College talk and drinking.

It hasn't really dawned on me the fact that we're not going to see each other again.  I remember in AVID that we had a talk about not seeing each other and our AVID class is a lot of like a family since we've been together for 4 years.  It was a very emotional talk I remember, and people cried.  Sadly it is only a little less than two weeks before I leave for college.  I'm actually look forward to it, but I don't know how it will be when I don't see my friends when they're at other schools.  And on top of that there's the drama of everybody in a relationship ><.  *sigh* Very depressing.  

You know now that we're going to college, I think we'll all have to make choices that are really going to impact our lives.  Well because of the fact that we're living away from home, it'll be like we're totally dependent with nobody to really look after us.  I believe that how we choose to live in college will really mirror how we'll really live when we really have our own place.  I personally think it's awesome, but at the same time this comes with a ton of responsibility.  And another thing about college we are going to be 18 years old.  Legally our parents really can't tell us what to do anymore.  It's time to make our own choices and take control of our lives for real and start using what we've learned.  And then there's the big 21, which brings me to drinking in college.  I don't know man.  I've still been literally trained to just dislike it when people start talking about it, especially when it's underage.  You know why?  I suppose it's because I lose focus or control of my body, but of course there's always the argument that I can always control how much I drink.  Still I fear myself.  Kinda scary to think about, but I think there is something really dangerous about me when I don't have a lot of control.  I think it's because of my childhood or the result of coming out of my depression.  I am a firm believer that what I did in the past is a huge reflection of who I will become or will play a large role of who I am in the future especially more focused on childhood.  When I was a kid, I was a really violent kid and also I wanted a lot of attention.  I really don't want to go a lot into my childhood, it's not like reaaallly bad but there was a lot of family issues and i'll leave it at that.  Anyway I think that violence carried over.  Example:  In freshman year when I was still kinda emotionally unstable, I tended to get mad or just really sad very easily and there was that one time when Justin took my seat on the bench because I threw something away.  And I remember him saying this smart ass comment or something and I got soooo mad that I like violently pushed him off the bench and he was on the ground and I yelled at him.  I don't remember what I said but he definitely backed down.  I totally regret doing that.  Usually I can take a lot of crap from people and kinda still hold my pride, you know?  Maybe that's the key to why I'm so happy because a lot of things has to happen to get me down now.  Another example, also in freshman year.  I was taking out my badminton racket the crappy wilson one and Tiffany and Andrea like took it and ran off with it as a joke.  I kindly asked for it back because I try not to be mean to girls, and I couldn't get it back so I got overly depressed and I whipped out my ipod to listen to emo music.  Here is a picture.  Okay don't know how to post a picture... but it's not important.  But as a reference picture # 646 outta 753.  Yes so that is my behavior when stuff gets the best of me.  Another thing that scares me even more is the fact that I create alternate realities in my head aka day dreaming.  At least I think it's day dreaming.  I don't know I just imagine something happening in my head while I zone out for a minute sometimes as much as 10 minutes.  Anyway sometimes when I'm angry or depressed I day dream about it and how I can change it.  I take multiple routes, usually not ending in a very happy place.  Sometimes I can get really mean and nasty.  Example.  My step dad asked me to type up a list of the movies on dvd that we were going to sell, but I couldn't really read his writing and i said that, but he snapped back and said Oh are you serious?  I can write better than you can!" That was really... not cool.  And it was true because I couldn't read his hand writing and I had to ask him multiple times what it was.  He writes in cursive, fyi.  Anyway that was the event.  My day dream about it.. which was just 3 days ago was about me talking back to him saying WHY DON'T YOU DO IT YOURSELF YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT.  YOU'RE JUST GOING TO WATCH TV!  I really thought he was lazy, but that's how my day dreams are on depressing stuff.  Oh it gets worse.  Those are the daydreams which I talk, but there are the more scarier dreams in which I will actually kill maim hurt skewer chop pull cut shoot taser punch pummel and you get the idea.  I really don't think this is really healthy for me.  But that's what i'm really scared of.  I'm really scared of drinking because it is a depressant and will make me relax too much and I might get set off by this sad experience I had and will actually do something about it.  Obviously this is when i'm drunk, but seriously when I will drink I WILL lose control and just thinking about what I do, it's just scary.  Plus this relates to my childhood again about drinking.  Domestic violence.  

I really filter what I say and what I do.  Maybe that's why I appear happier than I really am, but I guess I just show my other side when i'm day dreaming.  I do have a ugly side, I really do.  I just hope none of you reading this will ever see it.  I'm sure you have or will, but for the time being i'm making my best effort to never let it show.  I think i'll just name this drinking and college, since I mainly talked about that.