Homesickness

Now I can only look at my feet when I walk,

And only remember where I've walked,

And where I've been.  

Another simulation,

Devil Inside - Utada Hikaru

Please,

Save Me - Darren Styles.

It was the first time I couldn't and didn't want to play badminton.  And letting the ache just fill up inside.  Here we go again.  

To be or not to be?

A simulation, in my head of what will happen, what might happen and also cynically what I wish could happen.

A story simulation of what may have occurred after playing badminton.

I'm walking outside of the gym, sweaty, hot, tired and my feet hurt while knowing tomorrow I will have another blister on my toe.  This jacket is oh so sticky and I want to keep it on because I don't want to catch a cold when I go outside.  Come on Jennifer, let's go! I think to myself.  I head out the door first while also holding the door for Jennifer to catch up.  The cold breeze outside is definitely chilling and piercing and yet it feels refreshing, like a cold tall drink of water after a long run.  And I'm presented with this option.

"Jennifer do you want me to walk you back to Marshall."

"No I'm okay you can go back to Warren."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah yeah don't worry about me, it's not that late. I'll be fine"

"Please? How about halfway or something to upper marshall apartments.  Then I can go down RIMAC hill and that'll seem a lot quicker."

"Are you sure, going through Center is a lot qui-"

"Jennifer..., do you remember what happened last Friday night when I walked Amanda home? She said the exact same thing.  Look I know I trust you, but at least if I go with you, I know you're at least safe.  Besides it's not really a bother for me.  I know I should have finished walking Amanda to ERC, but I wanted to trust her.  You know when parents, people, friends in general don't think you're capable and you want to prove them wrong by doing it?  Maybe that's what she needed.  I thought she just wanted trust from another person.  I know she must have felt bad for dragging me out so far away to ERC, which is uphill and far away, but I didn't care.  It was the reason I was there.  She didn't seem drunk, she looked and sounded completely sober.  So I trusted her. And I went back, and remember I was questioned how I got back so quickly and figured out I had made the wrong mistake.  And both you Tim Belinda all said that I had done the wrong thing and I had failed as being an escorted.  Look, Jennifer, I don't care if it takes me longer or whatever.  I at least want to make sure that you get home safer than me walking back home right now.  I know you trust yourself, I trust in you, but I want to make sure something I couldn't do for Amanda.  I'm glad she got home safely but next time I promised myself I would fully walk them there no matter what I was doing.  And so right now I don't care."

Why is it that when I try and do the right thing of taking people home, I still mess up and have people hate me for it?  You know maybe for walking people, I guess I'll never trust them, no matter what they say I'll just walk you home, but only for girls I'm guessing.  Why is it that I can't be a good friend, and also a good person at the same time?

edit: This was a lot cleaner than what I had wanted to say in my simulation just fyi. 

Goodbye my Lover, Goodbye my Friend.

I can't help but notice a drift in friendship, and i'm not talking about those who are not in the same college as me, but more of those who are in the same college as me.  So if you don't go to the same school as I do, that's okay, but if you do consider this.  Most likely the readers are not going the audience i'm targeting.  In fact i'm just going to say that i'm targeting only 2 people, who are here.  In some slight chance that they do read this, read it and know that I'm telling you straight up what's happening.  

I'm going to make this anonymous as possible, but there are always hints to know who it is just because I can't write that well.  Anyway onto what i'm going to say.

I've known you for a very long time, but it feels as if we're drifting away.  We used to talk a lot on aim, but we're busy now, we're in college and that's understandable.  I haven't exactly been able to hang out wth you, nor do I call you because I don't know.  That's my fault.  But it really feels as if we're both in different worlds now and somehow we just don't connect anymore.  I'm afraid that i've been a bad friend to you because you ask for small favors and yet I can't accomplish that, and then you get mad.  You never used to get mad, or at least you never showed it to the extent that I felt like a failure.  I understand that it's always been there, but it was just that image of you, the image of you that I still hold that I try and preserve while you slowly chip away the foundation of what I hold and treasure you dearly.  But in the end I can't do anything about it, since we're just two different people.  I've always wished we could just stay friends, but i'm starting to lose sight of what the future is.  You'll be in your world being dragged into another while I just stay here hoping that you'll come back.  Maybe I should go after you and bring you back, but did you even want me back?  I feel like an awkward turtle, and I feel like I always get in your way.  Maybe youre trying to escape me.  I doubt I wasn't a good enough friend, but I really don't know what's up now.

I've known you for a less amount of time.  We used to hang out a lot and then it just started trailing off into the distance.  I don't know what's up with that either.  Suddenly you just became really busy, and when I try to hang out with you, it seems you're busy, and you never exactly call me to hang out either.  I really don't want our friendship to deteriorate, but it is, and I can't seem to do anything about it.  For the readers, in case you're wondering, it wasn't your fault, Now i'm referring to one person.  It wasn't your fault.  It's just life.  Stop trying to think it was your fault please.  If not you, and me, it was him okay?  I really hope we get to hang out soon otherwise we really won't this year. 

Why is it that the friend that is closer to me, I am willing to let go easier?  Can I be too great of a friend, such that I am worried of being selfish for you to be my friend and not others?  Is that why i'm losing you and you getting tired of me?