You're A Jerk

For quite some time, ever since I was young, young being what 6-7-8 years old, I've been brainwashed into thinking that personality is a greater factor than looks and you don't judge a book by its cover. I've come to hard code that into my brain and for the most part, it is still hard coded into my brains. Since then, all throughout middle school and perhaps a bit through high school, I never really cared about how I looked. I had acne, not too terrible and I've always had medication to stop it and prevent it. But I never really stuck to it and I applied it only perhaps once a week, every other day. And so I remember one time in the 9th grade, I was asked a question How many times do you take a shower? And I responded, oh maybe once every 3-5 days. Disgusting, isn't it? Well back then my hair didn't make a lot of oils yet, so it wasn't as disgusting as you think. Now I do and it's like I have to take a shower every other day, or everyday. Anyway I never really cared too much about how I looked until I started dating Tina and taking it more and more serious. Around the end of sophomore year, I decided to try and look better you know I don't want to look like crap when she sees me. I wanted to be more of an ideal boyfriend where she can be like this is my boyfriend! Except I knew I wasn't a good-looker and I didn't really try too hard. Still at that point in my life, I thought well my personality waaay overweighs my looks. I mean I think I'm a pretty good boyfriend, I will always be there for her and everything! And I was, I think. Think of me what you will but I thought I was a fairly decent boyfriend.

Actually as I went onto junior year I had a different hairstyle, I remember as a freshman or sophomore I would have this ridiculous hair style, the mushroom cut/bowl cut. And I would never like to get my hair cut cause I thought it was a waste of time and annoying. Not anymore. As Senior year came I would cut my hair in a month's time. Usually keeping it short cause I thought it looked better. Plus I had gel, and I experienced with that a bit to get a better look, but never really bothered to apply that during school days, only on formal occasions. So eventually we broke up and its summer going onto college. I still kinda have the same viewpoint that personality dominates over looks, but it changed a bit. I thought well even though that is true, you can't look like crap in front of your girlfriend/boyfriend right? Looks matter to some degree when you're dating...

I remember this one conversation I had with a friend. I thought pretty highly of myself because I knew I treated Tina well and I thought wait what if there are going to be lots of girls that like me. What am I going to do? Aha, but first there has to be girls liking me. As I entered college, that was quite hard to do, obviously, stupid me. But not like I wanted a girlfriend at the moment, I was just simply afraid that a girl may have liked me during this time when I had broken up with Tina. Fortunately no girl liked me, at least to my knowledge. But in some way, I was disappointed as I thought hm, perhaps I wasn't nice enough or maybe just didn't talk to her enough to show her that I'm nice since obviously, if you can't talk to her, then she won't know how nice you are! So I try and be a little more confident, and talk to girls and say hi and ask how was their day and just simple simple stuff that doesn't even hint that I like them. After all, I say that to my friends who I don't like either.

I remembered I liked this one girl and we did talk for a bit when we saw each other, like office hours or the same class. And then we didn't see each other again. Way different from high school. Oh yes, just because we had one class doesn't mean we have the same class again. Thinking about it, I have 10 weeks to make an impression on her. Didn't happen.

There was another girl that I liked, and she was reallly prettty. And I did talk to her, and well conversations didn't last very long with her, only because she was busy. Busy... to avoid me? I'm not sure. Later my suitemate and I would be walking on the way to go back to my hall and we pass by her. She says hi to my suitemate, cause we were in the same class, but not to me. This happened a few times actually. Either she'll say hi to him and not to me, or she'll just wave hi at both of us. Hm. I suppose she doesn't like me. Oh I guess it's because... the way I look maybe? Wow, shallow girl? I suppose I would have to experience them sooner or later. And I think, wait was she really shallow? I guess I'll never know.

So I stick to my philosophy of personality. Hm all I needed was to talk to a girl long enough to show her that I care. And so I did, and I tried with her. Somehow I thought maybe if I act a boyfriend at times, maybe I'll be a boyfriend.. eventually. I know now that approach quite doesn't work, in fact it just gets you into a worse position than ever. You like her, but she doesn't like you back. See this comic.

http://xkcd.com/513/

Hm that was a headache, although actually it was my fault cause it wouldn't have worked out and I knew that myself. But by the time I tried it, I knew this approach is not good at all. It's dumb. It just gets me friend-zoned.

You know there is another thing as well. There are a TON of pretty girls at UCSD, some of which are extremely beautiful, some who are average looking and a handful who don't care how they look. Anyway, I see many of them, pass by many of them, talk to a few of them. And I thought why not me? And well that's a very simple answer. It's based on how I look. Oh nooo that can't possibly be it, personality is greater than looks.... in the long run.

Thinking from a girls' perspective, there are TONS of cute guys at UCSD, some of which are extremely hot, some who are average, and some who look like he just rolled out of bed. My point is, there are lots of guys at UCSD, theres gotta be some way to pick people out. Thinking about this aggregatively, and also through sexual selection, you choose the mate that appeals to you the most. After all, there are SO many guys on campus, why settle for the not so hot looking one with a good personality, but find a guy who is SUPER HOT and has a REALLY great personality? There are definitely enough guys who actually may fit the bill. Whereas in high school, sure there may be a lot of guys, but hey girls don't generally date down, so they date up or someone in their grade. My class had 420 people about. If half of the are girls, then that's 210 guys. Now there are instantly some guys who you won't date, based on their personality, or clique or... whatever. Now at UCSD there are about what 24,000 people who go here? Lets just take account of the people on campus. First and Second years. These are very very rough estimates but that would be about 12,000 people. Assuming you're a First year girl, you'd date either in your grade or above, so that'd leave you with 6,000 guys, approximately, all over campus. Obviously there are other factors, such as being in the right time in the right area as there are 6 colleges. But damn even if it was 3000 guys that's way more than 210. In fact, about 10 times as much. Seriously, why settle for the guy with acne next to you when you have this hot guy sitting next to you on your left?

Back to my point, that's the system. Sorry man, you don't attract me physically, there are other UCSD guys out there. So guess what, I've been trying to do is make myself look better. Not to an extreme point, but hey trying to look better is better than just going whatever. So I've been starting with the facial features.

Hmm acne =_= I know I don't have terrible acne, but applying it everyday is a good start.

Teeth. Did you know I like barely rarely every brushed. Disgusting I know, but when I was young I was pretty stupid. I only started brushing like regularly around senior year when I got my electric toothbrush!! I love it haha. Anyway just this year I started to regularly floss and rinse with listerine. God, my gums were bleeding like none other, but they don't bleed asss much now and they aren't swollen as much after listerine. And I think they're getting whiter. Which is a good improvement on myself. I'm proud.

Hair. I always have this really really awful cowlick on the back of my head. I don't really know how to get rid of it, other than go cut my hair which would be extremely annoying cause that would have to be every 2 weeks. But I found out that I can use either gel, or take a shower, whatever works.

Glasses. I've been meaning to get rid of my glasses cause I think I look better without glasses. Except when I laugh I look SUPER asian cause my eyes disappear. But maybe they won't as much with contacts just cause I need to like literally pry open my eyelids to get them in. Maybe consistently doing that will make my eyes bigger. Of course I only wear contacts to more social events and also to formal stuff. I haven't been doing that even. Maybe i'll try to wear them more regularly this quarter.

Skin. I have the most dry skin ever. It is extremely scary to catch me on a day where I haven't put on lotion for like 2 days. I've been trying to put on lotion and this has definitely been a life recurring problem, but actually my skin has gotten better over the years. Just gotta keep applying it after I take a shower and when it gets dry the next day.

Clothes. Starting last year during winter break, I went to the mall like a legit mall like JCPenny and Macy's and American Eagle to go get nicer prep clothing. Although I don't look like a prep and I can't pull of a prep look, I like the shirts as they make me look more "fresh". Actually I do ruin teh prep look because I wear XXL American Eagle shirts... apparently a prep look is to have tight tees that cut off at the waist line, but I like it going on a bit further cause I don't want people seeing my boxers when I reach down to grab something!

Weight. You know ever since I was in high school, I noticed a very peculiar thing. It's very hard for me to gain weight and that I am SUPER friggin skinny. So skinny in fact that when I weighed myself recently I was 136.8 pounds without any clothes on with the exception of my boxers and a shirt that I sleep in. Anyway I've been trying to remedy this by going to the gym more and getting more muscle. You know I wasss 145 when I came to UCSD still extremely skinny but gotta start somewhere. Hopefully i'll be able to hit the gym more.

Stay tuned for part 2!