitamin C in my Jamba Juice lol :D  And I wouldn't say that you being happy is a bad thing, because you being happy made me really happy too.  What's significant is, I'm not quite sure, that you are so capable of being happy that as a best friend, I would never be able to keep up with you.  What I mean is, I'm not sure if I'll be able to do the same.  Sure I can be happy, i'm not saying it's like "Oh hey, Hi." and leave it there, but man you just blew me away.  Don't worry, I really loved it :D and it really made my day a million times better ^_^.  I'm just worried that I'll never do the same to you, and to me it just somehow seems unfair and somehow, makes me an unworthy friend, which is taken to a very extreme level, which I know for a fact isn't true.  But it does make me feel bad, in a way.  Though please I want to say it again, don't get me wrong, I still loved it very much, :D and I hope you can keep smiling like that forever.  I'm just not sure if I'll be able to.