Alice in Wonderland

I think I've narrowed it a bit down to what my problem is. I know I have to type this out tonight otherwise I'll risk another sleepless night because i'll be doing nothing but thinking about this the entire night and I want to try to think it all out here.

The problem started out everything started out 2 days ago when lester diana son and I went bowling. I remember lester said we were going to eat dinner. I assume all 4 of us which is cool because earlier in the day I'd hang out with carol and then later go bowling and eat with you guys and work on the puzzle after. Dude so down for that. It would provide hours of fun.. And then lester texted me when I was driving and said he wasn't going to dinner EITHER. Somehow more people are going to bail, son? Maybee Diana? Maybe... And then I asked you and you said no I'm eating at home. Well son and I are probably not eating so...crap. I had it all planned out and would've came back at around 8 to 9 but no I left around 615. And it's NOT either of your guy's fault. Which is why when you asked me today if it's something you did... er no? it's not like you told me you were going to. But this has also be bugging me a lot because it could've been your fault. And the reason is because I really do not like driving so far to hang out for such a small amount of time unless it was definitely needed like if we haven't seen each other in a long time and we could hang out for a few hours I'll drive down. That's totally fine. But you know we like vidchat and we talk regularly and we've bowled together and such. The thing is I could've also viewed it as hey it's the last time ii'll be seeing lester in a while. And for that I reason I would've gone. I didn't go for that reason. And I went to hang out and to eat and do the puzzle and that didn't happen. What's even MORE ridiculous is the fact that I felt SO crushed and like borderline depressed and just angry at myself for not preparing for this. And also angry how theres nothing I could do and also angry that I'm feeling angry and not being able to change my view to hey last time to see lester. Cause that's a reason to go and I would've gone. And I just felt super out of it and this is the most pathetic thing but I really felt depressed and when bowling was done i was like okay wow really I'm going home. That's it then. Honestly I think it's the fact that you guys don't come to my area to hang out and soo me coming down so often feels like you're taking it for granted. And it's also one of the reasons why I didn't want to go to lunch because I don't wanna stay there for an hour or two and then leave.

But really, theres nothing that could've changed. And on TOP of all that I came home and I was just dazed and when we vid chatted I was like okay at least we get to hang out some more. And that was fine until... I felt really tired. And then the next day my mom yelled at me because she couldn't really sleep and she was worrying about my health and she didn't want me to do it again. And I kinda wanted to talk to you about that but then you signed off. And I just felt really bad for my mom that I kept her up kinda and she can't sleep well when she knows that I'm not sleeping yet or when she worries about me. So I just become really conflicted on what I should do and what I want to do and then I just don't know what I want to do anymore. It's also been a really long while since my mom yelled at me so I got to think that what I'm doing is probably really bad and I shouldn't do it anymore. And It tied to that I wanted to talk to you and lester. I thought.. what am I doing? And I became really confused. So that whole night I just thought nonstop about everything I was like okay what happened. let's start from square one okay bowling, i felt sad. vid chat... okay I was super tired. Next day mom yells at me and man I just feel like shit again. And suddenly I felt like I was really depressed again and I was confused and lost and I didn't know what to do and then heres the thing that kept me all night. I felt the depression and then I linked that with my past. OH GOD. then soo many scenarios and omg so much thoughts and so much pain and so much ridiculousness just enters my mind. I stop thinking about that and now I can't stop myself from thinking. Now i'm thinking about the future and what I wanted to change what happened today and not let it happen again. And then I thought okay do I want to talk to them more? Should I set up something? Am I going to tell Diana about this? You know I should also tell her about some things in college like some drinking stuff so she is a little more prepared and plus I know shell be safe. When am I going to do that. And then I think about what am I going to saay and when i'm going to say it and now I'm thinking about when I drank my first time and how that ended up like crap and hm would Diana run if she got caught? OMG IT'S 3 AM CAN I JUST SLEEP NOW?!?! i'm sooo tired. sotp thoughts stop thoughts stop thoughts stop. And I finally fell asleep from sheer tiredness...like at 4 am.

And today typing this out I thought about it and my conclusion is this. I don't know what I want from life, from you, from people, from my mom. I just dont know. I feel lost and confused. What I want isn't what I usually get. Like I want to talk to you, but you have work tomorrow and you should sleep and plus you're tired. And I'm going to deal with it like i've always have. But you've also said that I could talk to you for things like this and I even remember had a 3 day rule when we had like 3 days to go hey what's up. Let's talk. And so I could drag you to aim and talk... it's what I want. It's what I always wanted but it makes me feel SO selfish and I become conflicted between should I want this... or not. Also I've always been REALLY scared that one day I'm just going to say Hey i really need to talk to you but you weren't online/available. And one daay I'm so afraid that you're just going to be like OMG YOU COMPLAIN SO MUCH and just kinda be angry at me when i'm like most vulnerable. And it worries me a lot because you don't complain to me anymore so to me it's not like a fair sided thing. I dont want to complain to you so much. But it also hurts when I want to tell you something but i'm not sure if I should. How much do you want to know about me? Honestly, What do I want?

EDIT: And you know, it also sucks because I don't want to admit it but I am incredibly insecure sometimes and that thinking rationally I know that you'd probably won't say that. And if you did, it won't be as bad as I imagine it to be and I'm supposed to TRUST you to tell me if something is bothering you. The reason why I didn't want to tell you in the first place about the whole bowling thing is because I know that it was a small thing that lead to a bigger thing and telling you about the small thing doesn't really cover for everything. And what confused me the most was how and why this bowling incident could lead to such a big thing for me. And I still don't know why. Maybe it's because a lot of bad things started happening at once and I didn't know what to do and I couldn't control it and I just became kinda scared. I just wish maybe that I could somehow get through these kinds of situations without making such a big deal out of it cause it's really stupid. And it's why I was hesitant to write it out. Maybe my future me can read this and say hey I know what it's like and now I can get through this.

Theres a lot that happened.
1. Bowling incident with the conclusion that I don't want to drive long distances to hang out for a short time.
2. My mom yells at me and sends me down a flurry of continuous thoughts. Conclusion, bad thoughts lead to more bad thoughts.
3. What do I want from my life? Sometimes I still don't know.

And the quote of the day from Alice in Wonderland:

“One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter.