Remember

1 year 1 month.


"Tina, I have to be honest with you. Over the past 2 and half years, it's been such a fun time being with you, but recently, remember when we had that talk about our relationship when you were in China? That really hit me, the fact that you didn't want a serious relationship, and it made me depressed, not majorly depressed, but mildly depressed to the point where I seriously started thinking where this was leading and how it personally affected me and you. It didn't exactly sound like... you were really hurt or.. even worried that we weren't in a serious relationship, but you have no idea how much it impacted me, and at this moment I do wish that you had told me sooner. You see, I've been waiting for you (creepy music) No not stalking, but from the beginning you first poked me, liked me, even when I first danced with you during sophomore Homecoming. I was really shy then, and asking you to dance.. I didn't mean your back to my front, I meant just holding hands but I was very surprised, but I had enjoyed you being so close to me dancing at that time. And your hair was in the way lol, but I didn't care. Little digression, but from those first moments that we were together, I KNEW you weren't ready. Hugging squashing... those were okay, it took a while to do that too. And we didn't really do it until the end of sophomore year and beginning of Junior year. And I knew you weren't ready still.. There were so many times when I thought about kissing you, not because of other people were doing it. I am not the person who wanted to push you or force you to be ready. And I waited and I waited for you to be ready.

We never really had many talks about our relationship because... we never really had any arguments, and when we did it was over.. debating abortion, something you are truly passionate about. Just like me and my macs and how you think windows is cool. But I really wish we could talk more about it, but I remember you said you didn't like talks that much, but wasn't that the downfall of our relationship right there? No communication. And I don't know if you remember this but... the first time when I asked you about our relationship was a long time ago back when your aim font was green with black background text. And.. I asked you "What if i said I loved you" and you said "O____O" ">> <<" And I knew you weren't ready. I was too young to understand love and I wasn't in love with you, YET. But how can I love you if I can rarely enter your heart? How can I love you if you never let me in? How can I if you never wanted it in the first place? And lastly, how can I love you if I wait for you or if you're never ready? But regardless of your response at that time *sophomore year* I had my hopes. Very high hopes, and I hoped one day, you'd be ready for me so I could take it to another step. Like Kiss. OBVIOUSLY NOT SEX. I never aimed that high. And if you wanted sex, I would've refused but I knew you would never wanted sex. My hopes started really dwindling around the middle of senior year. Yeah. I waited for you that long. Basically two years. I really really wanted to make an impression on you or at least make a move because it's our last year together. Why did you think I kissed you on the cheek? And it wasn't that serious but you weren't comfortable, and I knew it wasn't something you could get used to. If you didn't feel comfortable with a kiss on the cheek you wouldn't like a kiss on the lips and it wouldn't really be something you'd get used to either. Though how I waited for you so long still amazes me to this day. You see if you were ready, I could show more affection. I tried to show you that I was ready. I'm sure you remember how I touched you. And you said that I was a "molesting llama". Obviously that negative word wasn't what I was aiming for, but I wanted to show you that I was ready, that I was ready to love you, but unfortunately you never replied back with the same kind of response. And I tried my very best to say "soon.. soon", but I guess it never came and it never will.

And then we had our talk, and probably one of our last relationship talks and right then it feels as if my whole world has changed. When you told me you weren't ready for a serious relationship, a few days later, I don't know, but I just stopped liking you. I couldn't bring myself to understand why or how so suddenly. My naivete kicked in and I thought maybe it's not seeing you for so long. But now I realize it's because my mind, my heart just stopped waiting for you and I knew I needed to move on.

Tina, I can't wait for you anymore. I hope you can realize that. And somehow just staying with you or just sometimes thinking about you hurts now. Why? Because I feel as if somehow I was played as a loser, that you really had no intention of having a relationship with me from the beginning, and possibly at the most friend with benefits. I think it just all started when everybody thought we were together and dating. And we just went along with that. I feel as if all that waiting and showing affection for you was for nothing. My love for you was for nothing. At least, it wasn't what I wanted, anyway. Okay in reality it really wasn't all for nothing, but our relationship is ending and it feels like everything i've done was for nothing if I'm ending it. I hope you can understand that. My only regret was that I wished you told me earlier what you really wanted out of the relationship. I won't lie to you. You hurt me pretty badly.

We definitely had our highs and lows when we were together. I'm still sorry that I was a slave driving bitch to you during badminton. I wanted to be mvp, and I wanted to be the best, but it wasn't worth the arguments between us. As I close this painful letter, I want you to know that I still want to be your friend. I don't know if you'll be hurt and I really don't want you to be because the way I see it, it's still my fault for never asking you about what do you think about our relationship and what do you want from it. I just assumed you wanted some time because you weren't ready. If it makes you feel any better, you didn't screw up my life because I couldn't love you. I couldn't dedicate much of my life to you. You just gave me an important lesson about communication. But yes, I want you to be my friend. Whenever you want me to do some computer stuff, call me up or send me an e-mail or im, that is if you even want to be my friend. I hope you don't end up as a cat lady because letting someone into your life will be amazing. I just wish I could have been that one person who could do that.

Lastly, I forgive you. I know it wasn't your intention to hurt me. I can't say that it wasn't your fault, and even if you are sorry, it doesn't change anything for me right now. But it was also my fault... for never telling you what was going on, with me. I really had no idea how I could tell you that I was ready other than my hints. I just assumed many things that apparently I wasn't supposed to assume. But I can say that right now, there's nothing really we can do. I've lost hope in our relationship and I guess I lost hope in you as a girlfriend as well. Even so, the time that I spent with you was indescribable. You made me happier than I ever was in high school and I thank you for that."