She will be loved

Sometimes I catch myself thinking of Tina and most of the times I don't want to only because I know if I do that I'll start missing her again. 2 weeks ago on a Monday I believe, possibly Tuesday. I saw her again for the first time after school. In total I think it was the second time that I saw her after our breakup, the first was Andrea's birthday party at a nice European restaurant. It was really nice seeing her again. But sometimes it scares me when I see her because I don't know what I'm going to do anymore. I mean we've "dated" for like 3 years or something maybe 2 whatever. And during that time I've gotten extremely comfortable being around her. It was like I could hug her while she's reading and she won't even notice me anymore and frankly I was so used to that. And not doing it anymore well I guess it helped not getting used to that feeling anymore, but when I saw her on that day at the library, I was confused what I should do to greet her. Like any girl I would rather hug than a guy hand shake like Pedro and I's fist pound explosion combo. But it was strange when I saw her because I literally forgot how to hug her and I wanted to stand there because I didn't want to do the wrong thing. I ended up hugging her above her waist, well above her shoulders which felt really freaking awkward like I was going to suffocate her with my height (AHAHAH). And she was like "ahhh *wiggle wiggle* And to lessen the tension for myself I immediately said omg how are you I didn't see you all school year! And then I made fun of her hair :P and then tried petting it HAHAHA. And then I got called out. You could say in a way that I can be still very comfortable with her.

So we're at Pedro's house and I'm about to leave and I was in a hurry because my mom was outside lost and I was like oh crap I really have to go so when I tried to hug Tina, this was hella awkward because I stopped thinking on how I hugged her and what I did was hug her like waistline like I used to do. But i was like OH SHIT! and then I immeediately hugged her over the shoulders again and that like apparently hella surprised her LOL. Cause she was like what the hell @_@ I think it was just awkward for her or awkward for me if I hugged her the way I used to. Like the sexual hug >_> or maybe just even a normal hug. For a normal girl hug it's like waistline but my hands go upward and I don't like touch her with my hands, well okay I do but very very lightly. It's not one of thosee "ahh i'm melting on you" I'm sure you know xD

First I want to point out how different my situations from others. For one we had a very strange relationship together. We both didn't invest a lot of emotional feelings for each other, at least not as much as we could have. If you think we had a lot going for each other, well we might have but to be honest. Weee we like friends with benefits LOL. All we did was hug seriously. I never got to kiss her on the lips remember? It sucks to say that every time very embarrassing for me. And another thing I wanted to point out was that when we broke up, well "broke up", it wasn't as bad because we didn't invest in each other too heavily and another thing was that our breakup wasn't too much of a breakup. I'd say it was just a put on hold kind of a thing. Cause you know we parted or took a break or whatever because I found out she didn't want to be in a serious relationship. I probably felt as much pain as I did compared to that of a big argument with your significant other. I just exacerbated it by thinking we "broke up" but if I thought we were still together then it wouldn't have been so bad. Besides I was like sad about it for like a week TOPS, maybe a week and a half. Yeah I got over it hella fast, at least I think I did. Anyway my point is our break up wasn't exactly a breakup. Wait that's a bad explanation. Okay a breakup to me is when your bf/gf does something intentionally to you and you get hurt for it. Like I don't love you anymore or I cheated on you or I won't be there for you anymore. Things like that are normally self-controlled, he or she wanted to do something and the result sucked for you. In my case, I don't really consider it to be Tina's fault she never did anything.


Okay nevermind I just went to the bathroom and realized how stupid of an argument this is lol. She made the conscious decision to not be in a serious relationship with me. Okay ouch. And now I have to wonder is it because she really wans't ready or she really didn't want to be in one.

Another thing I wanted to say is that I can't really hate her, even if she made the decision to not be in a serious relationship with me. Probably because it was technically my responsibility to know, and technically I did know but I chose to believe she wasn't ready. So it was kinda my fault for not finding out for myself so can't really hate for something that was my responsibility, right?

Which becomes a problem because then I give myself a reason to like her cause I don't hate her.