Maybe it's because when I walk back, I think about more things, simulations, memories and such. I already forgot my dream that I dreamt last night. Sad, I tried to remember it this morning too and I was excited that I had another dream, but pointless if you can't remember it. Maybe i'll remember it later. At least I have my memories.
What would it be like if I didn't have any memories? Like Memento, I wouldn't be able to collect any short term memories. Depressing, sticky notes all the time. Tattoos on my body all over to remember what I have done.
Back to my main point, the walk always seems faster back. And that comes from today's instance.
After learning that I really had no point in being there for badminton, I guess I daydreamed you could say along the way back to warren college. I thought why I loved badminton or at least liked it, and why I am so easy to quit. No, I'm not, it's just Im' not on the UCSD badminton team. So I really shouldn't be there, plus i'm busy and... I haven't paid my dues yet. I guess I shouldn't go on practice days since they really are for the team practice and I'm not really on the team. It kinda feels like a waste. Does that mean I don't like badminton? I guess not, since I'll pay next year.
But what about last year..., I'm still bummed I was partnered with Tina. It was sad because she didn't want to try as hard as me. And I get really discouraged if I'm trying so hard, and yet it's really not showing, so why try hard at all? Then do you know what that means? Then I know i'm not trying hard. Do I love badminton? Yes, I say. But I got tired and fed up by trying, but not having anything really happen. Do I love badminton? ... no? Is it worth it? Definitely not. Do I love badminton? I do, but I wish it wasn't like this. Excuses, DO you love badminton? *sigh* Lester, when you were playing with Liem, you were right. It was good that you weren't partnered with Liem after that... Maybe I should have done the same with Tina. And if Stefaan wouldnt' let me? I'd do it, if he threatened that I wouldn't be on the team? Well I'd quit. Do I love badminton? Yes, but not worth the shit I'm dealing with. People look at me and go Why'd you quit badminton? I say... Why didn't you shell out 100 thousand dollars to go to Disneyland with your friends for one full day of fun? Do you not love your friends? Can't afford it? Get a loan.. assuming you could get a loan. Do you NOT love your friends? Hm that's right... shut up, and don't talk.
I guess I just couldn't bear to see her sad face realizing that she'd quit, if she couldn't play with me. She was right, to be honest... who would honestly play with her. That was cruel. Very Cruel. But whoever she was stuck with... wasn't going to be too happy. JV? Forget it she said. Ooooh... what does that say about her? Do you love badminton Tina? Apparently not.
Wow that was mean... did she deserve that? Absolutely, at least eventually. Though she'll never read this. If she does, she deserves it. But one clear point, it was really my fault for not really letting her know until the very end.
Maybe I'm just a little annoyed, angry, pissed. Mostly annoyed. Maybe I expect too much.
One things for sure though. I'm pretty selfless, I'd have to say. I'm not the center of attention of your world.
No comments:
Post a Comment