Remember

1 year 1 month.


"Tina, I have to be honest with you. Over the past 2 and half years, it's been such a fun time being with you, but recently, remember when we had that talk about our relationship when you were in China? That really hit me, the fact that you didn't want a serious relationship, and it made me depressed, not majorly depressed, but mildly depressed to the point where I seriously started thinking where this was leading and how it personally affected me and you. It didn't exactly sound like... you were really hurt or.. even worried that we weren't in a serious relationship, but you have no idea how much it impacted me, and at this moment I do wish that you had told me sooner. You see, I've been waiting for you (creepy music) No not stalking, but from the beginning you first poked me, liked me, even when I first danced with you during sophomore Homecoming. I was really shy then, and asking you to dance.. I didn't mean your back to my front, I meant just holding hands but I was very surprised, but I had enjoyed you being so close to me dancing at that time. And your hair was in the way lol, but I didn't care. Little digression, but from those first moments that we were together, I KNEW you weren't ready. Hugging squashing... those were okay, it took a while to do that too. And we didn't really do it until the end of sophomore year and beginning of Junior year. And I knew you weren't ready still.. There were so many times when I thought about kissing you, not because of other people were doing it. I am not the person who wanted to push you or force you to be ready. And I waited and I waited for you to be ready.

We never really had many talks about our relationship because... we never really had any arguments, and when we did it was over.. debating abortion, something you are truly passionate about. Just like me and my macs and how you think windows is cool. But I really wish we could talk more about it, but I remember you said you didn't like talks that much, but wasn't that the downfall of our relationship right there? No communication. And I don't know if you remember this but... the first time when I asked you about our relationship was a long time ago back when your aim font was green with black background text. And.. I asked you "What if i said I loved you" and you said "O____O" ">> <<" And I knew you weren't ready. I was too young to understand love and I wasn't in love with you, YET. But how can I love you if I can rarely enter your heart? How can I love you if you never let me in? How can I if you never wanted it in the first place? And lastly, how can I love you if I wait for you or if you're never ready? But regardless of your response at that time *sophomore year* I had my hopes. Very high hopes, and I hoped one day, you'd be ready for me so I could take it to another step. Like Kiss. OBVIOUSLY NOT SEX. I never aimed that high. And if you wanted sex, I would've refused but I knew you would never wanted sex. My hopes started really dwindling around the middle of senior year. Yeah. I waited for you that long. Basically two years. I really really wanted to make an impression on you or at least make a move because it's our last year together. Why did you think I kissed you on the cheek? And it wasn't that serious but you weren't comfortable, and I knew it wasn't something you could get used to. If you didn't feel comfortable with a kiss on the cheek you wouldn't like a kiss on the lips and it wouldn't really be something you'd get used to either. Though how I waited for you so long still amazes me to this day. You see if you were ready, I could show more affection. I tried to show you that I was ready. I'm sure you remember how I touched you. And you said that I was a "molesting llama". Obviously that negative word wasn't what I was aiming for, but I wanted to show you that I was ready, that I was ready to love you, but unfortunately you never replied back with the same kind of response. And I tried my very best to say "soon.. soon", but I guess it never came and it never will.

And then we had our talk, and probably one of our last relationship talks and right then it feels as if my whole world has changed. When you told me you weren't ready for a serious relationship, a few days later, I don't know, but I just stopped liking you. I couldn't bring myself to understand why or how so suddenly. My naivete kicked in and I thought maybe it's not seeing you for so long. But now I realize it's because my mind, my heart just stopped waiting for you and I knew I needed to move on.

Tina, I can't wait for you anymore. I hope you can realize that. And somehow just staying with you or just sometimes thinking about you hurts now. Why? Because I feel as if somehow I was played as a loser, that you really had no intention of having a relationship with me from the beginning, and possibly at the most friend with benefits. I think it just all started when everybody thought we were together and dating. And we just went along with that. I feel as if all that waiting and showing affection for you was for nothing. My love for you was for nothing. At least, it wasn't what I wanted, anyway. Okay in reality it really wasn't all for nothing, but our relationship is ending and it feels like everything i've done was for nothing if I'm ending it. I hope you can understand that. My only regret was that I wished you told me earlier what you really wanted out of the relationship. I won't lie to you. You hurt me pretty badly.

We definitely had our highs and lows when we were together. I'm still sorry that I was a slave driving bitch to you during badminton. I wanted to be mvp, and I wanted to be the best, but it wasn't worth the arguments between us. As I close this painful letter, I want you to know that I still want to be your friend. I don't know if you'll be hurt and I really don't want you to be because the way I see it, it's still my fault for never asking you about what do you think about our relationship and what do you want from it. I just assumed you wanted some time because you weren't ready. If it makes you feel any better, you didn't screw up my life because I couldn't love you. I couldn't dedicate much of my life to you. You just gave me an important lesson about communication. But yes, I want you to be my friend. Whenever you want me to do some computer stuff, call me up or send me an e-mail or im, that is if you even want to be my friend. I hope you don't end up as a cat lady because letting someone into your life will be amazing. I just wish I could have been that one person who could do that.

Lastly, I forgive you. I know it wasn't your intention to hurt me. I can't say that it wasn't your fault, and even if you are sorry, it doesn't change anything for me right now. But it was also my fault... for never telling you what was going on, with me. I really had no idea how I could tell you that I was ready other than my hints. I just assumed many things that apparently I wasn't supposed to assume. But I can say that right now, there's nothing really we can do. I've lost hope in our relationship and I guess I lost hope in you as a girlfriend as well. Even so, the time that I spent with you was indescribable. You made me happier than I ever was in high school and I thank you for that."

It's weird... *explosions in the sky*

Theres always been moments for me where especially in college where I'm sitting on my chair with the light on and only my desk light, not even my room light and I'm staring at the computer screen, reading some stories or relationship advice or just something that's useful like news. Weell first of all I do read a lot of relationship advice and opinion from lots of people, it's just interesting and it's something to do and it just turns out to be extremely helpful to either you guys or for myself. You know, it does make me a better potential boyfriend. And to top that off I used to read a lot of romantic fiction, only like fanfiction, but it's cute and it made me a real romantic buff. I still am in a way. Anyway it's just weird sometimes to sit in the dark with the light on, listening to Explosions in the Sky, wondering about relationships. Usually I would think about potential date scenarios, or potential people that I like and what I would do with them on a date, if I went on a date with them. And one reoccuring thought is going up to a hill and overlooking a city and then stargazing on a hill at night on a warm blanket. And we would hold hands and snuggle up to each other to stay warm, that sort of thing. Isn't that romantic? Of course if I was realistically doing this, I would only do it with like my girlfriend of a few months probably. You know so we get over the fact of physical touch kinda like Tina in a way. If I were to hug her from behind at the waistline she wouldn't like feel it anymore lol. But anyway being on top of a hill like that is nice because she can slowly fall asleep and I can watch her sleep and maybe we can fall asleep together.

You know, I have seen Tina sleep before. It was a very interesting sight. I have no idea why it was so interesting cause it's just Tina sleeping. Oh this was back in Relay for Life when both Tina and I went to camp overnight. THis was when I was a sophomore going onto junior year. During that time Tina and I already got used to physics contact and it felt good when she slept on me. It was incredibly hard though because I can't exactly lean on the tent otherwise it'd fall over so I was using my ab muscles to keep myself upright hardest thing to do in the world lol. So she eventually went to sleep by herself and when I came back I just kinda watched her sleep. Sure it makes it a creeper but damnit it was so interesting. I don't know if girls can ever relate to how I feel but it warmed my heart. Oh another romantic thing to do is well sleeping on the opposite side with her and facing each other. One thing I want to do is have her wake up to my smile and another is to just kiss her softly until she wakes up.

But of course, I'd probably start to do this like a few months in as well because we would have to get over the kissing part of the relationship. Since Tina and I didn't, well that's why i never really did it. Plus it's pretty PDA, to be in a tent unless it was just us two, but I didn't think that was the case. Either way I think it is extremely awkward to have pepole you know come in and see you kissing with your gf/bf. Especially when it starts to be boderline making out, that's just embarassing and to the people who walk in I bet they find it just plain disgusting, like get a room. I remember Julia said GET A ROOM YOU TWO just when we were hugging, which is some PDA, but not as bad as kissing...But after we get over the stage of kissing, well I can probably kiss her good morning. Pretty nice eh?

You know lots of people, including myself at times would think that the girl who will date me will definitely be one of the luckiest girls right? Just imagine lots of her friends go Awww you're so lucky to have him, because I want to have my girlfriend be loved a lot by me. Of course i'm going to have to watch out for being too attached to her so she doesn't suffocate, but she will definitely know that I love her and care for her a lot. My goal to be honest is well basically to make her happy and do good things for her for her well-being. But you see, this only happens after the walls break down, and after she gets to know me, but the hardest part is, tat she has to genuinely like me for who I am and that being with me, brightens her day and makes her happy. And well that is hard to find.

Doing all cute things and great things for friends who are girls are great, but that doesn't mean jack sometimes if she doesn't like you like you. Well what i mean is, I'm sure my friends who are girls are still really grateful, but she won't feel lucky to be like my girlfriend or anything, perhaps just lucky enough to be and have found a friend like me. And that's great, but I want someone who cares about me on a deeper level too.

And now we almost went in a full circle.

It's weird thinking about this because I always have a lonely feeling, I mean it makes sense because it means i'm longing for a girlfriend, which can also be a bad thing if it gets too extreme, but it's weird beacuse every time I experience this loneliness, it's like I've never felt it before and every time it's at its full potency and I always feel terrible in a way. I feel sad, lonely, a bit worthless, or less so, but you know I guess it's pretty natural to want someone to love you after all hormones you know.

Well it's a full circle because I dream and wonder about relationships, and it causes me to feel lonely. Sometimes I feel lonely and I think about this stuff and I don't feel lonely. it doesn't really matter which occurs first or which occurs last. It's all the same in the end. Sometimes I have to go through this cycle like 3 to 4 times before I can fall asleep. Damn you insomnia. But this only happens when I am seriously hooked on thinking about it, when I'm actively thinking about it. And sometimes I can't stop. Sometimes i'll stop thinking about it and it'll haunt me in my dreams. Do you know how many times I've had dreams about Tina or people who I've liked? It's pretty ridiculous cause I've lost count...

I doubt theres anything wrong with me, It's not like this happens daily It only happens every so, now and again. Few times a month. Tonight just happened to be those nights and I know why. It was because I thought about how everybody is starting school. And what happens if I started school. Well on some nights when I like awake, and lie in bed with the bed light on. I think about this, I remember how lonely I used to be in my own room. One light on, eyes half closed, Insomnia striking, and my heart sinks a bit, and then it floats back up and I'm higher than a kite only to come crashing down and sinking below the surface, and then rising... falling.... and finally I stay afloat and I can sleep peacefully, and well tomorrow's a new day, right?

Until next time.

Thanks and Thank you

Sometimes... I feel like such a hopeless romantic, a dreamer and that's it. One who wants, but cannot do.

Found another interesting entry on xanga.

The Subtle Difference Between “Thanks” and “Thank You”.
Whether you’re a man or woman, at some point you’re going to go out of your way to do something nice for someone you feel is special. It can could be a gift. Or it could simply be a little something extra that you probably wouldn’t do for just anybody. While on the surface our actions may be generous and gracious, underneath lurks a selfish motivation. We want that special person to recognize and appreciate the effort and affection behind our gracious deed. But often times as the saying goes, “No good deed goes unpunished”.

Despite your best efforts, your good deeds can go under-appreciated or worse - unwanted. Sometimes that special someone may actually like the gift, but they wish someone else was giving it to them, not you. At this point it’s probably best to scale back your efforts and refocus them on someone else who will actually appreciate them.

But it’s not always easy to tell. Most people are taught to be at least somewhat polite when someone does a nice deed for them. This politeness throws a lot of people off. Yet I’m here today to give you an easy decoder to help you determine if someone actually appreciates your good deeds and maybe has an interest in you. Read the following scenarios.

Scenario #1

Man: “I was at the music store today and I remembered you said you didn’t have Pink’s second album and that you’ve been dying to get it, so I picked it for you. Here you go.”

Woman: “Oh, thanks. You shouldn’t have.”

Scenario #2

Man: “I was at the music store today and they were giving out free CDs and I got an extra one for you. Hope you like M.C. Hammer.”

Woman: “Haha, thank you!”

In both scenarios, the guy gets points for thinking about the girl while he was at the music store, but clearly the guy in the first scenario put in more work. He remembered what she liked and actually spent his money to get it. However the girl gave a polite but unenthusiastic “Thanks”. Followed by “You shouldn’t have”, and when combined with “Thanks”, the meaning is often literal. She obviously likes the gift, but doesn’t really have any affection for the guy or worse might possibly be uncomfortable receiving gifts from him.

In scenario two, the guy basically snagged an old bargain bin CD that he doesn’t even know that she likes, yet the girl clearly has a certain level of interest him, which is indicated by her enthusiastic “Thank you!” She’s just happy that he was actually thinking of her while he was at the music store. His good deeds no matter how small will go rewarded with her.

When you say “thanks” to someone, it’s like a quick verbal pat on the back. The word itself doesn’t take much effort to say and it just rolls off your tongue. If you drop a pencil and someone picks it up for you, you’d say “thanks.” You basically would say thanks to just about anybody.

“Thank you” on the other hand is a verbal hug. It takes more effort to say and people often add some tonal emphasis on either the first or second word. Plus it’s more personal since it actually includes the word “you.” Rarely do people say “Thank you”, and not mean it. It’s often a genuine expression of appreciation and possibly affection.

Obviously body language also plays a part, but don’t underestimate the subtle clues embedded inside even in our most common everyday phrases. It might save you some heart-ache or at the very least some of your hard earned money.


And now I have to make sure I do the right one!

First Loves

Sometimes I randomly think about her because I miss her. And it always starts when I talk to her on aim because all of the things we do on aim, for the most part we still do. She's the only person who calls me llama, regularly and actually recently it's been like llamastew lol. She switches it up.

Yesterday while I was driving home, I passed by Shoreline on Central Expressway. I thought, If i ever needed to visit Tina for any reason I'd take this. Then I started to miss her. And what I concluded was that although what we had was special and we most likely we'd never have it again, it still remains special. I thought about dating another girl, like pretending if I really had another girlfriend at the moment. Hopefully i'll still be able to be good friend with Tina, but thinking about it, if i were to hug my current girlfriend and cuddle, it's just not somehow the same with Tina. Maybe just thinking about cuddling with Tina again, man, it feels like it is only a unique experience and intimacy that only we share. I could do the same with another girl, but it's just not the same, we probably would never click on the same level as her.

I'm not really sure if it has to do with First loves, or just the fact that past relationships with ones that invested in seriously, will always have a unique feel to it. No other girl that I have ever met probably can make me feel that special. I could be wrong cause I haven't dated since then, but even so, I'd still think that she'll always be special, and not known as my ex, but known as my first. Yeahh..

I guess sometimes, she's still that special.

Edit: 8/13/09

Sometimes I wonder if I should tell her about how I feel. Maybe not, but I mean ask her a few things like how much did you really care for me. Do you still think about me, or miss me? And just what if we just started dating again. I've always wondered if at any point did she really love me, did she really fall for me. Did she really feel warm, welcome, and safe in my arms. Did I do a good job as her first? Did I ever leave a lasting impression that she'll remember for years. And also, does she ever regret ever not truly falling in love with me?

My answer to the last question, No, not really. I don't really regret that I've dated her because I got experience, and the times and memories that we spent together were memorable and most definitely worth it. I still think about whether or not if I still loved her or not, and I always come to the conclusion that somehow I just didn't. Or wait, Maybe I did just for a night, or just for a few precious intimate moments together before we separated and she had to go home or something.

One thing that I'm really afraid of is well just asking her those questions. Although I would love to hear her response, maybe get some more closure, even though it was well hm, I'm not sure. But it seemed pretty final and exact, she didn't love me and she didn't plan on loving me so that was that at the time. I wonder if she ever thought about it and wondered if she ever would change her mind on that. Or during the time that she was dating me. It kinda sucks ultimately because it seems that I didn't truly make a difference in her life, just being her boyfriend. I just feel sad that she couldn't bring herself to love me and it hurts to think about it sometimes because somehow, it was me and I don't want be alone.. I felt that she made a difference in my life, but I really can't say the same to her. And I'm also afraid of asking her because of the answers I'll get. If they're bad answers, i'll just feel worse about myself. If they're good answers, that'll just be another reason to like her again.

It's not like I want to try again cause I know it won't work out. I guess it's just, I wish she had a better reason to break up with me, but at the same time I myself can't even think up a better reason.

You Can Love Anyone

So I found this xanga entry and I thought it was pretty insightful.



When I was younger, I had this (ridiculous) idea that my dream man would somehow magically appear out of thin air, parade into my life & resolve my life-long fear of being "the cat lady." I didn't really care about the details, I just had this feeling that he'd show up, one day.

Well, now I'm an older (& more realistic) person. I don't know if it's just because the reality of graduating college & having to enter "the real world" is hitting me hard or what - but it feels like a lot of the magic I used to believe - particularly when it comes to love - has well, gone out the window.

Take this, for example: I used to suffer from severe social anxiety. If I could maintain a conversation (& eye contact) with you for more than 10 minutes, you were a shoe-in. I basically thought anyone I could actually connect with - & stand - for that long was a winner - & had definite "forever after" potential.

Now, I've spent the last four years working on my anxiety - & let's just say I can pretty much carry on a conversation with anyone - from the mailman to the cashier chick at McDonald's. And I definitely DON'T consider either of those people to have "the One" written all over them.

I've slowly started to believe that love is less about finding "the One" - & more about ACCEPTING & LOVING someone so much that they just..BECOME everything you want. I now believe that you can pretty much find lots of things to connect with others about & being in a relationship with another person is simply about finding someone who you are willing to accept, love & cherish - regardless of their flaws. No one is going to come along & be perfect from the get-go. Instead, you just have to constantly remind yourself that they don't have to - & neither do you.

So basically what I'm saying is, I believe we can love anybody. I really & truly do. Maybe the love we feel for certain people will feel different - like a friendship kind of love - or maybe we'll even start to feel ourselves falling for someone we normally wouldn't (girl crush, anyone?). But either way, I think that this idea of our one-and-only-true-soulmate should be thrown out the window. Instead, I think we should just look around us for the people in our lives who make our hearts go pitter-patter & try to give them all the love we got - until one day we find someone we want to give our love to for as long as we live.

You Smell Like Christmas

So today I went to go see Paper Heart and that was I think a really good funny, yet also somewhat informative movie for me. It was good because i'm looking for an answer for What is love as well. The movie wasn't particularly useful, but it's nice to know the journey to find love. And of course there are so many different varieties of love, different definitions. And it's strange because for such a concept of love, there is no absolute definition so I wonder why we call such an intangible, indescribable feeling love when nobody really knows.

Aside from that, it helped me with my dream that I had last night. It was about Tina. It was very strange because it was about love. Heres what I remember, Tina and I were like dancing like ballroom dancing.. I've always wanted to ballroom dance with Tina and when we did it was fun. But basically in my dream we were ballroom dancing and slow dancing in a room. Then later as we were finishing up, we both looked in each other's eyes and she said it. She said I love you in the most passionate and most caring way I ever could have imagined. And right there I instantly fell in love with her all over again, butterflies in my stomach, everything. It was like pure euphoria. I still kinda can't believe it though because it never really did happen to me. I remember that Tina and I did say I love you at some point, but it was never like constant. It was more like she said it or I said it just to see what would happen, or to just get it out there. But I knew that when she said it, she didn't mean it like in my dream. I never said it and I 100% meant it in my dream. I could have, but I think it would've freaked her out too much. You know, I kinda did wish that she meant it at one point so I could mean it too. To feel that kind of happiness from another, well I guess that was love that I felt last night, at least just a taste of it.