recognition

I had a bad dream last night. I woke up in the morning all groggy thinking what happened there? I half wish that I wrote about it in the morning, but actually I wished that I just hadn't dreamed about it at all. It leads to the question of are we even friends? Am I living without you now? Two very simple questions with nothing substantial in the question itself, but the meaning and the story it has behind this question... that's what matters to me.

This was a strange dream, there were no huge events. Just emotion and feeling. Literally only one or two things happened. It goes like this. Diana Lester and I wake up in the same room in different beds. It's in the morning, maybe we're all living together. They're not dating and I'm not dating. We're just like roommates. Strangely enough, I am a ghost, but i'm not really a ghost, but I appear to be one. Why? Because I am ignored, but I am not hated. I am simply not heard, not recognized but they move around me as if I were a mobile tree.

And... that's it. That is all I can remember, but what I wanted to remember the most was my response, and how I felt in this situation. This leads me to my questions...Actually the first question, not so significant but it is obviously the common sense question. It would be the first thing to ask. In this case, there is no answer for this question just yet. I just wanted to explore the second question. Taken quite literally, I am living with them, but I am not living with them because I have no recognition. And to me,

To have no recognition is to not live.

But I am “living” per se. I am breathing, I can see, I can feel, I am part of “reality”. It feels like I am part of the world, or rather my world. It got me thinking when I woke up. Now generally I don't hang out with either of those two very much. And it will be less frequent in the upcoming year. So far I am only going back for 2 weeks for christmas break whereas they are already home. Furthermore, Diana is at Stanford working and so we cant exactly hang out during the weekday. And the times she's off, we will be with our families, or at least I plan to be. In this way it makes me think, is she losing me, is he losing me? Or is it that I am losing them? My winter break is shortened, I'm not quite sure if I'll be coming back for spring break and my summer vacation is only 2 weeks. How will I find time for them? I haven't even talked to Diana or Lester too much this quarter. I haven't really been updated by Diana either. I sent her a text during finals week saying we should catch up but she never goes online anymore. It's too hard by text to catch up. Am I expected to call her? Am I expected to call him?

Am I the Felix now...?

I don't even know if Diana and I are really good friends anymore. We may be busy but that's the problem. We've both learned to live without each other. And with that we've grown independent and we don't need each other. She hasn't exactly asked me for updates either. It seems so painful to text her and then ask her how are you doing, only to have her reply i'm good. At that moment in time, we are good. Do I know anything about her though? No. I don't. I really don't.

I don't even know if Lester and I are good friends anymore either. He disappeared last year because he was so insanely busy and now we have begun to live without each other as well. Here's the thing, we only have our digital copies for ourselves, online through facebook through aim. Sadly this is our form of communication. Our false communication. We won't post about our day, we won't explain what happened. We will just see a moment in our lives backed up with nothing. Pictures, blah, it's not even him in different places, doing different things. They're just pictures of him making faces.

Likewise they're just pictures of her with her new friends. They barely tell me anything. It's like i'm just stalking them through their digital lives. How pathetic.


Am I fortifying our friendship bonds with her, with him? No, I'm not. Is it even my fault? Possibly, but I chose to take up this job and it never required me to lose any of this. Who says taking up a job loses friendships? To fix this, we honestly just need to spend some quality time together, to ask questions, to be meaningful, to be important to one another. I don't think we are anymore. I dont think I am anymore.

Is this what I have to give up to become an adult? My dreams scare me.