Sometimes I just want to sit in my bed, listen to some instrumental music and talk. It's a very strange concept because it's not exactly talking to a person, but rather communication through my head like telepathy. I think the reason is because talking through speech involves a grammatical check for the other person to understand and the ideas and emotion just stay for a split second and then they're gone and they're jumbled and confused. It's why people say blah, but that doesn't tell me anything. I want to be able to just talk willingly, randomly, and quickly without making much sense but overall it makes sense to me. So if you do see a post and you read it and you don't know what's going on, you know why.
If I were to do this to someone, it can't just be anybody. It has to be someone who I deeply deeply trust, someone I can throw myself onto in an emotional way. I think of it as an exercise to deepen a bond between people. It can't be between any guy I know because I just can't seem to express the same things to a guy. It can't be a any girl either but it has to be a girl and theres only one girl who comes to mind, but she can't fulfill that role either. What I'm looking for is someone that's kinda close to a girlfriend, but I'm a little reluctant because I don't know what's going to happen. I surely hope I trust her but the problem is I don't want to tell her everything.
Theres quite a few secrets and thoughts that everybody harbors that isnt going to be released to friends, best friends, family, boyfriends/girlfriends, wife/husband. I get that. I want someone who I can tell something that isn't going to be able to take in everything and worry. In a way this person shouldn't be my girlfriend really. See it's hard because what I would say are just random tidbits and thoughts in my head that wouldn't exist at all if I were to say to another human being because it's not how I interact. It's an interaction between myself and my thoughts and sometimes they can be very confusing and strange. Sometimes they don't have to be confusing at all.
Honestly, I think only this blog deserves to be the "person" I am willing to talk to. But the problem is, you readers shouldn't or can't read it. But who knows, occasionally I'll post them.
Heres an example of what i'm trying to do. You know the movie "The Ring"? Well in the japanese version there is this scene where the little girl is sitting on the beach and she's staring out into the ocean very creepily murmuring an alien language. It's creepier than I describe it so you should actually watch the movie (if you dare). Actually don't do it. But anyway everything I feel seems to parallel that scene that I'm trying to communicate my emotions and thoughts in a way that isn't comprehensible. Human language is structured, so that some part of my brain has to try and reconfigure my thoughts and emotions and turn them into comprehensible words of logical explanations. That's the problem. I'm trying to transcend this by just talking and probably typing down what I'm thinking, what i'm feeling without restrictions and it's just extremely hard to do. Once I try to start typing everything seems lost and all my brain power is focused onto "How do I say what I feel" Instead, what I want to do is to just express how I feel in a different way without grammar and without bounds. It's extremely hard and also in a way frightenly scary because my thoughts can sometimes consist of morbidness and loneliness and sometimes it just eats away at me. But it isn't always like this. Most of the times I have normal thoughts. For example I've been pondering the thought, "In the pursuit of love" but sadly I don't know what I was thinking of... all I can recall is that thought and any attempt to recreate this thought or reexplain it is just fake and I'm probably 99% sure I'm making this up. It isn't the pure thought I've had, it's just a small leftover influence that will guide my ramblings... starting with the question "What is love" See that? Too much logic. Typing it out probably won't work. I can only have these thoughts in my head influence my words which will be bounded by grammar and everything else will just be a conception and image of what I was truly harboring.
