Second week on the job, 7th day total. Already made 230 dollars woo! Pays for my head unit and most likely a new fuse cause I blew one out attaching the wrong wire together gr. >< Oh well, more knowledge and the fuses only cost like 10-15, nothing major in the couple hundreds.
It's been a week since you've left though andd I'll be honest I thought about you today while working, mainly because I was kinda bored. I guess thinking about you have been toning down. I don't miss you a lot. You know, at first I was going to say I'm going to miss you before you left, but then I shouldn't only because I think of "I miss you" 's as kind of a boyfriend girlfriend thing so I didn't. Not really important, just thought I'd throw that out there in case that ever crossed your mind. Which is whyy I'd very rarely first say i'll miss you if you didn't do it first. There was a time when you said you missed me and i said aw I miss you too, which was like during AP testing.
But I have been taking your advice, if i'm not spending time with you, i'm spending time with my other GREAT friends. Mostly Pedro, watching movies with him, which have been indeed, good movies and that's always fun. No idea where the heck is lester @_@ when I call him, he's busy lol. Talking to Marisa and Emily for problems that I may have. Also putting it out there. You know I told Marisa about graduation, your graduation. But before I tell you about that, I'd like to say that it's really REALLY great to have friends like Marisa who go "what the fuck? " , which I never see until someone does that because I'm severely blind by emotion. Heres what I said:
Oh man, LAHS's graduation is on the 4th. Do you think I should fly back?
What for?
Well to watch Diana's graduation.
>_>
Too extreme?
Yup.
And that was the water'd down version, but that's essentially what happened. And when you read this, it's not that I didn't want to, I really want to, but after thinking about it, it's going to be really inconvenient for me @_@ Mainly because I'd have to spend like 140 dollars to fly back, have my mom pick me up, while taking a day off. THen I'd have to drive all the way to los altos to watch you for like 2 hours, have a what I think will be an awkward confrontation with your parents and then spend time for like 30 minutes taking pictures, which I think I will only be in 1 maybe 2, and theeen you're off to grad night and I only spent like an hour with you. An important time in your life though, but man, gotta drive back, then fly back the next morning. Theeen study for finals.
Opportunity cost? (The thing I could have been doing instead of doing all of that?) Studying for my finals so my GPA doesn't drop. Yeah... also important. So I know like I KNOW that you'd understand and saying sorry to you would be like oh nooo I understand silly :P
So as for now, my point was it's really good to have friends who kinda go dude you're being crazy again. And do that check. And also, I think I told her so I could get that response, meaning I need to talk about you, what would I do for you, only to get a no answer from somebody else so let myself know that I'm not crazy for saying no. Basically getting some support...
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
A Campfire
Ever since I seriously started thinking about relationships, around 8th grade to 9th grade since that's when they started to form. I had this metaphor, a campfire, which I thought represented a relationship very very nicely. And I love this metaphor to this day and fully believe in it because it is a simple, yet I think a very effective way of measuring a relationship in terms of health. Simple test though, and tests can do so much so it's not too broad or expansive. It is just a metaphor.
My campfire metaphor, well here it is. A campfire is like a relationship. Very hard to start a fire yes? Rubbing two sticks together, matches, flint stone whatever it may be. I won't go into detail on how starting fires represent. My point is that starting fires is hard, much like starting a relationship. Once this fire gets going, it needs fuel, like a relationship needs love okay maybe not love but it needs time and commitment and faith. Let's say that's firewood. Once the fire starts burning we need to feed it with firewood, time, commitment and faith.
I was thinking if I ever had a girlfriend, and we would get too close, I might have to tell her I need some space. I know I've gotten attached before, and it's honestly suffocating. It's like taking a drug you know is bad but you do it anyway. It really becomes an unhealthy addiction that sometimes I can't control anymore. Even for some simple pleasure of happiness maybe that's what drives me to be attached. Either way my point was if at some point either I or my girlfriend gets attached, then I may have to lay down this metaphor. And this is how I imagined it. Let's say her name was Madeline.
You know Madeline, we've been hanging out and talking almost every day.
Yes so? Don't you like it?
Well of course I do, you know I love being with you. But don't you think it can be unhealthy, or at least hurtful on the days we can't or don't get together?
Yes I know what you mean, but that's why I hang out with you so much. So I can cherish the moments with you together as much as I can.
But doesn't that just make it worse for ourselves when we really can't see each other?
What do you mean?
Well... *breaks down the campfire metaphor*. So every fire needs fuel right? Well let's say we hang out 7 days a week at least 1 hour every single day. It's like feeding our camp fire a TON of firewood right? And this will make our campfire huge, like a bonfire, a big bursting yellow golden fire. But there will be a time when we're going to run low on firewood, and have less time to spend with each other due to homework or just in case we're busy. We're going to have to find some firewood, find the time to spend with each other and it'll start to get increasingly hard don't you know? And on the days we can't feed our fire, we can't find the time to spend with each other. Do you know what will happen? Our fire will slowly die, it will slowly go down needing more and more firewood. Don't you see? If we feed the fire by dumping in huge amounts of firewood, then we'll have to always keep dumping in the firewood. Listen Madeline, I never want to hurt you or let you feel heartache, but by doing this to ourselves, we're hurting each other. I'm not saying that we shouldn't spend time together. Let's just keep our fire contained, well lit. Warm comforting since it offers us protection from harm. A fire's warmth is absolutely comforting and precious. Don't worry we won't let it die.
All i'm saying is if you have something to do, then go do it. If you want to go hang out with your friends, go do it. Don't let one phone call from me cancel your plans with something you wanted to do previously. I want you to live your life and be independent without me too sometimes okay? We don't have to be attached at the hip all the time. And this way, we can keep our fire small, steady, but strong. And sometimes we can splurge and make a big fire for toasting marshmallows and having a fun night together. If we do it this way, we can be happier together.
And she'll smile at me and say, Okay we'll do that. I love you.
I love you, too.
<3
The end.
I wonder how great of a boyfriend I'll be able to be. Somehow, part of me can't wait to meet someone special and just sweep her off her feet and make her think, he's the best for me.
p.s. On a more unrelated note, you're the best and I owe you.
My campfire metaphor, well here it is. A campfire is like a relationship. Very hard to start a fire yes? Rubbing two sticks together, matches, flint stone whatever it may be. I won't go into detail on how starting fires represent. My point is that starting fires is hard, much like starting a relationship. Once this fire gets going, it needs fuel, like a relationship needs love okay maybe not love but it needs time and commitment and faith. Let's say that's firewood. Once the fire starts burning we need to feed it with firewood, time, commitment and faith.
I was thinking if I ever had a girlfriend, and we would get too close, I might have to tell her I need some space. I know I've gotten attached before, and it's honestly suffocating. It's like taking a drug you know is bad but you do it anyway. It really becomes an unhealthy addiction that sometimes I can't control anymore. Even for some simple pleasure of happiness maybe that's what drives me to be attached. Either way my point was if at some point either I or my girlfriend gets attached, then I may have to lay down this metaphor. And this is how I imagined it. Let's say her name was Madeline.
You know Madeline, we've been hanging out and talking almost every day.
Yes so? Don't you like it?
Well of course I do, you know I love being with you. But don't you think it can be unhealthy, or at least hurtful on the days we can't or don't get together?
Yes I know what you mean, but that's why I hang out with you so much. So I can cherish the moments with you together as much as I can.
But doesn't that just make it worse for ourselves when we really can't see each other?
What do you mean?
Well... *breaks down the campfire metaphor*. So every fire needs fuel right? Well let's say we hang out 7 days a week at least 1 hour every single day. It's like feeding our camp fire a TON of firewood right? And this will make our campfire huge, like a bonfire, a big bursting yellow golden fire. But there will be a time when we're going to run low on firewood, and have less time to spend with each other due to homework or just in case we're busy. We're going to have to find some firewood, find the time to spend with each other and it'll start to get increasingly hard don't you know? And on the days we can't feed our fire, we can't find the time to spend with each other. Do you know what will happen? Our fire will slowly die, it will slowly go down needing more and more firewood. Don't you see? If we feed the fire by dumping in huge amounts of firewood, then we'll have to always keep dumping in the firewood. Listen Madeline, I never want to hurt you or let you feel heartache, but by doing this to ourselves, we're hurting each other. I'm not saying that we shouldn't spend time together. Let's just keep our fire contained, well lit. Warm comforting since it offers us protection from harm. A fire's warmth is absolutely comforting and precious. Don't worry we won't let it die.
All i'm saying is if you have something to do, then go do it. If you want to go hang out with your friends, go do it. Don't let one phone call from me cancel your plans with something you wanted to do previously. I want you to live your life and be independent without me too sometimes okay? We don't have to be attached at the hip all the time. And this way, we can keep our fire small, steady, but strong. And sometimes we can splurge and make a big fire for toasting marshmallows and having a fun night together. If we do it this way, we can be happier together.
And she'll smile at me and say, Okay we'll do that. I love you.
I love you, too.
<3
The end.
I wonder how great of a boyfriend I'll be able to be. Somehow, part of me can't wait to meet someone special and just sweep her off her feet and make her think, he's the best for me.
p.s. On a more unrelated note, you're the best and I owe you.
Monday, July 6, 2009
She will be loved
Sometimes I catch myself thinking of Tina and most of the times I don't want to only because I know if I do that I'll start missing her again. 2 weeks ago on a Monday I believe, possibly Tuesday. I saw her again for the first time after school. In total I think it was the second time that I saw her after our breakup, the first was Andrea's birthday party at a nice European restaurant. It was really nice seeing her again. But sometimes it scares me when I see her because I don't know what I'm going to do anymore. I mean we've "dated" for like 3 years or something maybe 2 whatever. And during that time I've gotten extremely comfortable being around her. It was like I could hug her while she's reading and she won't even notice me anymore and frankly I was so used to that. And not doing it anymore well I guess it helped not getting used to that feeling anymore, but when I saw her on that day at the library, I was confused what I should do to greet her. Like any girl I would rather hug than a guy hand shake like Pedro and I's fist pound explosion combo. But it was strange when I saw her because I literally forgot how to hug her and I wanted to stand there because I didn't want to do the wrong thing. I ended up hugging her above her waist, well above her shoulders which felt really freaking awkward like I was going to suffocate her with my height (AHAHAH). And she was like "ahhh *wiggle wiggle* And to lessen the tension for myself I immediately said omg how are you I didn't see you all school year! And then I made fun of her hair :P and then tried petting it HAHAHA. And then I got called out. You could say in a way that I can be still very comfortable with her.
So we're at Pedro's house and I'm about to leave and I was in a hurry because my mom was outside lost and I was like oh crap I really have to go so when I tried to hug Tina, this was hella awkward because I stopped thinking on how I hugged her and what I did was hug her like waistline like I used to do. But i was like OH SHIT! and then I immeediately hugged her over the shoulders again and that like apparently hella surprised her LOL. Cause she was like what the hell @_@ I think it was just awkward for her or awkward for me if I hugged her the way I used to. Like the sexual hug >_> or maybe just even a normal hug. For a normal girl hug it's like waistline but my hands go upward and I don't like touch her with my hands, well okay I do but very very lightly. It's not one of thosee "ahh i'm melting on you" I'm sure you know xD
First I want to point out how different my situations from others. For one we had a very strange relationship together. We both didn't invest a lot of emotional feelings for each other, at least not as much as we could have. If you think we had a lot going for each other, well we might have but to be honest. Weee we like friends with benefits LOL. All we did was hug seriously. I never got to kiss her on the lips remember? It sucks to say that every time very embarrassing for me. And another thing I wanted to point out was that when we broke up, well "broke up", it wasn't as bad because we didn't invest in each other too heavily and another thing was that our breakup wasn't too much of a breakup. I'd say it was just a put on hold kind of a thing. Cause you know we parted or took a break or whatever because I found out she didn't want to be in a serious relationship. I probably felt as much pain as I did compared to that of a big argument with your significant other. I just exacerbated it by thinking we "broke up" but if I thought we were still together then it wouldn't have been so bad. Besides I was like sad about it for like a week TOPS, maybe a week and a half. Yeah I got over it hella fast, at least I think I did. Anyway my point is our break up wasn't exactly a breakup. Wait that's a bad explanation. Okay a breakup to me is when your bf/gf does something intentionally to you and you get hurt for it. Like I don't love you anymore or I cheated on you or I won't be there for you anymore. Things like that are normally self-controlled, he or she wanted to do something and the result sucked for you. In my case, I don't really consider it to be Tina's fault she never did anything.
Okay nevermind I just went to the bathroom and realized how stupid of an argument this is lol. She made the conscious decision to not be in a serious relationship with me. Okay ouch. And now I have to wonder is it because she really wans't ready or she really didn't want to be in one.
Another thing I wanted to say is that I can't really hate her, even if she made the decision to not be in a serious relationship with me. Probably because it was technically my responsibility to know, and technically I did know but I chose to believe she wasn't ready. So it was kinda my fault for not finding out for myself so can't really hate for something that was my responsibility, right?
Which becomes a problem because then I give myself a reason to like her cause I don't hate her.
So we're at Pedro's house and I'm about to leave and I was in a hurry because my mom was outside lost and I was like oh crap I really have to go so when I tried to hug Tina, this was hella awkward because I stopped thinking on how I hugged her and what I did was hug her like waistline like I used to do. But i was like OH SHIT! and then I immeediately hugged her over the shoulders again and that like apparently hella surprised her LOL. Cause she was like what the hell @_@ I think it was just awkward for her or awkward for me if I hugged her the way I used to. Like the sexual hug >_> or maybe just even a normal hug. For a normal girl hug it's like waistline but my hands go upward and I don't like touch her with my hands, well okay I do but very very lightly. It's not one of thosee "ahh i'm melting on you" I'm sure you know xD
First I want to point out how different my situations from others. For one we had a very strange relationship together. We both didn't invest a lot of emotional feelings for each other, at least not as much as we could have. If you think we had a lot going for each other, well we might have but to be honest. Weee we like friends with benefits LOL. All we did was hug seriously. I never got to kiss her on the lips remember? It sucks to say that every time very embarrassing for me. And another thing I wanted to point out was that when we broke up, well "broke up", it wasn't as bad because we didn't invest in each other too heavily and another thing was that our breakup wasn't too much of a breakup. I'd say it was just a put on hold kind of a thing. Cause you know we parted or took a break or whatever because I found out she didn't want to be in a serious relationship. I probably felt as much pain as I did compared to that of a big argument with your significant other. I just exacerbated it by thinking we "broke up" but if I thought we were still together then it wouldn't have been so bad. Besides I was like sad about it for like a week TOPS, maybe a week and a half. Yeah I got over it hella fast, at least I think I did. Anyway my point is our break up wasn't exactly a breakup. Wait that's a bad explanation. Okay a breakup to me is when your bf/gf does something intentionally to you and you get hurt for it. Like I don't love you anymore or I cheated on you or I won't be there for you anymore. Things like that are normally self-controlled, he or she wanted to do something and the result sucked for you. In my case, I don't really consider it to be Tina's fault she never did anything.
Okay nevermind I just went to the bathroom and realized how stupid of an argument this is lol. She made the conscious decision to not be in a serious relationship with me. Okay ouch. And now I have to wonder is it because she really wans't ready or she really didn't want to be in one.
Another thing I wanted to say is that I can't really hate her, even if she made the decision to not be in a serious relationship with me. Probably because it was technically my responsibility to know, and technically I did know but I chose to believe she wasn't ready. So it was kinda my fault for not finding out for myself so can't really hate for something that was my responsibility, right?
Which becomes a problem because then I give myself a reason to like her cause I don't hate her.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Adelaide
This may come to you as a surprise, but I've always wanted a baby sister, a little sister. Maybee 2 or 3 years younger than me. That would put her at 16 years old or 15 years old. A girl in high school, who just finished sophomore year and going to junior year, or she's finishing junior year and going to senior year. And i've always wanted a baby sister, just cause I wanted to have the role of an older brother. To me there's a difference between being an older brother if you have a younger brother and being an older brother of a sister. One I think that being a brother to a younger brother would involve a lot of fighting, some competition and I would imagine a lot of ball punching in our younger years. Hm I'd say the biggest reason for wanting to have a younger sister is so that she can rely on me as an older brother. Not exactly like a boyfriend, although I can do many of the things a boyfriend can, like giving her rides or buying her food. Most of all I just want to protect my little sister from something or someone. This doesn't have to do with any of my friends or anything, I"ve always wanted a sister since I was little. I remember I used to ask my mom if she could have another baby even though I was like 6 or 7 year old. And I wanted a girl and my mom asked why and I said, because I wanted a beautiful sister who I could love and protect with all my heart. That's exactly what I said. Pretty corny huh.
Anyway, I had a dream a few months back. I don't really remember it anymore other than I was running with a girl, who was apparently my sister. Her name was Adelaide and she was a beautiful girl. Except I remember that we were poor, kinda like slumdog millionaire, but not that poor. We didn't have a home, we didn't have any money. But the area wasn't as poor as like India. There was modern civilization and everything, it's just that we were well, poor. We used public showers to get clean and as long as I can remember in my dream, I would always have to bail Adelaide out of trouble, because she was a feisty one. She would always get into trouble, and I would have to bail her out of trouble. Saying stuff like sorry it's just a girl she doesn't know any better and she wasn't brought up as well as I. And other times when she would get into trouble, I'd always have to take the hit and either run or get beat up. It would always end up with, "sorry big brother, I didn't mean for you to get hurt" and I said "that's okay, it's what i'm here for, it's what big brothers do" and I would always say that with a smile so genuine, it'd make her smile as well and she would always fully believe me. Except in my dream, I would never ask for anything in return, I'd never even asked her to stop making trouble because it'd get me in trouble. It was so strange. It was like my whole life's job and commitment was for her and to love her as my baby sister. In a sense it made me seem useful. Because we had no home, we were all we had. Each other. We didn't have anywhere to go. In fact, Adelaide would always just come up with the most random places to go and we'd always try to get there the best we can. I remember in my dream I would always get a ride, and the ending of my dream was just we were riding on a pickup truck driving away in a sunset going... well wherever she wanted to go. And frankly I never complained and I never cared where we would go. Hm Adelaide, maybe one day I"ll name my kid that, a girl :D
Anyway, I had a dream a few months back. I don't really remember it anymore other than I was running with a girl, who was apparently my sister. Her name was Adelaide and she was a beautiful girl. Except I remember that we were poor, kinda like slumdog millionaire, but not that poor. We didn't have a home, we didn't have any money. But the area wasn't as poor as like India. There was modern civilization and everything, it's just that we were well, poor. We used public showers to get clean and as long as I can remember in my dream, I would always have to bail Adelaide out of trouble, because she was a feisty one. She would always get into trouble, and I would have to bail her out of trouble. Saying stuff like sorry it's just a girl she doesn't know any better and she wasn't brought up as well as I. And other times when she would get into trouble, I'd always have to take the hit and either run or get beat up. It would always end up with, "sorry big brother, I didn't mean for you to get hurt" and I said "that's okay, it's what i'm here for, it's what big brothers do" and I would always say that with a smile so genuine, it'd make her smile as well and she would always fully believe me. Except in my dream, I would never ask for anything in return, I'd never even asked her to stop making trouble because it'd get me in trouble. It was so strange. It was like my whole life's job and commitment was for her and to love her as my baby sister. In a sense it made me seem useful. Because we had no home, we were all we had. Each other. We didn't have anywhere to go. In fact, Adelaide would always just come up with the most random places to go and we'd always try to get there the best we can. I remember in my dream I would always get a ride, and the ending of my dream was just we were riding on a pickup truck driving away in a sunset going... well wherever she wanted to go. And frankly I never complained and I never cared where we would go. Hm Adelaide, maybe one day I"ll name my kid that, a girl :D
Recap
You know this past year has been filled with soo many memories. And I have to point out this past year of my life had SO MUCH drama in it. It's literally been crazy. To recap:
1. My dad had no where else to go and so he stayed at our place for a little while, before he got kicked out cause he couldn't find a job.
2. I broke up with TIna, enough said. That was joyous *sarcasm*
3. College Started
4. I helped you through a harsh breakup
5. I drank alcohol, and on another occasion I got caught with people who drank alcohol. That was not fun. Didn't get written up though
6. I lost a good friend of mine
7. Moved to Hayward, 25 miles away from friends.
8. Helped you through some relationships
9. GIrl problems, enough said.
10. More relationship issues.
11. More girl problems.
12. And sadly... I have to emphasize, more girl problems, except they're not all you, of course. I have yet to talk about this.
Wow I really did go through a lot of shit this past year.
I have to say, although high school was pretty good at changing my life, college takes the cake. This past year, changed my life forever and now sometimes I don't know where i'm going or where I want to go. I just feel a little lost sometimes and I don't have a goal anymore, I don't have hope for tomorrow. But at least, i'm spared the drama and the pain. I think if I don't know what lies ahead, I have no expectations, and I won't get hurt. I guess it's a step in the right direction for the next part of my life called moving on.
1. My dad had no where else to go and so he stayed at our place for a little while, before he got kicked out cause he couldn't find a job.
2. I broke up with TIna, enough said. That was joyous *sarcasm*
3. College Started
4. I helped you through a harsh breakup
5. I drank alcohol, and on another occasion I got caught with people who drank alcohol. That was not fun. Didn't get written up though
6. I lost a good friend of mine
7. Moved to Hayward, 25 miles away from friends.
8. Helped you through some relationships
9. GIrl problems, enough said.
10. More relationship issues.
11. More girl problems.
12. And sadly... I have to emphasize, more girl problems, except they're not all you, of course. I have yet to talk about this.
Wow I really did go through a lot of shit this past year.
I have to say, although high school was pretty good at changing my life, college takes the cake. This past year, changed my life forever and now sometimes I don't know where i'm going or where I want to go. I just feel a little lost sometimes and I don't have a goal anymore, I don't have hope for tomorrow. But at least, i'm spared the drama and the pain. I think if I don't know what lies ahead, I have no expectations, and I won't get hurt. I guess it's a step in the right direction for the next part of my life called moving on.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
You're the best!
You know I was wondering what might happen after, like if we started growing a bit apart from each other. Then I thought... nah we won't do I have to ask a question like that? :D I'm really glad and lucky to have a friend like you.
You're the best!
You're the best!
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