Priorities

I know I remember saying that I wouldn't post something that was really discussable. Well too bad cause I'm going to break it right now, and it's for good reason, promise since I'm kinda having some doubts and questions and I don't know not really feeling at ease right now.

First let me start off and say that I know that school work is the most important thing that you can possibly do right now. And I know that you're not trying to talk to me, it's just school work is well in the way here. Heres where I start to get doubts. The way I see it is, you're choosing to not talk to me and do homework instead, but don't take offense to that, I mean it is the truth right? And when you choose to do homework over me, that's okay it should definitely be more important. The doubt comes in when I can't really talk to you. sigh , and it's been my fault too. Okay so school is very important (I said this like 5 times lol) and I don't want to really get in the way of that. Translation, when you ask me how was my day, I say it's okay. When you ask me how am I doing? I say, I'm okay. And the conversation kinda dies from there. See the thing I have a lot to tell you. Anndd it wasn't really what I expected, cause I thought you'd have more free time.

1:03:28 AM Steven Fong: in one week you'll be super happy yeah? ^__^
1:04:43 AM blubrry x3 icing: yes omgggg
1:04:44 AM blubrry x3 icing: SO
1:04:47 AM blubrry x3 icing: HAPPY.
1:04:49 AM blubrry x3 icing: sooooooooooooooo
1:04:50 AM blubrry x3 icing: happy


9:25:00 PM blubrry x3 icing: *hug*
9:25:01 PM blubrry x3 icing: i miss you
9:25:02 PM Steven Fong: *hugs*
9:25:04 PM blubrry x3 icing: sorry about everything
9:25:05 PM blubrry x3 icing:
9:25:06 PM Steven Fong: aww i miss you too
9:25:15 PM Steven Fong: hey don't worry about it
9:25:26 PM Steven Fong: we can totally have like two marathons in a row xD when you're on break
9:25:29 PM blubrry x3 icing: haha
9:25:30 PM blubrry x3 icing: kay =DD
9:25:31 PM Steven Fong: i promise i'll be like free
9:25:36 PM blubrry x3 icing: ^____^

Anddd that didn't exactly happen the way I planned it... The most important thing I"d like to point out was....

1:45:03 AM Steven Fong: we should catch up too during break yeah?
1:50:24 AM blubrry x3 icing: sorry!! >< got distracted by caroline
1:50:27 AM blubrry x3 icing: and yes........
1:50:30 AM blubrry x3 icing: it's a poop
1:50:31 AM blubrry x3 icing: and YES
1:50:34 AM blubrry x3 icing: we need to catch up
1:50:38 AM blubrry x3 icing: sorry it's been so crazy
1:50:41 AM blubrry x3 icing: i've been very very distant

And that hasn't been quite going to plan either. And normally i'd say it's okay you have a lot of homework, and you do. The thing is, I'd imagine that somehow, you'd be done with homework for the day and we could actually talk. Now I understand that sometimes days don't go like that, work can be all day. But the thing is, it's kinda been like this for the last like 2 weeks or something I don't know. I'd say it all started when I was on my spring break. March 20, The date today is April 18, Saturday. That's a month. So I haven't really been talking to you a lot for a month. I admit some days we do talk a lot, or enough. Maybe the last week has been brutal for me since you were on break, but we still didn't really talk. In fact, you talked to me less lol. Well you have a of work. But in my defense... I have to say that hmm you talk to Caroline i think more than I do. And I guess I can't help but feel a little bit jealous here. Obviously, you have time to go places? You were in a car with her and Edgar... And that takes time, and I'm wondering, I thought you had work to do? And then I think, how does your dad or mom let you go out, when you can't even talk online that much? You know, secretly I could be a main problem here =_= but maybe not likely. But it kinda sucks cause when you come back, you would have to do work and then I feel like I won't talk to you until tomorrow. And I have some hope and go maybe tomorrow. And I get let down cause tomorrow didn't happen. I thought you would have at least some time, maybe not? But does Caroline prove otherwise? Well okay okay, if you talk to her because of her relationship problems with Edgar, alright that's important. I shouldn't be jealous over that, it's a little more pressing in priority than my usual conversations with you. I don't know, I feel like you're still kinda MIA for a while now, and sometimes I feel like theres time, but it's not really given to me.

So that was one of the issues, another one of the issues was what might happen if this goes on. I have to say i'm kinda patiently waiting for everything to be done with. And I meant you be done with everything. And obviously it won't be done for at least another month. I'm not saying I don't know if I can last that long, but I don't know if things will be the same. Somehow this reminds me of you and felix? Except... you actually care, but I still somewhat feel slightly neglected. And so, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It kinda sucks to just wait and have hope for the next day and then to be crushed. I could wait and say, I have hope for the next month, but then in my mind I know I won't talk to you during that time. Then that effectively says I won't really try to talk to you for a month. And my concern is, when that time is up, how am I supposed to act towards you now? If i'm not there, how much will our bond weaken? How can I look at you the same way before 2 months ago? 3 months ago? Hm. =\

Sometimes I feel when I was thinking about writing this that I was being beyond selfish. Not so much anymore. Though don't take offense to this, it's merely just me telling you that I miss you, and I wish that you would talk to me more, cause I feel as if theres a huge gap, and I was ready to fill it with things I wanted to say, but I couldn't. And ultimately, this is partially my fault, I always pretend nothing really is going on. Usually I'm correct. A few days doesn't matter, we can catch up a few days, but I'm not so sure if we can catch up a month anymore. Besides, what was I supposed to say to you? Oh wait let me tell you about my dream about Tina, and then talk for another 30 minutes? =\ I want to do this when you're done for the night, or better yet, just done, and that's why, I haven't been pushing myself between you and work. I'm sorry.

And this was when I started to crack,

11:47:42 PM Steven Fong: when are you sleeping otnight?
11:48:32 PM blubrry x3 icing: lol np
11:48:33 PM blubrry x3 icing: mmm
11:48:34 PM blubrry x3 icing: 12ish
11:49:03 PM Steven Fong: aw okay
11:53:16 PM blubrry x3 icing: hm?
12:03:25 AM Steven Fong: that you're going ot sleep D:
12:05:13 AM blubrry x3 icing: aw
12:05:14 AM blubrry x3 icing: sorry D:
12:05:20 AM Steven Fong: nono that's okay
12:05:24 AM Steven Fong: you should rest
12:05:45 AM blubrry x3 icing: =\
12:05:56 AM Steven Fong: it's okaay...
12:05:59 AM Steven Fong: don't worry about it
12:13:20 AM blubrry x3 icing: why '..."?
12:13:34 AM Steven Fong: wait i can't do that either? xD
12:13:47 AM Steven Fong: can i do four? xD
12:14:14 AM Steven Fong: lol nothing is wrong i promise
12:14:24 AM Steven Fong: i just wanted to talk to you
12:14:39 AM Steven Fong: and it's be nothing important
12:14:46 AM Steven Fong: it'd*
12:14:49 AM blubrry x3 icing: oh
12:14:52 AM blubrry x3 icing: okay lol
12:14:53 AM blubrry x3 icing: if you're sure
12:14:55 AM blubrry x3 icing: ><
12:14:59 AM Steven Fong: i'm suree
12:15:07 AM Steven Fong: i'll post on my blog if i wasn't xD

*sigh* not so sure anymoreee >< Though the thing is, I just wanted to talk to you, but the problem with that is, it'll take too much time and you don't have that time to spare.