Have you looked in the mirror lately?

Wow really? Two days after I wrote that blog it came true. Unbelievable it really is. At first it was like oh wow no way is this really happening? Is this my dream? And it seemed silly because it was like I didn't know at first but at the same time I knew it was my dream. It had the same feeling and it resonated throughout my mind and hit so many emotions that it just made me recall over and over what I had thought about 2 days prior. It felt like my head was about to blow up.

I wrote down a few questions for myself.

Have you ever tried to find an old version of yourself because you've realized you've changed?
Have you tried to throw yourself into the past by watching old videos, listen go to old music that made you feel nostalgic, or talk to old friends and possibly exes?
Have you ever found yourself to be lost and couldn't find yourself anymore and somewhat like you couldn't find your way home?
(Like going to the army, coming back after a war, but it was like you never came back)?

I think you can't go back. My reason and analogies will be as follows. My reason being we change and we adept to new situations, never old situations. We constantly thrive and continue to drastically improve our minds and our lives from present to future. We "flow" only in one direction from present to future. There is no route back to the past. You can't change yourself because you grow. Just like you can't honestly be your 4 year old self. You only have your own impression and memories of being one.
Likewise my analogy that I like. A lot. Think of an empty palette, devoid of colors. You are the palette, age 0. Life, full of colors, decide to shape you and mold you into a color of your choosing. Sometimes you pick your colors, sometimes you can't. Anyway te point is you start off with a drop of one color, an experience an relationship, a love life, a new friend, anything. It is one color. And it comes in quantity, saturation, hue, vibrancy, and thickness whatever you name it. You have now have this color. Congratulations, you are born. You have taken your first breath, your first cry you know what it is to be a baby. You mix in more colors, white, orange, pink, blue... you are now age 1. You mix and you mix and you mix them all up until you get a different color, mixtures of all different colors with different amounts and quantities. See what i'm doing here? My past self, age 18 starting college. Mixture of colors. Present, age 20, mixture of different colors. It includes my old colors, but my new color that is me is different. can I go back to my old color? Sureee I suppose but, will I be those same colors? No because I have more amounts of colors. I have more experiences, relationships, love lifes, etc. I cannot go back to the past to reclaim my former self. It's impossible. My future self will have even more colors than now.

That pretty much hits the nail on all those questions except for the first.
Have I thrown myself in to the past? Yes of course I have. And I did so in search of my old self to find my old colors. And I partially did. Did I get it though? I wouldn't say I was successful, but it was good enough for the time being.

Did I find myself lost and could I find myself back? Yes and no. THere are new parts of me that I think that I have lost and I can't find myself back home just because I've forgotten how. That's what life does to you. You change and sometimes you can't remember. Example? Be a 3 year old, 4 year old kid. Do you honestly remember?

Now the first question. Have I tried to find myself? Yes why? because I didn't like the present and the only thing I could change was myself. I can't change others and I can't change life. I was taught that if I wanted to change something, the changes start with myself and the rest will follow because my change will affect those around me. Maybe I'll make a difference that way.

And that's what I thought and it's what I continue to believe today. What do I want to change? Well my dreams of course. When they come true, I get scared because I dont' want them to come true. I don't want to be left behind as a ghost or a mobile tree. I want to live damnit and I want to live with the people I know best and care about the most. It's as if I died, and I was a ghost watching them just like today when they were watching Up. I can see them but it was different. Skype is different, because i'm not in the same room because they can't see me. They can't tell how uncomfortable it is for me to just watch. I've been waiting a whole quarter to catch up with these two and at the chance i have all I end up doing is watching them watch a movie? Are you kidding me? Okay that's not how it really happened. I talked to them, I got a feel how hard their quarter was and it was extremely hard. And that was awesome. And I'm glad we got to catch up that way.

And yet I left with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I've looked in the mirror, and you can't tell but I know my colors have changed again. Do I want to find my old self again though? I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I even need to.

recognition

I had a bad dream last night. I woke up in the morning all groggy thinking what happened there? I half wish that I wrote about it in the morning, but actually I wished that I just hadn't dreamed about it at all. It leads to the question of are we even friends? Am I living without you now? Two very simple questions with nothing substantial in the question itself, but the meaning and the story it has behind this question... that's what matters to me.

This was a strange dream, there were no huge events. Just emotion and feeling. Literally only one or two things happened. It goes like this. Diana Lester and I wake up in the same room in different beds. It's in the morning, maybe we're all living together. They're not dating and I'm not dating. We're just like roommates. Strangely enough, I am a ghost, but i'm not really a ghost, but I appear to be one. Why? Because I am ignored, but I am not hated. I am simply not heard, not recognized but they move around me as if I were a mobile tree.

And... that's it. That is all I can remember, but what I wanted to remember the most was my response, and how I felt in this situation. This leads me to my questions...Actually the first question, not so significant but it is obviously the common sense question. It would be the first thing to ask. In this case, there is no answer for this question just yet. I just wanted to explore the second question. Taken quite literally, I am living with them, but I am not living with them because I have no recognition. And to me,

To have no recognition is to not live.

But I am “living” per se. I am breathing, I can see, I can feel, I am part of “reality”. It feels like I am part of the world, or rather my world. It got me thinking when I woke up. Now generally I don't hang out with either of those two very much. And it will be less frequent in the upcoming year. So far I am only going back for 2 weeks for christmas break whereas they are already home. Furthermore, Diana is at Stanford working and so we cant exactly hang out during the weekday. And the times she's off, we will be with our families, or at least I plan to be. In this way it makes me think, is she losing me, is he losing me? Or is it that I am losing them? My winter break is shortened, I'm not quite sure if I'll be coming back for spring break and my summer vacation is only 2 weeks. How will I find time for them? I haven't even talked to Diana or Lester too much this quarter. I haven't really been updated by Diana either. I sent her a text during finals week saying we should catch up but she never goes online anymore. It's too hard by text to catch up. Am I expected to call her? Am I expected to call him?

Am I the Felix now...?

I don't even know if Diana and I are really good friends anymore. We may be busy but that's the problem. We've both learned to live without each other. And with that we've grown independent and we don't need each other. She hasn't exactly asked me for updates either. It seems so painful to text her and then ask her how are you doing, only to have her reply i'm good. At that moment in time, we are good. Do I know anything about her though? No. I don't. I really don't.

I don't even know if Lester and I are good friends anymore either. He disappeared last year because he was so insanely busy and now we have begun to live without each other as well. Here's the thing, we only have our digital copies for ourselves, online through facebook through aim. Sadly this is our form of communication. Our false communication. We won't post about our day, we won't explain what happened. We will just see a moment in our lives backed up with nothing. Pictures, blah, it's not even him in different places, doing different things. They're just pictures of him making faces.

Likewise they're just pictures of her with her new friends. They barely tell me anything. It's like i'm just stalking them through their digital lives. How pathetic.


Am I fortifying our friendship bonds with her, with him? No, I'm not. Is it even my fault? Possibly, but I chose to take up this job and it never required me to lose any of this. Who says taking up a job loses friendships? To fix this, we honestly just need to spend some quality time together, to ask questions, to be meaningful, to be important to one another. I don't think we are anymore. I dont think I am anymore.

Is this what I have to give up to become an adult? My dreams scare me.

Forgot...

Now that this quarter is finally OVER. I feel like I can somewhat relax and focus on my life a bit more, like evaluate it. What I mean by that is to step back from all this business I was thrown into this quarter and just kinda think what were some good and bad times that I've had. Mostly trying to pin point any kind of drama or anything.

And the reason I focus on drama is because that brings out my character. It brings out who I am and how I deal with certain situations, and I feel as if I talk about them, I can have a better understanding of myself. Rather than thinking it through I feel as if writing it through gives me a better idea how to have a different approach on the same situation given the same situation.

Two main or rather, three, actually no, two big ones, one small issue that i've come across this quarter. I'll start with the first issue, but before that a slight introduction.

I'm living with girls. This isn't and shouldn't be a surprise. They're both two wonderful roommates, Debby and Steph, or Steph and Debby, take your pick. I chose to live with girls this year for two main reasons. The first and biggest reason why was because I wanted to see how living with girls is different from living with guys. Girls are well girls and guys are like me. There's a isn't noticeable difference between the two, and I say this because you would think so, but in terms of living, there honestly isn't too big of a difference. I'm an only child, so I don't know what's it's like to have a sister or a brother, but I'm sure that those who have siblings, know that having a brother or sister doesn't bring too much of a change. They live like you. So messiness, check. The biggest difference I think is just how they think and how they act differently from guys.

This brings me to my next point. Gossip. I'm not a fan of gossiping and neither is Steph and we get a long that much better. On the other hand, Debby gossips a bit more. I'm not saying this is bad, but it is different. My friends in high school usually don't gossip and the guys I lived with last year and the year before that didn't even gossip. In fact I don't really even like gossiping because one it's none of my business and two I don't really care. There isn't too much to say about this other than it's different because it seems to be an extremely interesting thing to some girls. *not only Debby*

I'm getting closer to my point... really. When girls get their period... that's an interesting time as well as well as how much freakin toilet paper girls use compared to me and all the guys I know and lived with. Not to say that they just a horrendous amount, but I'm not used to going through a toilet roll within a week to a week and a half. I think last year it takes about a month to go through that. I mean obviously we only use it when we take a crap. Now associated with periods are emotional fluctuations which I can't even tell if girls are on their period or not. This actually kind of bothers me, just because there are some actions from girls when they're on their period that just screams "bitch" like the girls who live below us. But if I had known they were on their period I might take it a little less negatively. I don't know girls are weird and they do some crazy things when you don't expect it D: and I want to blame it on the period but that makes me look like a douche.

Getting on the point, there was one time when Debby didn't do too well in school and had a big argument with her parents. And she also told everyone (steph and I) that she was on her period. And I was like oh. I guess that's why she's so emotional right now? Man I don't know how I'm going to tell... Anyway this brings a lot of drama becuse her parents then decide to come down for Thanksgiving break. Extremely awkward because they get here on Weds night and then it's okay... but then on Friday morning I get a rude awakening to a lot of yelling at 830 am in the morning. Lots of argumenting stomping and shit going down ensues and her parents leave. Now they drive down from norcal... just 2 days ago and now leaving friday morning. An extremely short stay, but pretty much I don't want to get too into this because this is gossiping. But pretty much I had to console her about life and parents and future actions and money, hope, strength etc. It was a painful because Debby and I aren't really close but come on she's really hurting here. I can't sit in my room while she's in her bed sobbing. This is all due to her parents and how they treat her. I later learn other things but I don't want to get into that.

Anyway this kinda has an effect on me just because I realize how I'm treated by mom and it's extremely chill compared to Debby's. I mean I got a freakin F on my last programming assignment that I spent LITERALLY over 35 hours in. I started the week before and every single fucking day I would program for 3-10 hours. And to get an F on something you worked so hard on in the last week is fucking bullshit because 35 hours is almost the same amount of time you would spend doing a full time job. And I had to go to school and work at the same time. So jesus that was an extremely painful week. Still kinda bitter but I'll deal. Anyway my mom's reaction to this was what you got an F! and I was like yeah i'm pretty pissed, but I told her various reasons on how I got that F and how hard I worked on it and everything. Cause when she called on me I pretty much told her I was programming all the time. So she knows and to have her trust me is the golden part of our relationship. Contrast with Debby's parents where they don't believe her at all... and are so harsh on her when she tries to do her best in school and everything. I don't know it seems like she can't even live her life her own way and she's 20 already. Come on seriously? I think after high school you should be free to be and choose who you want to be already as corny as it sounds. And overall I'm just glad that my mom trusts me and treats me with respect as do I for her. I love my mom for that.

If theres ever one thing you take away from my blog here it is. When I was young, I used to do everything for my parents meaning grades. Get that A for my mom because she wanted me to. It felt like an order like a necessary requirement that if I didn't, I would be kicked out of the house and I remember my mom specifically saying that I would be out of the house if I ever got a B. And it scared the shit outta me. Later on in high school I still have that mentality but it was also when my mom started to change and realize that everything I do is getting that much harder and those expectations weren't realistic, but I kept onto them. Eventually I started to realize they were stupid expectations. And heres the kicker, at one point from high school I stopped doing it for my mom. I started to do everything for myself. I had dream and I had hopes. My mom had given me the opportunity to push me close enough so I can grab hold of my own dream and go on with it. Asian parentin is hell when you're a kid, but when you get older you realize how ahead of the pack you can bewith all that pushing and shoving. It's something that I agree and disagree with. Sometimes it can be extremely harsh but it's rewarding as well. Anyway, I had dreams to become a computer engineer and so I knew I had to get good grades in math and sciences and I thought I did. And now that i'm in college. I aspire myself to be a great computer engineer. I don't want B's in computer science or electrical engineering courses anymore. And I actually haven't noticed until college but my mom stopped pushing me. I think it was her way of telling me oh you got this now, you have your own determination to push yourself to get to where you want to be. I think she was telling me that without her in the beginning when I was young, there would be no way I would ever get here by myself. I needed my mom and now that I got here, I go wherever I want. I can do things for myself now, I can achieve grades for myself for my future where everything has a point and a purpose.

I could tell you all day what my mom has done for me and how she's awesome at it, but I'll leave it at that. I was going to write more, but I'll continue another time, this was just 1 major part out of the 2-3 that I had planned.

Hah I don't even remember the post below me anymore.. And reading it seemed really foreign. Did it really happen because it seems so foreign like a distant memory in the back of my head. Kinda like a dream. I guess it's just been a while since I blogged here.

And I've been really busy with school and work lately. So theres not a lot to complain about because there isn't too much drama. Maybe I get drama by just sitting around and doing nothing but think about dubious thoughts. And think that things are happening when they're really not. In any case... going to school has less drama than sitting at home doing nothing but playing computer games... Who would've thought?

Alice in Wonderland

I think I've narrowed it a bit down to what my problem is. I know I have to type this out tonight otherwise I'll risk another sleepless night because i'll be doing nothing but thinking about this the entire night and I want to try to think it all out here.

The problem started out everything started out 2 days ago when lester diana son and I went bowling. I remember lester said we were going to eat dinner. I assume all 4 of us which is cool because earlier in the day I'd hang out with carol and then later go bowling and eat with you guys and work on the puzzle after. Dude so down for that. It would provide hours of fun.. And then lester texted me when I was driving and said he wasn't going to dinner EITHER. Somehow more people are going to bail, son? Maybee Diana? Maybe... And then I asked you and you said no I'm eating at home. Well son and I are probably not eating so...crap. I had it all planned out and would've came back at around 8 to 9 but no I left around 615. And it's NOT either of your guy's fault. Which is why when you asked me today if it's something you did... er no? it's not like you told me you were going to. But this has also be bugging me a lot because it could've been your fault. And the reason is because I really do not like driving so far to hang out for such a small amount of time unless it was definitely needed like if we haven't seen each other in a long time and we could hang out for a few hours I'll drive down. That's totally fine. But you know we like vidchat and we talk regularly and we've bowled together and such. The thing is I could've also viewed it as hey it's the last time ii'll be seeing lester in a while. And for that I reason I would've gone. I didn't go for that reason. And I went to hang out and to eat and do the puzzle and that didn't happen. What's even MORE ridiculous is the fact that I felt SO crushed and like borderline depressed and just angry at myself for not preparing for this. And also angry how theres nothing I could do and also angry that I'm feeling angry and not being able to change my view to hey last time to see lester. Cause that's a reason to go and I would've gone. And I just felt super out of it and this is the most pathetic thing but I really felt depressed and when bowling was done i was like okay wow really I'm going home. That's it then. Honestly I think it's the fact that you guys don't come to my area to hang out and soo me coming down so often feels like you're taking it for granted. And it's also one of the reasons why I didn't want to go to lunch because I don't wanna stay there for an hour or two and then leave.

But really, theres nothing that could've changed. And on TOP of all that I came home and I was just dazed and when we vid chatted I was like okay at least we get to hang out some more. And that was fine until... I felt really tired. And then the next day my mom yelled at me because she couldn't really sleep and she was worrying about my health and she didn't want me to do it again. And I kinda wanted to talk to you about that but then you signed off. And I just felt really bad for my mom that I kept her up kinda and she can't sleep well when she knows that I'm not sleeping yet or when she worries about me. So I just become really conflicted on what I should do and what I want to do and then I just don't know what I want to do anymore. It's also been a really long while since my mom yelled at me so I got to think that what I'm doing is probably really bad and I shouldn't do it anymore. And It tied to that I wanted to talk to you and lester. I thought.. what am I doing? And I became really confused. So that whole night I just thought nonstop about everything I was like okay what happened. let's start from square one okay bowling, i felt sad. vid chat... okay I was super tired. Next day mom yells at me and man I just feel like shit again. And suddenly I felt like I was really depressed again and I was confused and lost and I didn't know what to do and then heres the thing that kept me all night. I felt the depression and then I linked that with my past. OH GOD. then soo many scenarios and omg so much thoughts and so much pain and so much ridiculousness just enters my mind. I stop thinking about that and now I can't stop myself from thinking. Now i'm thinking about the future and what I wanted to change what happened today and not let it happen again. And then I thought okay do I want to talk to them more? Should I set up something? Am I going to tell Diana about this? You know I should also tell her about some things in college like some drinking stuff so she is a little more prepared and plus I know shell be safe. When am I going to do that. And then I think about what am I going to saay and when i'm going to say it and now I'm thinking about when I drank my first time and how that ended up like crap and hm would Diana run if she got caught? OMG IT'S 3 AM CAN I JUST SLEEP NOW?!?! i'm sooo tired. sotp thoughts stop thoughts stop thoughts stop. And I finally fell asleep from sheer tiredness...like at 4 am.

And today typing this out I thought about it and my conclusion is this. I don't know what I want from life, from you, from people, from my mom. I just dont know. I feel lost and confused. What I want isn't what I usually get. Like I want to talk to you, but you have work tomorrow and you should sleep and plus you're tired. And I'm going to deal with it like i've always have. But you've also said that I could talk to you for things like this and I even remember had a 3 day rule when we had like 3 days to go hey what's up. Let's talk. And so I could drag you to aim and talk... it's what I want. It's what I always wanted but it makes me feel SO selfish and I become conflicted between should I want this... or not. Also I've always been REALLY scared that one day I'm just going to say Hey i really need to talk to you but you weren't online/available. And one daay I'm so afraid that you're just going to be like OMG YOU COMPLAIN SO MUCH and just kinda be angry at me when i'm like most vulnerable. And it worries me a lot because you don't complain to me anymore so to me it's not like a fair sided thing. I dont want to complain to you so much. But it also hurts when I want to tell you something but i'm not sure if I should. How much do you want to know about me? Honestly, What do I want?

EDIT: And you know, it also sucks because I don't want to admit it but I am incredibly insecure sometimes and that thinking rationally I know that you'd probably won't say that. And if you did, it won't be as bad as I imagine it to be and I'm supposed to TRUST you to tell me if something is bothering you. The reason why I didn't want to tell you in the first place about the whole bowling thing is because I know that it was a small thing that lead to a bigger thing and telling you about the small thing doesn't really cover for everything. And what confused me the most was how and why this bowling incident could lead to such a big thing for me. And I still don't know why. Maybe it's because a lot of bad things started happening at once and I didn't know what to do and I couldn't control it and I just became kinda scared. I just wish maybe that I could somehow get through these kinds of situations without making such a big deal out of it cause it's really stupid. And it's why I was hesitant to write it out. Maybe my future me can read this and say hey I know what it's like and now I can get through this.

Theres a lot that happened.
1. Bowling incident with the conclusion that I don't want to drive long distances to hang out for a short time.
2. My mom yells at me and sends me down a flurry of continuous thoughts. Conclusion, bad thoughts lead to more bad thoughts.
3. What do I want from my life? Sometimes I still don't know.

And the quote of the day from Alice in Wonderland:

“One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter.

Unmotivated

I think lately I've been feeling lonely and a bit unimportant. I feel like i'm not really wanted or needed for something like significant that is. This has to do a lot with the fact that I've been doing nothing lately and it's definitely been taking its toll on me. The only really thing I've been doing is playing cs playing piano and watching youtube videos. Holy crap can my life any more boring? I know it's probably my fault but I don't know what i'm going to do. I had a plan to program and continue on with my rpg project but I stopped 2-3 weeks into it and I stopped around the beginning of July. It's almost September now so I'm long overdue. I just don't feel motivated to work on the project and I dont feel motivated in general. I just don't feel needed. I worked long and hard on the rpg project for Diana and it was because it was for her birthday as a present. Now that it's passed I'm not sure who I"m working it for. I want to say it can be for myself but I dont have the motivation to do it. I can surf the internet but I don't even feel like doing that. I can read some news and things that are interesting but I don't want to do that either. I just end up skimming the article and not even remembering what I just read.

I've also noticed that I'm feeling a bit lonely adding to my unwanted feeling. It feels off though because I do hang out with people every week and in fact I'm going to hang out tomorrow with Lester and Diana and that'll be cool and maybe this weekend with Pedro. And all I want tonight was to just talk to someone and just have like a conversation that'll be interesting. It failed with someone to be honest lol which was like a slap in the face for me. But that's okay I don't realllyyy take it to heart but I kinda do. Eh in defense, I didn't make it sound super important. Whatever I won't think much of it. I think I also kinda miss talking to Diana, just a bit. Man stop being bussyy :P

Edit: hey! You're the best :D

Anger

I am so angry right now that it feels like my body and my entire soul is being consumed by hatred. I hope the motherfucker that did this to me today gets whatever is coming to him through karma and boy I hope it's a lot worse than this.

Talk

Sometimes I just want to sit in my bed, listen to some instrumental music and talk. It's a very strange concept because it's not exactly talking to a person, but rather communication through my head like telepathy. I think the reason is because talking through speech involves a grammatical check for the other person to understand and the ideas and emotion just stay for a split second and then they're gone and they're jumbled and confused. It's why people say blah, but that doesn't tell me anything. I want to be able to just talk willingly, randomly, and quickly without making much sense but overall it makes sense to me. So if you do see a post and you read it and you don't know what's going on, you know why.

If I were to do this to someone, it can't just be anybody. It has to be someone who I deeply deeply trust, someone I can throw myself onto in an emotional way. I think of it as an exercise to deepen a bond between people. It can't be between any guy I know because I just can't seem to express the same things to a guy. It can't be a any girl either but it has to be a girl and theres only one girl who comes to mind, but she can't fulfill that role either. What I'm looking for is someone that's kinda close to a girlfriend, but I'm a little reluctant because I don't know what's going to happen. I surely hope I trust her but the problem is I don't want to tell her everything.

Theres quite a few secrets and thoughts that everybody harbors that isnt going to be released to friends, best friends, family, boyfriends/girlfriends, wife/husband. I get that. I want someone who I can tell something that isn't going to be able to take in everything and worry. In a way this person shouldn't be my girlfriend really. See it's hard because what I would say are just random tidbits and thoughts in my head that wouldn't exist at all if I were to say to another human being because it's not how I interact. It's an interaction between myself and my thoughts and sometimes they can be very confusing and strange. Sometimes they don't have to be confusing at all.

Honestly, I think only this blog deserves to be the "person" I am willing to talk to. But the problem is, you readers shouldn't or can't read it. But who knows, occasionally I'll post them.

Heres an example of what i'm trying to do. You know the movie "The Ring"? Well in the japanese version there is this scene where the little girl is sitting on the beach and she's staring out into the ocean very creepily murmuring an alien language. It's creepier than I describe it so you should actually watch the movie (if you dare). Actually don't do it. But anyway everything I feel seems to parallel that scene that I'm trying to communicate my emotions and thoughts in a way that isn't comprehensible. Human language is structured, so that some part of my brain has to try and reconfigure my thoughts and emotions and turn them into comprehensible words of logical explanations. That's the problem. I'm trying to transcend this by just talking and probably typing down what I'm thinking, what i'm feeling without restrictions and it's just extremely hard to do. Once I try to start typing everything seems lost and all my brain power is focused onto "How do I say what I feel" Instead, what I want to do is to just express how I feel in a different way without grammar and without bounds. It's extremely hard and also in a way frightenly scary because my thoughts can sometimes consist of morbidness and loneliness and sometimes it just eats away at me. But it isn't always like this. Most of the times I have normal thoughts. For example I've been pondering the thought, "In the pursuit of love" but sadly I don't know what I was thinking of... all I can recall is that thought and any attempt to recreate this thought or reexplain it is just fake and I'm probably 99% sure I'm making this up. It isn't the pure thought I've had, it's just a small leftover influence that will guide my ramblings... starting with the question "What is love" See that? Too much logic. Typing it out probably won't work. I can only have these thoughts in my head influence my words which will be bounded by grammar and everything else will just be a conception and image of what I was truly harboring.

Yellowcard

Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend.

Well that happened. In fact, twice. Glad to have them back.

Your Hand in Mine

I think holding hands is one of the most important physical touches you can have with someone. I think its strange and odd how if you have two of the same hands and you interlace them together, they fit so perfectly and when closed it's like hands were meant to hold the other. I don't know about you but I really enjoyed holding hands with Tina and I always did it a specific way and what's really unique I think, is that when you hold hands, it's like an automated process. The moment that I touched her hand, she already knew what i was going to do and she would act accordingly without even thinking. It was and felt literally like magic. And everything just happens within a second. Hand touch to hands locked. Also whenever holding hands, they always feel so warm probably the increased blood flow because I'm holding her hands signifying that I am attracted to her and the increased flow is a result of a physical and intimate touch.

Actually to be honest hugging and kissing maay be a little bit better, but in terms of what is more socially allowed in public, holding hands is the best thing you can get without people thinking "GET A DAMN ROOM!" which is amusing since it did happen to me and wasn't that bad actually.

Hand holding I think also displays what kind of emotion the holder has. Whether it's a harsh or firm or soft or gentle. Could be really any kind of message or all of them whether it's a I like you, I'll give you hope, I'll protect you, I'll complete you, I'll hold you close I'll keep you warm... It's a hard thing to describe really, it should rather be felt and to be explained.

Dysfunctional

My life becomes pretty dysfunctional when I get mad over something really stupid but I get so defensive it's ridiculous. And it just throws me into a spiral of doubts and ifs and why I am the way I am. It's like... an ocean slowly, but surely hitting the rocks and taking a small bit of it away.

Sometimes I don't like the way I am. I'm so critical about everything and if I am about something I just can't seem to let it go until my point is rock solid proven. And if I wasn't, then i'm just really bitter about everything after that. I don't even know who's fault it reallly was, but I keep seeing it as not my own. Granted I admit it was more of an overreaction on my part, but the comment was not needed, it definitely rubbed me the wrong way.

It just doesn't make sense. And the only explanation I can think of is, the way I am is from the monumental collection of experiences over my life. Nobody has a perfect life from the beginning. I am no different. There are only those who were better off than I.

Colors Utada Hikaru

Man this song has so much feeling and emotion. It is definitely one of my faves and the live version is the best.

I worry about the image reflected in the mirror
And in no time at all, I've picked up speed
When you're told you can go anywhere you want
Then your wishes are half-hearted and even the signposts are grey
You paint the lights, the dreams you're having tonight
Hasn't your brush dried up yet?
If you can't see the blue sky, put up a blue umbrella
That'll do right? The canvas is yours
A white flag is something you only hold up when you've given up
Now I'm waving a red flag, like a matador

The colors faded under the fluorescent lights
And on that black and white chess board, I met you
We hesitated for a moment and then snuggled together
It's been a month then, do you remember?
Just watching the orange sunset by your side was enough for me
But the mouth causes catastrophes
Black clothes are something you only wear when you're praying for the dead
I've deliberately left bright red traces of blusher on
If you say the only pictures you can paint now are dreamless
Then paint i out on the canvas, as many times as it takes
A white flag is something you only hold up when you've given up
Now I am a color you don't know

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xeC57kip0Q&feature=related

*Hug* Cause you need one

I can't imagine how much hurt and pain and just sadness you're in, for the past 2 weeks. I'm really sorry you didn't get into some/most ivy league schools that you wanted to go for. You must feel like completely crap >< and that's really understandable. You slave and work and sweat and homework and slave some more over everything you do like homework and work and friends and drama and that dreadful B+ in calc. And you ask yourself if I could do better. I am 1000000% positive that you gave it your best and nobody could ever realize that just that small bit of more effort would've gotten you into this school, you realize if everybody knew their future and consequences everybody would have a great life. My point is, you tried your best, you tried your hardest and beyond submitting the apps, there was nothing you can do anymore. It was like letting a small bird leave the nest and it was time to fly. You must've thought of all the mistakes you made and all the things you did wrong and all the things you could've improved on to make it and how your best wasn't your best and your best just wasn't good enough. Please, you're not that bad as you think you are. In fact you're not bad at all. You're the best of the best even if you say you aren't. I think that people just don't see it and it's impossible to judge someone through just plain words. This will go down as the day that some Ivy league schools have LOST a great student and a great person to their academia.

Lyrics

What a fantastic lyric line,
"I want the power to accept the thing I can't change and change the thing I can't accept."

Resemblance

I've always been told by my mom that I take more after her like looks. Today I realized that not only do I take after her looks, but almost everything about her.

Letter

There often have been times when I ask myself the question, "What did I just do?" or "Why did I just say that?". I can honestly say that I don't know to those questions, but that I have been asking those same questions over and over again. Lately I have come up with a few reasons why I can act like a real asshole to you. Let me rewind back to when I was a child.

Ever since I started school, grades have been extremely important. I remember that grades weren't for myself, and they were for my mom and my step-dad. Being raised in dominant asian family with core asian values is, I think, extremely tough. I remember I would also work my butt of for every single homework assignment, study for all tests for that A. The great thing was that it was all doable and achievable. I remember I used to cry if I got a B or lower. Even B+ were just marginally acceptable by my parents at the time. I mean all I was doing was simple math, a few long divisions, multiplication and subtraction all throughout grade school. It was never hard, but it was just tedious. I believe that having something that is just tedious in the way of getting an A shows that I was just lazy or careless in my mistakes. However, a difficult subject was a different matter, but for the time being everything was within my abilities to accomplish and pass with flying colors with a stamp of approval that was an A. And the sad part is, I don't even remember my parents ever telling me that I was doing super well or awesome for fear that I would start slacking off. I remember that the only one time my parents I did extremely well in school was when I studied very hard and I didn't take care of myself and I ended up getting sick with a flu, and to make me feel better they said I was doing a fantastic job in school and it made me really happy. Getting an A back then, was nothing more than a smile and a simple good job, or keep it up. Getting a B+ was a, "I know you can do better than this" even though the reason why I didn't get that A was because of a hard problem that I didn't quite understand or that I had forgot how to spell a word or I forgot the capital of a certain state. Anything under a B and I knew I would get a huge lecture and I was so so scared of getting anything lower than a B. Literally, that fear drove me to always get A's and to never give up.

Fast forward to Junior high school. Things start to get a little bit harder with things I don't exactly know. Still, getting an A in everything was still my parents goal and I desperately wanted to achieve it. As work piled and took longer to finish, I upped my intensity to finish it. I was more determined than ever to finish any homework assignment, to get the highest score on any test. I remember in 7th grade I got the highest score consistently next to my Japanese friend, Tatsuya. He and I were competing with each other to get the highest overall grade in the class. At the end of the year he beat me, sadly only on extra credit and those problems were just really hard. Still there was one memorable moment that I remember. The teacher announced the results of the past exam and said the highest score of this test was 109.5 and it was Steven Fong. Congratulations Steven Fong. Tatsuya got a 108, missed it by that much. I ended the class with a 104.5 or something, definitely an A+ in the class. There was actually one class in 8th grade that gave me much difficulty. US History taught by Mr. Hayman. This class was especially tough because the tests were just so incredibly hard. It was a multiple-multiple choice test. Meaning it was a multiple choice problem, A, B, C, D, E and in addition, there was usually more than one answer to the question. And the answers were phrased so tricky that reading the book wouldn't give you all the answers. Reading your notes wouldn't have given you all the anwers. It was more like an SAT test with questions like, What would Madison do if this happened... It was crazy. It was the first time that my overall grade was a C. I didn't cry, but I was extremely upset and bitter. Even my step-dad helped me and when we did our test together, when we weren't supposed to we still ended up with a C on the test. It was ridiculous.

Fast forward to high school. During this time, I finally realized that I would get the grade for myself, and not for my parents anymore. I knew that however hard I worked, the results would show and I continued to believe that through out high school. STill, my grades stayed consistently high and I never really did get a C in any class again; I only got B's and A's, mainly A's.

Now that you're caught up with my academic life, heres the thing. You and I both value that if we say we would do something we would do it because we gave our word and we are both men of our words. The problem is that I don't like hypocrites and I'm sure you don't like them either. If I ever was a hypocrite and I'm sure I was many times, you can or rather you should call me out on it. Although I may be upset, I would realize later that it's better to know then to be ignorant. Anyway I dont like hypocrites. Another big reason, what I thought of was related to how I was raised, hence why I told you my academic history. See my mom never really congratulated me on my academic achievements very much. I knew she was proud of me, but she was very scared that once she told me I was doing awesome, I would start to slack off and lose it. And so for many cases a B+ was never good enough although I would try with every ounce of my strength to get that A, it just wasn't good enough and it shattered me knowing that I wasn't good enough and I would be sad for a bit, but I would always bounce back and just try harder. See, I'm applying the same theory that my mom did to me to you, subconsciously. Although it doesn't work, I do it anyway because it's really how I was raised as a kid. If I tell you that you didn't finish this or something and I remind you that you did poorly on something, it's not that I want to belittle you, but to make you remember that awful feeling of failure so you can rise up, prove me wrong and get that A. See my logic, or just the logic in general that is instilled in many asian families is that if you get put down, it's really saying do better. And that's really what my whole life was about, never settling for that B+ and getting that A no matter what. I put you down because I want you to do better. I'm sorry that it's been doing the reverse effect. You really have been trying really hard this quarter and I respect that. Really, why I wrote you this long letter was because I wanted you to know honestly why I'm being an asshole, and putting you down to make you feel bad isn't my intention, but for you to try even harder to make sure it just never happens again.

The Truth About Black and Blue

Jacked this from xanga post

We've all been in that place at some point, right? You know what I'm taking about. Watching that friend hurt inside because of someone else's poison. Truth is, you can never go to a place where someone wouldn't try to harm you. Wether it's physical, or emotional. That's the sad truth.

The person you care about whether he/she is usually careful, and mature about most things, still can fall into the dark trap. And the person who's doing the poisoning could be anyone. A mutual friend, family member, lover, whatever. The most common mistake people make when trying to save their friend from the blackness is: Getting too involved.

In this situation, you should never ever try to steer your friend away from who's manipulating them. Or confront the black hearted person. This gives the manipulator more ways to poison your friend by driving a deep rift between you two. As harsh as it sounds, the only thing you can do is watch and wait. Yeah, your friend is hurting, yeah, their normal glow is fading into a deep blue color, but the more you stand by, almost idly, the more your precious friend will lean on you for support.

Don't give them advice, just listen to them. And there will come a time when your friend is no longer just blue, but starting to turn black inside. At this time, you should embrace your friend all that you can, but still maintain that distance. Usually, over time, the black will slowly start to fade, and your friend will see the light, and realize the poison that's been brewing inside them.

Get a big box of kleenex, and prepare to wipe away some tears. Because although your friend's seen the light, they will still need some serious comforting. It's cliche, I know. But patience, and kindness to both people involved, the black hearted, and the blue soul is crucial.

You really can kill with kindness.

And a quote from the OP.

"I don't see people as good or bad, they do good things, and they do bad things. The simple fact is people can be cruel, because it's their choice, their free will to judge. You can either continue the cycle of hate, or fall silent, and walk away. If you're working hard, then you are doing your best. I learned the hard way not to feel guilt or pain just because of someone else's opinion. Unfortunately, strength isn't something you learn. It's something that's inside you, that you have to awaken on your own."

Thank you OP, you made my week.

What am I doing to myself?

Spring makes me Nostalgic

The days that are continuously warm after a string of cold days makes me really nostalgic. This past weekend has been really nice. Super sunny at 76 degrees all around and it was the first time since Fall quarter that I could go to class with a t-shirt and possibly shorts if I wanted to. This weather really makes me nostalgic and even more so because I saw a lot of high school friends that I wouldn't normally see unless it was break.

I had a dream last night and it was that Tina and Felix visited school, which is weird because he goes here haha, but in my dream he didn't go here. It was nice to see him and Tina again because it really was like old times with old... selves. I miss our high school days. I miss hanging out with Andrea and going to library together after school to study for a bit and then waiting until my mom came. That was really nice of her. I'm really glad I got to come up to Irvine to visit her and everybody else. I'm sorry I'm not really naming anybody else here except her because if it wasn't for her, I'd probably not visit. And it doesn't mean that everybody in Irvine that I visited isn't that special, you are all special, but the only reason why I specifically went for her was because of my nostalgia feeling.

I remember back in the summer of 8th grade going onto 9th grade. It was one of the best and worst times I've had in my life, but let's focus on the great times. I had become really close friends with Pedro and Andrea. Andrea because somehow, she was the connection that I had made and then I got to know everybody in the circle of her friends and later became my friends in high school and also because she was literally my first great friend that wasn't a boy. At the time, I thought it was so super interesting to be able to talk to a beautiful girl and not be nervous, only because I was very very VERY shy around girls at the time, but not somehow, not her. Pedro because well we're pretty much brothers and we continually hung out in the summer almost I'd like to say everyday although it probably wasn't. But it was extremely frequent and it was the best.

You know what's crazy though? That nostalgia feeling first occurred to me 6 years ago. Can you believe it? 6 years... 4 years in high school and 2nd year in college. It's crazy isn't it? How that time passed, how many memories we've accumulated over the years, the time that we've spent with our best friends. Think back... 6 years ago. What did you do? Think back to a time when you were with the bestest of your friends and you had a nostalgia feeling like mine and you would just hang out with them, and it was special to me because it was the transition of my independence.

The nostalgia feeling is most defined when we all decided to go to verde together and hang out as a group of friends. We'd go to Maivy's house, play a little bit of Halo, perhaps Monopoly, wait for more people to show up. Walk to the Cal train station under the hot blistering heat of the sun. Wait for the cal train to come, get on it and take it to mountain view downtown, just one stop from where we were. Get out and walk to verde. And I remember their old chicken and pmt. Their old bags too.. it was white with a blue ship on it and oh man the chicken back then was incredibly oily but super tasty. Also the inside of the building was super super GREEN and had small tables and chairs.

And back to nostalgia... I felt most nostalgic on one special point, before I would walk to Maivy's because we literally lived right next to each other, maybe an 1/8th of a mile. Our complexes were just big but otherwise we were right there next ot each other. And I remember I would walk outside and I would feel a reallly warm summer breeze and there would be leaves on the ground and I would just walk down the stairs really really slowly and just take all the warm breeze in and just stand there thinking it would be an awesome great day. And when I came back, I walked up the steps, turned around and looked at the changing sun from a bright light to a more mellow and soft yellow-orange thinking, today, I made a lot of great memories and it was incredibly fun. I hope I can always do this.

And it hit me because it was that time of the year again of nostalgia and it made me think of that moment, I felt that warm breeze when I went to visit everybody on Saturday and I got to see an old face, and how it was the same face, in a way, 6 years later.

Throwing a paper airplane

Sometimes... I think it's better to not think about it, let it go and just accept what happens. This reminds me of a scene from A Moment With You. Go to a bridge with water underneath, write something on a piece of paper that's bothering you or something you want to do, fold that piece of paper into an airplane and throw.

"Don't get irritated at trivial things"

It was well needed, Thank you

Over the past few weeks I have been edgy with you. And I realize that it was all from just one main thing and that was how we view our own situations differently. I viewed them as something of like a commitment and an obligation and obviously, that wasn't fair to you and it's true. You are right, you should never be obligated to talk to me and I'm sorry that I made you feel that way as that can be extremely annoying if I was on the receiving end and there would be times when I'm just not in the mood. To be honest, I actually did go over this possibly in my head. I thought, "Am I asking too much? Am I overreacting? Am I... demanding more than I should? Am I taking it too far?" Those questions were filled with both yes's and no's. No's because I highly hold myself to things I say I would do because of the way I view things. And Yes's because it really was just talking and nothing like super required like you said. Still I felt somewhat annoyed and I just thought it'd be best if I'd let you know and maybe in the same process you could tell me how you felt about it and there would be some kind of compromise or something.

I think one reason why I was acting all stupid was well my viewpoint obviously, but I want to tell you one thing that lead me to believe this viewpoint and follow by it with everything that I am. A long time ago when my parents were still married (my step-dad and mom). My mom was sick and she rarely gets sick and so when she does it's pretty bad and her fever was rising and it was pretty high like 103 or something. And I remember that you'd have to go to hospital if it was 104 and above cause that's kind of dangerous. I remember something like 107 to 108 and you're dead. So my step dad and I were both getting pretty worried and we didnt have any drug medications like tylenol. And I remember that my step dad went to the store longs drugs but didn't bring cash cause he was so frantic and so he just drove there without any money and he came back with medicine. I asked him how he did it and he told me that he gave his word to the clerk that he would pay him back the next day or something and that he really needed it for my mom. He told me in a extremely firm tone that If anyone gives his/her word to someone then you best follow it and do it otherwise you are literally nothing and you aren't worth their time or something like that. I really took that to heart and I still remember that day very clearly because I was in my room and he came in and told me that.

So back to where we are. Perhaps I felt like you were giving me your word, and I don't take it so seriously that you are nothing, it's just a hypothesis as to why I was annoyed by it. Another reason may have been that since we didn't hang out, every other chance to hang out became more and more important to me, but of course that's how I view things.

But you were right. You were so right. I am at fault also because this was the second time that I've had the talk of obligations. Maybe somehow I get egotistical or something and feel like I am special when really, I am just a friend. And I should not take up more time than what I am. I felt really bad when you said to me that you only hung out with your best friend only once since the quarter started. And actually i've seen you around a lot, well compared to once and I feel selfish for that. I'm sorry for that.

Overall though, In the grand scheme of things, I also have to say Thank you. You changed on how I look at things and that I really shouldn't take things at face value for more trivial things like hanging out. Although I am still adjusting and I don't know what to think or what to expect when we plan stuff, I know I shouldn't be too angry or at all if you decide to cancel on me. If you do, I know out of the goodness in your heart that you would feel bad and from that I feel like you'd maybe make more of an effort, but what's different is that I shouldn't expect that you are doing that. That's the important change I'm going to make. Thank you.

With that said, I'm going to leave you all with my most cherished and favorite spot in La Jolla, the Cove. ^_^

Break the Silence

Let the silence be broken by you. See post...

http://stevenfongrevolution.blogspot.com/2008/09/and-then-there-are-times-when-we-have.html

Honesty

Please, I want you to appreciate this honesty. I want to tell you a lot of things that made me quite angry and frustrated. All I want is your understanding and also how much as much as it hurts me as well as you for me to say this.

Starting from square one, I'd have to say that we've been trying to plan this catching up ordeal for a super super long time. Today could've been the day or at least I thought it could've been. There were times when I had to bail on you too like Weds when I was busy with my things. When you say you were busy with apps, Oh I understand, I really do. School for you comes before well almost anything and I respect that. You want to get places and that's cool; I'm proud of you for having such high determination and perseverance. What I guess makes me reallly angry is that when you are done with everything, and we still set a time for something to catch up on, somehow it just doesn't happen and I just don't know why now. I remember that we were going to catch up during winter break or something it was supposed to be on a friday is all I can remember now, and that didn't happen. I mean it's cool that you want to hang out with your brother and go to New York, that sounds super exciting and fun and I don't exactly mind too much either, but I just really wanted to talk to you. It's just hard because you said a while ago that if I ever wanted to talk to you, to just call you and we could just talk. Well in pure honestly I have to say yeah fucking right. We don't. You're just still going to be busy and well it just won't work out, it never really will...

And also another thing you always say that we have plenty of time or just time in general to either hang out or talk or catch up and well for that we really don't. Like I honestly thing we don't have a lot of time to do that and just saying so is just painful to remember later on. Remember during the summer? I think I had a loot of hope to hang out with you during the summer just cause it's summer and we aren't supposed to have work or anything but guess what we only hung out 3 times maybe 4 max. MAX. It's just so depressing. And you say we have time like.. you don't even mean it cause you don't prove it. Granted, there are time when I'm busy and I may have said that, but i've always made time somehow or at least if you ever wanted to talk, I've made a really good effort to make time. I just know you're busier than me and you can't do that. So I really don't know what to do at all anymore. I'm still really angry at you just cause today I even like imed you to make sure you weren't going to be busy tonight and you said Oh i'm going to eat dinner with friends or I dont know and just be free after 9. Well I imed you at 910 or so and I didn't get a response and then I just gave up around 1050. Seriously? You have got to be kidding me. I would think that putting it off for sooo long well it means a lot to me to catch up. We're pretty close right? Sometimes I ask myself that question a lot and I've always concluded that we were, and now I'm just not so sure anymore? Where do we stand now? I wished that... you could've at least called. And also I didn't call you because you didn't respond to my text, which means I know you didn't have you phone with you and if you did, it means you were busy to not even text back so calling you wouldn't have done jack so I didn't. I just left it there just angry and just thinking wow alright you know what maybe next time we won't set up a date anymore to catch up. This is just ridiculous. I can't believe I said and thought those words it really just makes me think what happened to us?

I know you're sorry, You know I still forgive you, no matter what. Appreciate the honesty is all I have to say.

Hates it when people just don't do what they said they're going to do. I may be a hypocrite on this but call me out on this. A few times and i'll let it slide, but sometimes it just gets ridiculous.

Priorities... mainly sleeping

*sigh* I need to start getting my priorities straight. What I need to do with a goal in mind. I"ve been staying up late on break, and I've been sleeping earlier ish since school started, and taking serious advantage over the fact that that 1st week is super easy and barely any discussions/problem solving session and especially no lab which effectively eliminates no lab from 9 am to 3 pm, seriously. That's 6 hours of time... more like 9-12 and then 1-3, sooo 5 hours of lab. Anyway no lab tomorrow so class from 6 to 8, both discussion. But I really gotta start getting my stuff together otherwise it'll be the end.

Goals: Try to sleep earlier.