Have you looked in the mirror lately?

Wow really? Two days after I wrote that blog it came true. Unbelievable it really is. At first it was like oh wow no way is this really happening? Is this my dream? And it seemed silly because it was like I didn't know at first but at the same time I knew it was my dream. It had the same feeling and it resonated throughout my mind and hit so many emotions that it just made me recall over and over what I had thought about 2 days prior. It felt like my head was about to blow up.

I wrote down a few questions for myself.

Have you ever tried to find an old version of yourself because you've realized you've changed?
Have you tried to throw yourself into the past by watching old videos, listen go to old music that made you feel nostalgic, or talk to old friends and possibly exes?
Have you ever found yourself to be lost and couldn't find yourself anymore and somewhat like you couldn't find your way home?
(Like going to the army, coming back after a war, but it was like you never came back)?

I think you can't go back. My reason and analogies will be as follows. My reason being we change and we adept to new situations, never old situations. We constantly thrive and continue to drastically improve our minds and our lives from present to future. We "flow" only in one direction from present to future. There is no route back to the past. You can't change yourself because you grow. Just like you can't honestly be your 4 year old self. You only have your own impression and memories of being one.
Likewise my analogy that I like. A lot. Think of an empty palette, devoid of colors. You are the palette, age 0. Life, full of colors, decide to shape you and mold you into a color of your choosing. Sometimes you pick your colors, sometimes you can't. Anyway te point is you start off with a drop of one color, an experience an relationship, a love life, a new friend, anything. It is one color. And it comes in quantity, saturation, hue, vibrancy, and thickness whatever you name it. You have now have this color. Congratulations, you are born. You have taken your first breath, your first cry you know what it is to be a baby. You mix in more colors, white, orange, pink, blue... you are now age 1. You mix and you mix and you mix them all up until you get a different color, mixtures of all different colors with different amounts and quantities. See what i'm doing here? My past self, age 18 starting college. Mixture of colors. Present, age 20, mixture of different colors. It includes my old colors, but my new color that is me is different. can I go back to my old color? Sureee I suppose but, will I be those same colors? No because I have more amounts of colors. I have more experiences, relationships, love lifes, etc. I cannot go back to the past to reclaim my former self. It's impossible. My future self will have even more colors than now.

That pretty much hits the nail on all those questions except for the first.
Have I thrown myself in to the past? Yes of course I have. And I did so in search of my old self to find my old colors. And I partially did. Did I get it though? I wouldn't say I was successful, but it was good enough for the time being.

Did I find myself lost and could I find myself back? Yes and no. THere are new parts of me that I think that I have lost and I can't find myself back home just because I've forgotten how. That's what life does to you. You change and sometimes you can't remember. Example? Be a 3 year old, 4 year old kid. Do you honestly remember?

Now the first question. Have I tried to find myself? Yes why? because I didn't like the present and the only thing I could change was myself. I can't change others and I can't change life. I was taught that if I wanted to change something, the changes start with myself and the rest will follow because my change will affect those around me. Maybe I'll make a difference that way.

And that's what I thought and it's what I continue to believe today. What do I want to change? Well my dreams of course. When they come true, I get scared because I dont' want them to come true. I don't want to be left behind as a ghost or a mobile tree. I want to live damnit and I want to live with the people I know best and care about the most. It's as if I died, and I was a ghost watching them just like today when they were watching Up. I can see them but it was different. Skype is different, because i'm not in the same room because they can't see me. They can't tell how uncomfortable it is for me to just watch. I've been waiting a whole quarter to catch up with these two and at the chance i have all I end up doing is watching them watch a movie? Are you kidding me? Okay that's not how it really happened. I talked to them, I got a feel how hard their quarter was and it was extremely hard. And that was awesome. And I'm glad we got to catch up that way.

And yet I left with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I've looked in the mirror, and you can't tell but I know my colors have changed again. Do I want to find my old self again though? I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I even need to.